#1
Crit for crit, but I make no promises.

What? James "The Title King" used a title as a line in a song? Well, no, I used a line in the song as a title. 1. Because I love it. It's pretty awesome, in my opinion and 2. Because I feel that it's a very summarizing, subjective, and catchy line that deserves extra special attention. I wrote the first verse last night, the rest just now. First thing I'm posting in a while, let's hope it's good.


Dedicated to Maggie, because I'm a sappy bitch.


Everybody's out making names for themselves
But I'm just making out to forget myself
But you laughed so loud that it felt like summer again
And I swear for a minute I saw a ray through the rain
I saw a ray through the rain
(Which hasn't stopped for days)


Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


So they say what we make is art
Well I guess all your paitings are of a broken heart
Color me cliche but I'll call you impressed
Press your lips one more time, I need the taste of cyanide
Well if love is poison then let me have it.


Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Everybody's out partying every night
But every one ends with a fist fight
But you looked so depressed that it got me crying too
And I swear for a minute I saw a tear through your facade
(Or maybe it was just the rain.)


Get your girl out on the dance floor!


Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


(...Get your girl out on the dance floor...)


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Get your girl out on the dance floor!
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 16, 2006,
#2
Quote by Retribution



Dedicated to Maggie, because I'm a sappy bitch.
awwwwww... ya, you kinda are, arent you

Everybody's out making names for themselves
But I'm just making out to forget myself
hehe, I totally saw the word play with making out coming but it didnt distract from the impact, i really enjoyed these lines, very rock-n-roll-ish

But you laughed so loud that it felt like summer again
And I swear for a minute I saw a ray through the rain
I saw a ray through the rain
(Which hasn't stopped for days)
I can tell this isnt going to be easy to crit... uh, lets see... the only thing i might possibly change would be to get rid of some of the extraeneous articles... actually scratch that... I would like to see a little more wit here, maybe even a couple turns of phrase, like instead of 'and I swear for a minute I saw a ray through the rain' it would be like 'and i swear for a minute I saw the rain through a ray' or somethin... I really dunno, overall this was very good.

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock
relatable, catchy, very good, sorry I aint got nothin to add

I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before
I'm torn about this line, cause unless you follow up on this later its completely unecessary... but I really really like it, so I dunno, its your choice

So they say what we make is art
Well I guess all your paintings are of a broken heart
Color me cliche but I'll call you impressed
Press your lips one more time, I need the taste of cyanide
Well if love is poison then let me have it.
the last line wasnt that good but besides that its ace, sorry for such a terrible crit...

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock
same as before

I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before
same as before

Everybody's out partying every night
But every one ends with a fist fight
dont like this at all, its just... catchy for the sake of being catchy and rather... stupid *shrugs*
But you looked so depressed that it got me crying too
And I swear for a minute I saw a tear through your facade
(Or maybe it was just the rain.)
nice tie into the second stanza... nothing else to crit... so I gues I'll make it look like I'm critting by rambling about things for a while, hell, maybe I'll even write a poem here: Orange juice nazis took my orange juice/now what am I to do/ except slap my stick and procreate/ with some chicks contractin the avian flu

Get your girl out on the dance floor!
I hate this line but it fits here... so i dunno

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock

(...Get your girl out on the dance floor...)

I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before

Get your girl out on the dance floor!
all, same as before.


nice to see you back in good form, this is the best piece you've posted in a long time, so kudos on that James

And I'm sure Maddie is a fox

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695
#4
Really long, but reall good. And I like the title too. Very good, overall a 8 out of 10. It would be a ten if I could hear some good music go along with it. crit mine: Margaux please!
#8
Quote by Retribution
You should've left a drunken crit.

those are the best kind

and Caz, isnt 14 a little young to get wasted, I mean, thats not to say I didnt drink then, but still...
#11
i dunno. This was interesting. But whe ni first read it i felt like i was reading something coprate lyrics. with hte mention of singing/listening to new found glory as well as your mention of 11:11. The first stanza was the strongest by far in my opinion. then it kindof went down hill. and i wasn't a big fan of the way you used cyanide either. that just stuck out as a bad line.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12
Quote by furtherfan21
i dunno. This was interesting. But whe ni first read it i felt like i was reading something coprate lyrics. with hte mention of singing/listening to new found glory as well as your mention of 11:11. The first stanza was the strongest by far in my opinion. then it kindof went down hill. and i wasn't a big fan of the way you used cyanide either. that just stuck out as a bad line.


I'm a terrible fan to say that I've never heard the song where he mentions 11:11...

And the New Found Glory thing, I originally had "The June Spirit", then I realized it was too obscure a reference, so I swapped it for something with a similar feel.

And yeah, cyanide... haha. I should write lyrics for Atreyu.
#13
Hmm, didn't get completely smashed, just slightly influenced

Quote by Retribution
Crit for crit, but I make no promises.

What? James "The Title King" used a title as a line in a song? Well, no, I used a line in the song as a title. 1. Because I love it. It's pretty awesome, in my opinion and 2. Because I feel that it's a very summarizing, subjective, and catchy line that deserves extra special attention. I wrote the first verse last night, the rest just now. First thing I'm posting in a while, let's hope it's good.


Dedicated to Maggie, because I'm a sappy bitch.
If you say so.

Everybody's out making names for themselves Tell me about it!
But I'm just making out to forget myself
But you laughed so loud that it felt like summer again
And I swear for a minute I saw a ray through the rain
I saw a ray through the rain
(Which hasn't stopped for days)
I would change "laughed so loud" to "laughed so hard" here, it just sounds better in my opinion. Other than that though, very drawing.

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock
Excellente amigo.

I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before
I can relate to it for sure, but the second line needs strengthening of some kind.

So they say what we make is art
Well I guess all your paitings are of a broken heart
Color me cliche but I'll call you impressed
Press your lips one more time, I need the taste of cyanide
Well if love is poison then let me have it.
Now... i know exactly what you are saying with this and that second line in particular so don't get me wrong, but i think you should make that point without actually using that line; it just makes me cringe... Also, either most of the lines don't flow into eachother or they're missing punctuation.

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Everybody's out partying every night
But every one ends with a fist fight Weak two lines these are.
But you looked so depressed that it got me crying too
And I swear for a minute I saw a tear through your facade
(Or maybe it was just the rain.)
In fact... i thought all of this was pretty flimsy in comparison. It needs some kind of sharp edge to it i feel.

Get your girl out on the dance floor!
Ok then

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


(...Get your girl out on the dance floor...)


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Get your girl out on the dance floor!


On the whole, a rounded piece of work which i enjoyed.
#14
Quote by Caz

Get your girl out on the dance floor!
Ok then


for some reason I lol'd at that, alot.

edit: bah, dont crit the prose, thats sooooo two days ago. crit this instead please as its really weird: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434740
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 17, 2006,
#15
Crit for crit, but I make no promises.


Dedicated to Maggie, because I'm a sappy bitch.

Aaaww.


Everybody's out making names for themselves
But I'm just making out to forget myself

Best opening two lines I've seen for a while. As synth said, almost predictable yet somewhat satisfying.

But you laughed so loud that it felt like summer again
And I swear for a minute I saw a ray through the rain
I saw a ray through the rain
(Which hasn't stopped for days)

Nice.


Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock

No complaints.


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before

Once more, pretty solid in my eyes.


So they say what we make is art
Well I guess all your paitings are of a broken heart
Color me cliche but I'll call you impressed

I love that line there. "color me cliche", I loved that, great stuff.

Press your lips one more time, I need the taste of cyanide
Well if love is poison then let me have it.

Great writing, this stanza read greatly, though I think that last line ends it a bit bluntly, if that's what you wanted then great, if not, I'd think about rewording yet.


Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Everybody's out partying every night
But every one ends with a fist fight

Meh, I'm not a fan of the rhyme there, nor the repetition of "every", I think you could improve those two lines.
But you looked so depressed that it got me crying too
And I swear for a minute I saw a tear through your facade
(Or maybe it was just the rain.)

Solid, though "facade" in my thoughts doesn't quite fit the tone you have going here..


Get your girl out on the dance floor!

There's just something about that line I love. It's just the faint connotations of a sexual nature that make me love it.

Every Four A.M. Night
Where we sang New Found Glory
And slept in until seven o'clock


(...Get your girl out on the dance floor...)


I always count down the minutes until 11:11
Only to make the same wish as the night before


Get your girl out on the dance floor!

[BI really liked this one, probably on eof my favourites I've read from you. A few lines to touch up and I think you've got a pretty good piece.

If you could return, my latest is in my sig. More prose

Jamie
#17
I'll go away from what everyone else says and go for the New Found Glory stanza, and say that I didn't really like it, mainly because I didn't think it added anything to the song, along with the stanza after it. The rest I thought was good, although far from your best, you wrote some clever lines and phrases in there.

re:Bucephalus, I'm 18
#18
Quote by Dæmönika
I'll go away from what everyone else says and go for the New Found Glory stanza, and say that I didn't really like it, mainly because I didn't think it added anything to the song, along with the stanza after it. The rest I thought was good, although far from your best, you wrote some clever lines and phrases in there.

re:Bucephalus, I'm 18


Oh, whatever.

That one line still sucked. haha.

And thank you for your thoughts. Although I'm not exactly sure how it didn't add anything. To me it adds sentimental value.
#19
the usage of New Found Glory adds a common point of reference for many of the people reading this piece (ie. teenagers who, whether they hate them or enjoy them, know them). This allows the piece to reach their emotions that much more. In short, it allows people to relate to it and have that 'lol, I know what he's talking about lol' moment. Of course, I'm sure you already know that Michael and I'm really just wasting breath and I can see why you would absalutely hate that part, theres plenty or reasons.

In conclusion, can you bump my newest James? Pwease? you dont even have to crit, just bump it...
#20
Quote by #1 synth
the usage of New Found Glory adds a common point of reference for many of the people reading this piece (ie. teenagers who, whether they hate them or enjoy them, know them). This allows the piece to reach their emotions that much more. In short, it allows people to relate to it and have that 'lol, I know what he's talking about lol' moment. Of course, I'm sure you already know that Michael and I'm really just wasting breath and I can see why you would absalutely hate that part, theres plenty or reasons.

In conclusion, can you bump my newest James? Pwease? you dont even have to crit, just bump it...


Ok.

And yes, exactly. That was the problem with the other bands I tried in there. They were TOO obscure a reference. And of course, I don't want to make the line mean nothing to me.
#23
A very interesting piece, maybe not my exact cup of tea (tea (n) ) , but it's a very good lyric, with stuff I can relate to.. The part about 11:11 made me laugh, I always tend to make a wish when I see a digital clock that's either 11:11 or 22:22...

Hm.. Some parts made me kind of blue... All in all, great piece, feel free to comment on my lyric, it's in my signature.