#1
C4C

A doctor tells me that I'm killing myself with drugs,
but I decide to follow the second opinion,
given to me from someone out of control, and
who I would still trust with my life.

They say love is blind and that may be
completely true, but I know my eyes can
see as well as they ever could, yet
I still trust love more than sight anyway.

Senses are overrated, so ask yourself
the question I faced myself and answered
without logical thought because
emotion never has any reason.

Do you trust a blindness with
no medical cure, and risk your life
smoking cigarettes just so
you can be with the cancer that
makes you so oblivious to
the world outside? Even when
you know you're being cliche, will
it matter because you know that
words are cliche 'cause they're true?

I know that I would accept this disease,
after all, it's one that won't kill you...
#2
i liked it. the theme however i think has been used alot. maybe i'm wrong but thats the way it seemed to me, this part i liked alot

Do you trust a blindness with
no medical cure, and risk your life
smoking cigarettes just so
you can be with the cancer that
makes you so oblivious to
the world outside? Even when
you know you're being cliche, will
it matter because you know that
words are cliche 'cause they're true?


the thing about cliche'd words is very true indeed
i thought it had a great ending too
i cant offer too much crit cause i know i'm not the best songwriter on here to give it
well thats my 2 cents check out mine

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=433593
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#3
Bumping, I'll try and gt back to this, but that 3rd stanza needs reworking, and some flow was off in some points, specially when there is ",and" right at the end of a line.

Jamie
#4
Quote by AAA_the_band
C4C

A doctor tells me that I'm killing myself with drugs,
but I decide to follow the second opinion,
given to me from someone out of control, and
who I would still trust with my life.

Interesting idea, there are a lot of "useless" words though that make the verse less interesting. Ie "given to me by someone out of control, and who I would still trust with my life" could be changed up to "given by a man, gone out of comtrol and who still I would still trust my life with" IMO

They say love is blind and that may be
completely true, but I know my eyes can
see as well as they ever could, yet
I still trust love more than sight anyway.

The deifinitly has some flow issues. Sylabic count only goes so far. Words have to be placed appropriately. For instance the last line it seems like "anyway" is jsut thrown in there to meet the sylable count.

Senses are overrated, so ask yourself
the question I faced myself and answered
without logical thought because
emotion never has any reason.

The flow is much better on this verse. Though the last line is weak and it's a bit shakey. It's a lot better then the prvious verses.

Do you trust a blindness with
no medical cure, and risk your life
smoking cigarettes just so
you can be with the cancer that
makes you so oblivious to
the world outside? Even when
you know you're being cliche, will
it matter because you know that
words are cliche 'cause they're true? (this is wayyyyy to forced)

Arghhhh!!! >:O No, flow does not happend by formating lines. It has to do with sentence structure, sylable count and meter. The first half of this verse is just a huge run on sentence broken into sylable counts. I see what you were going for and you did a good job maknig sure they matched up but I would suggest reading some Poe. He is the master of everything that has to do with meter and structural sylabic expression.

I know that I would accept this disease,
after all, it's one that won't kill you...


Again I just want to say I don't intend to sound mean. This is honest to goodness crit, it always sounds that way.
#5
i liked it. to me it has a hidden meaning along with the obvious meaning. It also goes tword the fact that its true and sad. that is an unbelivable thing to do.Crit4crit.If you dont mind could you look at a new song i just posted today? Its called the battle lost. only the seconde peice i have ever written along with trapped. thanks.
Me-You're a fucking retard
retard-DURRRRRRRR!
Me-So you agree?
retard-DURRRRRRRR!