#1
So, I've been busy lately. These are my lyrics for a little rockish song (gasp). I think it's fun.


No. 9

There's a very attractive, bright wooden sign
on a painted blue door, simply marked number nine;
The rounded black letters that firmly define:
Beyond this clear border lives Jen Hall hyphen Klein.

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

And she promised us every time with her voice
and with chords ringing high, standing tall,
That she won?t be about if she had any choice -
she's just waiting around for the call.

And yet every bright / rainy / usual morning,
when I sullenly slide down a herd of worn stairs,
I watch her step out of her colorful hallway -
Jenny's still there; walking to work, going nowhere.

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

And maybe one day, one odd morning to come,
at exactly a quarter past eight,
I?ll pass by her painted blue door, stowaway,
and sadly will see that Jennifer's late.

And maybe one night, perhaps it's tonight,
when I sit with a half finished drink at the bar,
I will hear all the neighbours whisper and sigh:
"Listen, you hear? There's no sound of guitar"

Cause Jenny played rock
on an electric guitar;
we could hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

Cause she used to play rock,
Jenny Hall hyphen Klein,
now the phone just keeps ringing
behind door number nine.
This is not a pipe
#2
I liked that. There was a certain whimsical, song-like feel to it. It was simple, and worked so well, left me feeling strangely sad. And it's that evocation of feeling that is crucial, and as far as that's concerned you nailed it.

My new piece has just been put up. So, you know, leave a pissy comment like this one.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#3
I like how this tells a story, nice imagery also. Kinda Bob Dylan-ish.

Pretty good overall, nice and simple. Cit mine if you can.
#4
Fucking amazing. Wow.
I love it. Love it love it.

I can hear this being an amazing song,
I already see this as an amazing piece of writing,
yeah, I love it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
i dont know why, but i liked it.
For some reason i thought of ziggy stardust when i read this haha.
Quote by BigFatSandwich
it took you 15 consecutive hours of practice to realize that playing guitar makes you better at playing guitar. congratulations.


Quote by snowbert
SMOKE UN-DER WATER!!!


#8
I like it. It did sound like it could be a Bob Dylan song, but it's better cause it's yours. Very good!
#9
I must be missing something, but I can't see how the chorus stanza fits besides during the first run through. I get that your pushing the idea, as represented in the chorus, but it's just a little too vague for my liking. Also, still not sure how I like every verse basically starting with and ... like a run on sentance or something. Fits with the genre though, as rock is usually drug on for more than it's worth or need. Couple parts were a little rough, especially when the filler words started to appears: and with chords ringing high, standing tall / I?ll pass by her painted blue door, stowaway / Jenny's still there; walking to work, going nowhere ... those are the ones that jump out the easiest to me. I don't think I'd use the bar/guitar rhyming couplet again in the last verse, as it's already being worn rather thin with it being in the chorus. And yet every bright / rainy / usual morning <--- that line, I'm not sure what to think about it. Way too broken up and I'm not sure how that would fit into a song structure.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#10
Actually some creative lyrics for once, not this same ol "life sux" crap. Nice work man.
Member#8 of the John Frusciante and Red Hot Chilli Peppers UG fanclub. PM IpodInaBottle to join
#11
I love it. I love how easily it flows yet still tells a story. Really good easy rhyming. Awesome
#12
im not much of a critique person yet but i'll tell you what i think. i liked it a lot, i actually kinda rapped it in my head and im not even a rap kinda guy (kinda hate it) but it was more of a funky rap like the RHCP anyways. way cool idea and the last verse/line was really cool, it just completed your story perfectly. nice job, 9/10. please crit my song called A Different Life, i posted it last night (Saturday) thanks.
#14
...C'mon people, we need crits with a little substance around these parts!

There's a very attractive, bright wooden sign
on a painted blue door, simply marked number nine;
The rounded black letters that firmly define:
Beyond this clear border lives Jen Hall hyphen Klein.

All great. Great scene-setter, descriptive stuff. Metered well, except for maybe the final line. "That firmly define"? I don't think the "that" should be there, it makes it so you're kind of just referring to the letters without actually saying anything about them. Anyways the flow was awesome. Heh, the "hyphen" thing was amusing. Dunno if it served any other purpose than that, but it needn't, because it's good.

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

Yah this little refrain/chorus type stanza works well. And the change-up in the tenses of it later is cool, too. I'd probably have phrased the last line as just "from the corner street bar". Mostly for syllable consistency but also because it seems weird to me to hear "to" somewhere, as opposed to "from" somewhere. But that's almost certainly just me and it's all good, really. Lol just as a personal preference I'd like it better if you didn't say "rock". I mean wtf is rock anyway? She should be playing punk!

And she promised us every time with her voice
and with chords ringing high, standing tall,
That she won?t be about if she had any choice -
she's just waiting around for the call.

Ahh the words you use to describe her chords are great. Chords can stand tall, can't they. I guess I'm kind of curious as to what this "the call" is. But I guess we're all curious to know just that call is, for each of us. Anyway the rhyming, meter and flow continued to kick ass here.

And yet every bright / rainy / usual morning,
when I sullenly slide down a herd of worn stairs,
I watch her step out of her colorful hallway -
Jenny's still there; walking to work, going nowhere.

I dunno what's up with slashes between adjectives on this first line. I mean, I guess in one sense it works; the idea works, but it's just a little hard to read. I find myself compelled to like, pick just one of the adjectives and read that only, which screws up the meter. But I see the idea clearly. On any given day. Curious turn of phrase there with "herd" of stairs. I like. More lovely flow to be found in this stanza, I see. Esp between the first two lines. Ah, and a nice kinda paradoxical turn o' phrase in "walking to work, going nowhere". Lol sorry if I'm picking out only the already very obvious things to state and praise here. Such are teh limits of my observativeness. But I like this. Largely due to me understanding/relating, I guess.

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

I just noticed some kind of...inconsistency in tenses between the stanzas so far. Dunno what to make of it, but S3 alone seems to be written from a past tense perspective. Meh, not a big deal, I think.

And maybe one day, one odd morning to come,
at exactly a quarter past eight,
I?ll pass by her painted blue door, stowaway,
and sadly will see that Jennifer's late.

I suppose it goes without saying at this point, but you meter and rhyme so well. Consistently well. It's good songwriting. Meaning it's a good song, I think.
Anyway this stanza is kind of...well I guess it's just narrative, mostly. The last line raises it a little. A break in the reliable pattern of someone you're fond of can certainly be a mildly shocking/saddening thing. (There I go stating the obvious again).

And maybe one night, perhaps it's tonight,
when I sit with a half finished drink at the bar,
I will hear all the neighbours whisper and sigh:
"Listen, you hear? There's no sound of guitar"

Cause Jenny played rock
on an electric guitar;
we could hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

Cause she used to play rock,
Jenny Hall hyphen Klein,
now the phone just keeps ringing
behind door number nine.

Ah, a sad ending. From the point of view of the neighbour(s), anyway. Who knows how Jen is feeling? Or if she is 'feeling' at all...Jen should have realised there were so many people around her that would miss her so. Or maybe they should have done something to make her realise. Oh, or if she'd only stuck around just a little longer maybe she'd have been there to take that inevitable phone 'call'! A lesson to be learned
(Eh, I hope I'm not misinterpreting 'call' here, lol. I mean, I'm thinking of a good call!)
Anyway, I'm wondering if this song having nine stanzas has any significance?


I think in general the only 'fault' (emphasis on the inverted commas there BTW) in this is a little confusion in the tenses, but TBH the narrative and the ideas come across crystal clear in spite of that, so it ain't a big deal. Great work. In general it's refreshing to see people being poets/songwriters and not just riddlers.

It's good. I really like it.
Ronin
#15
Cool lyrics. I really like the imagery. The song reminds me a bit of "Shooting Star" by Bad Company and "Jukebox Hero" by Foreigner(Both good things imo). The ending surprised me a bit. I didn't expect the sad ending to happen. Great job, though. Keep on writing!
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#16
Quote by carmel_l
So, I've been busy lately. These are my lyrics for a little rockish song (gasp). I think it's fun.


No. 9

There's a very attractive, bright wooden sign
on a painted blue door, simply marked number nine;
The rounded black letters that firmly define:
Beyond this clear border lives Jen Hall hyphen Klein.
Wonderful. Completely flowing.
And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.
Awesome, like the sound of that. Who is this Jenny girl? Yeah anyway, it follows up the style of things set from the word go back there, and also has a great chorus feel.
And she promised us every time with her voice
and with chords ringing high, standing tall,
That she won?t be about if she had any choice -
she's just waiting around for the call.
I don't like the "she won't be about if" part in this, it just... doesn't fit in my eyes; something may need changing there depending on what you want to keep of that line.
And yet every bright / rainy / usual morning,
when I sullenly slide down a herd of worn stairs,
I watch her step out of her colorful hallway -
Jenny's still there; walking to work, going nowhere.
Very uncertain on that first line there, i hope it fits with the music. Mm, sullenly slide, expertly done. Brilliant stanza altogether.
And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

And maybe one day, one odd morning to come,
at exactly a quarter past eight,
I?ll pass by her painted blue door, stowaway,
and sadly will see that Jennifer's late.
This was ok, a little plain in comparison perhaps but no problems; solid.
And maybe one night, perhaps it's tonight,
when I sit with a half finished drink at the bar,
I will hear all the neighbours whisper and sigh:
"Listen, you hear? There's no sound of guitar"
Haha, i don't know why but i laughed at the last line Again, like the last stanza here.
Cause Jenny played rock
on an electric guitar;
we could hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

Cause she used to play rock,
Jenny Hall hyphen Klein,
now the phone just keeps ringing
behind door number nine.
Ahh, satisfying ending


Sounds like an awesome song, however i would revise two of those stanzas on which i commented that they were a littlke more plain than the rest. Great writing.

Don't have to return the crit if you don't want to.
#17
Yeah, I liked it, if there were flaws I'd just go with Caz and scousertommy, but in my opinion it ws a pretty enjoyable read.

Sorry, I'm not in a crit-heavy frame of mind right now and it alo seems you have enough help.

Good work.

Jamir
#18
Quote by carmel_l
So, I've been busy lately. These are my lyrics for a little rockish song (gasp). I think it's fun.
it is fun

No. 9

There's a very attractive, bright wooden sign
on a painted blue door, simply marked number nine;
The rounded black letters that firmly define:
Beyond this clear border lives Jen Hall hyphen Klein.
seems like theres something missing from the third line, like a broken syllable or somethin. the fourth line is witty. the first two are just kinda there, but in a good way as it sets the scene nicely. I had something else to say but I forgot it, sorry

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.
basic, good. nice rhyming too, very smooth. i can tell this is going to be a terrible crit.

And she promised us every time with her voice
and with chords ringing high, standing tall,
That she won?t be about if she had any choice -
she's just waiting around for the call.
The first line could be smoother, like worded differently so as to make it less awkward. 2nd line is ace. I saddened myself when I was stupid enough to not see what the third and fourth lines meant, but then I got it and I was like 'oh'... yep

And yet every bright / rainy / usual morning,
when I sullenly slide down a herd of worn stairs,
I watch her step out of her colorful hallway -
Jenny's still there; walking to work, going nowhere.
brilliant. best stanza here hands down. everything is perfect here. I especially like how you held the 'usual morning' juxtaposed against some very interesting imagery.

And Jenny plays rock
on an electric guitar;
you can hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

And maybe one day, one odd morning to come,
at exactly a quarter past eight,
I?ll pass by her painted blue door, stowaway,
and sadly will see that Jennifer's late.
goddammit. I got nothing to say. Actually, one thing. see ussually with this type of thing on UG I will say that its good for a simple narrative but really it has no depth, and truthfully, this doesnt have much depth either. However, you somehow mask that fact with good writing *shrugs* good job!

And maybe one night, perhaps it's tonight,
when I sit with a half finished drink at the bar,
I will hear all the neighbours whisper and sigh:
"Listen, you hear? There's no sound of guitar"
I got nothin...

Cause Jenny played rock
on an electric guitar;
we could hear her at night
all the way to the Corner Street bar.

Cause she used to play rock,
Jenny Hall hyphen Klein,
now the phone just keeps ringing
behind door number nine.
brilliant last stanza


I'm sorry that was so bad. I'll make it up to you by completely tearing into the next thing you put up. until then, excellent rock song.

and if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434740
#19
Thank you all for your comments. I am sorry I haven't been around lately but I am going to return all the crits tonight (at least all the deserving ones), so if you have a specific piece you want me to look at, please PM me.

Thanks again,

Carmel
This is not a pipe