#1
Not quite done with this one, just wanted some feedback as to how it is coming along. crit for crit of course.

A little world in black and white

Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,
We are driven to warp and bend
Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
A universe in two dimensions,
Creatures made of length and width
Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective
We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white
Last edited by Heascase at Sep 16, 2006,
#2
Cheers for the crit, very nice, I'm not very knowledgable of devices used in writing really, but it rolls off the tongue well, and I love the line:

"We'll become Gods dare I say it"

I can't comment in much depth really other than I like it, and it certainly creates pictures in your head.
#3
Thanks alot man.....out of 8 threads I critted your the only one who returned the favour.
#4
Ello, well it kind of seems like you're reapeting the same idea over and over again in different words, maybe create another aspect to this idea or shorten (is that a word?) it. There are some catchy lines though, and it does have potential. I also think it would fit in well with a soft instramental that isnt heavily focused on the lyrics, because the lyrics arent very lenghty. crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434531
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#5
its ok but to me it just doesnt have much rythym to it; of course im not an expert in this so im not sure. but pretty good in all though
Last edited by metallica4727 at Sep 18, 2006,
#6
very good. flows nicely and the idea is quite intruiging
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#7
Quote by Heascase
Not quite done with this one, just wanted some feedback as to how it is coming along. crit for crit of course.

A little world in black and white
Not a fan of the title, but I suppose to states the point well enough.


Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,
We are driven to warp and bend
Love this. The 4th line is impressive in itself, and the first two seem to be a good way to create some interest.

Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
A universe in two dimensions,
Creatures made of length and width
Pretty good. I liked the scientific focus in this verse/section and it gives an idea of narrowmindedness

Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective
I did not like this verse very much, it didn't seem to flow as well as the others in my opinion. It may have been the whole perspective and retrospective, but whatever it may have been, I'd rephrase it

We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white
Great ending. Very dramatic and just well written


All in all I loved the idea, and it was very interesting. Very well written, and I don't like to rate by numbersas its not very accurate and seems to disappoint or embolden depending on standards. But hell I dont mind having it done to myself.

Its my first real crit, and if you please crit my first piece, its in my signature.

Just my opinion on it.
#8
Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,
We are driven to warp and bend
Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
A universe in two dimensions,

Creatures made of length and width
This line is a bit short in syllables, it ruins the flow, strangely enough. I can't figure out why... Up until this point, great job.

Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective
Good four lines here; it's the the strongest chunk out of the entire piece, in my opinion.

We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Excellent line!

Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white

Terrific ending for a piece with no major flaws.

Thanks a lot for the crit on my piece, "That Someone". I really appreciate it. I'm sorry it took me so long to crit back. Great work, once again.

9/10

#9
a pretty good piece, every line kinda makes you stop n think. Looks like a great 1st and 2nd verse here so far, needs a killer bridge or chorus (or both) to take us away from this 4/4 line scheme. May I suggest a melodic type piece where it gooooooooooooooooos like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis to breeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaak the scheeeeeeeeeeeeeem.Hope you understand what I mean,that was the best way i could think of to write it.
I hope you check my new post out titled "SOMETIMES" and "STRONGEST MAN ALIVE"
#10
I liked the first line, actually, it was short and it evoked a really good setting for the song to start. Or is that the title? Honestly if you put instruments to the song, say that line first, it would flow very well and immediately set a tone.

You know I actually did enjoy most of this song. I found it a little too short considering the topic you choose, which was a very deep subject, but I loved the 2nd and 4th line. Comprehend and Warp and Bend not only rhyme but have the same syllable count. Good technique. Creatures made of length and width. Very good.

The entire thing was very ambitious to me. It seemed like you were speaking about how humans tend to create their own delusional little worlds in which we are gods. Obviously enough, which is why I found the song way too short, and I think you may have underestimated the true capacity of the unbridled human mentality. Otherwise, very very good.

Feel like crit for critting? It's in my sig.
#11
I think it was very good, it didn't have the same lines repeating over and over which is my new pet peeve. I especially like the ending

"Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white"
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#12
Quote by Heascase
Not quite done with this one, just wanted some feedback as to how it is coming along. crit for crit of course.

A little world in black and white
Great title.

Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,
We are driven to warp and bend
Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
For Line 4, I'd remove "We are" and add a comma at the end of that phrase, and add "We" to the beginning of Line 5. Also, I'd add "And" to line 6.

A universe in two dimensions,
Creatures made of length and width
Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective
I don't think retrospective fits in with this at all. I understand the need of a rhyme, but I could be wrong, but a look back into the past has little to do with this. Your writing though, you know it better than me.

We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white
For dramatic effect, I'd change "there" to "here"



I like it alot, actually. I just had some minor suggestions.

Great job, keep it up.

If you're going to crit back, sorry avbout the lack of depth, wasn't much to crit about. What I really need a crit on now is my latest poem Lost.

Thanks for the good read.
#13
Quote by Heascase
Not quite done with this one, just wanted some feedback as to how it is coming along. crit for crit of course.

A little world in black and white

Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,
We are driven to warp and bend
Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
A universe in two dimensions,
Creatures made of length and width

Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective
We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white



Those were my favorite 4 lines. Over all i think it doesnt have much flow but for poetry i think it would be great.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=444607 if you want to crit.
#14
Quote by Heascase


A little world in black and white

Like others stated, this is a good unique title.

Black holes in three dimensions,
Something we can?t comprehend
It?s this reality we live in,

First two lines are awesome, but the third line ruins it. It just seems plain to me.


We are driven to warp and bend
Create our own little world,
Rule with an iron lab coat
A universe in two dimensions,

These lines are good for all but the 3rd line. An iron lab coat? I realize what you're getting at, but that just sounds kind of cheesy to me.

Creatures made of length and width
Curiosity can be a blessing,
Depending on perspective
Escape this reality, create our own,
Humanity?s own retrospective


Nothing to really say here. Good job.

We?ll become gods dare I say it,
Of fire and ice, Dark and light,
Our own little world we?ll make
Sitting there in black and white

These are my favorite lines. I love how it paints a picture in my mind, very visual.


Overall I'd give this a 8/10. I don't really think it could be used as a song, but as poetry, its quite good if nothing else than the images it evokes. Good work.

If you could please crit mine, that'd be awesome. Its in my sig.
#15
I just realized that I crit this twice, lol. The second I guess was very different, as my critting has improved alot since then. Oh well.