#1
Shagged my way through hordes of
The giggling, gaggling type. She was some sweat-
Fisted promise that things would be different,
Her own slender fingers wrapped around gratuitously
Enormous plastic bits and pieces, odds and ends.

And we squirmed in the sack for a bit,
Until I got up, groped around to take a
Piss, and then back to sticky red thighs, so
Sting-eyed, and with stale tongues we
Taste-test our own stale, rigid anatomies.

Fucked around as everyone of some
Vile young age is reported to have done, until
Some insipid comment mars whatever romantic
Ideals were prancing around her head
Half-naked, but just as short-changed as I,

At least in some respects.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
The structure of this peice is extremely confusing to me. It seems as though the lines never end. It could work with certain types of music behind it, but by itself it just dosent flow for me. I like the picture it paints though.

Not bad.
#5
Excellent free verse. Excellent, man. I've always been fascinated at people who can write brilliant free verse like this.

Every word counts for something, and man, I see a picture, so vividly painted. Your vocabulary is superb. Fantastic job.
#6
Quote by broken_bottles


Woooooooooo


Shagged my way through hordes of
A good old shocking opening :-o
The giggling, gaggling type. She was some sweat-
Fisted promise that things would be different,
Her own slender fingers wrapped around gratuitously
I think this last word seems a bit out of place, I don't think it really fits with the vulgar feel of this stanza.
Enormous plastic bits and pieces, odds and ends.

Great last line.

And we squirmed in the sack for a bit,
Until I got up, groped around to take a
Piss, and then back to sticky red thighs, so
Sting-eyed, and with stale tongues we
Taste-test our own stale, rigid anatomies.

I think this could be seperaed up a bit, I mean at the moment it is all one long sentence, whihc I don't thin kworks well, unless you're trying to show some sort of constant, relentless routine of these exact actions. Again, impressive stuff, love it.

Fucked around as everyone of some
Vile young age is reported to have done, until
Some insipid comment mars whatever romantic
Ideals were prancing around her head
Half-naked, but just as short-changed as I,

At least in some respects.

Again, I have minor problems with sentence length, but I keep moaning on about that. You've once more produced a great piece, another twisted social commentary with cheeky wit and humour. I think you've nailed this style perfectly. I couldn't suck up to you anymore, could I


Jamie
#7
Cheers guys. Jamie, way to placate a man's ego! Nah, cheers, your crits are always great. I do seem to write in this style a lot, of late I keep trying to change it but it ain't working. I don't think I've written a piece without swearing or a sex reference.

Any more?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#11
Without sex, none of us would be here, or our parents or our... etc.

Anyway
Free-verse indeed, and a good one. I'm fond of the first word shock myself, so i was pleased to see that first word, firmly in place there at the very beginning. Something was so... gripping about this, despite the maybe disputable structure, although i'm not really complaining. It did all slot together and build a vivid image, even to the slowest of readers (a few blondes spring to mind).

So really, a job well done.

A crit on my latest, in my sig, would be greatly appreciated, thank you.