#1
Do I know you girl
I swear I've seen your face
You don't look like you
Belong in this kinda place

Do you know me girl
Don't ask me why
Can you tell the truth to me
Or do you always have to lie

Let it go (hey hey hey) just let it go (yeah)

You're the girl who never
Kisses on the lips
You won't look me in the
Eyes
Your the girl who goes to
Bed every night
Prayin for a second try


I know you've probably
Had it rough
You look misused
I know you've probably
Had enough
So damn tired of bein used

So keep your head high
Never look down
Maybe then it'll all
Turn around
And keep your hopes up
Never let em bring you down
Maybe then it'll all
Turn around

And let it go (hey hey hey), just let it go (yeah)

Cause you're the girl who has
The softest lips
The most beautiful
Eyes
You're the girl who goes to
Bed every night
Dreamin of a different
Life

Let me know what you think about it and also what you think it's about as well (I hope someone can guess, it's kinda obvious) and I'll crit ya back. Thanks.
Last edited by Amped1 at Sep 16, 2006,
#2
any crits at all? it really is a good song when you hear it but i don't know how to get it on here with the sound
#3
Pretty good. It would make an excellent pop-rock song, with the memorable, catchy lines and all. It would make a good little anthem, methinks.

Just one thing:

I know you've probably
Had it rough
You look misused
I know you've probably
Had enough
So damn tired of bein used

Try not to rhyme "misused" with "used"

Other than that, it's good.
#4
i know i was going to use abused (still close but hey its not the same word with a prefix) but i decided it just wasn't right. and other songs do the same thing and they also ryhme the same word with the same word so i figured i should just do what i wanted, and when you listen to the song you don't really look at the ryhming the same as you do when you look at it when it's written down, thanks for the crit though. good prologue by the way.
#5
Well, I like it! Crit mine, Margaux, please. Keep writing and there tips on how to put your songs up, but if you still have trouble, just leave a comment on here and I'll tell you how to do it.
#7
Reminds me of something like The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus for some reason. As said before it would make a great pop-rock song with the catchy lines and if you get some catchy tunes to it, it would be awesome. It's not terribly bad but it's not amazingly awesome but it gets the job done. 7/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#8
I think there is danger when you put much more pressure on the music for a song to succeed, as I think is the case in this peice. I mean, it's not terrible, but really what does it represent? I don't get the feeling that I say to myself after reading it "wow, that was good, memorable, interesting, etc" Even the rhyme scheme, which this piece almost centers on too much, get's jumbled around (which probable is needed to fit it to the music if you've gotten that far) Be carefull what words or ideas you're using to end the rhyming hot spots. If it's around/down, used/misused, why/I those are all very tired, been used thousands for time before, or just plain bad (used, misuded LOL) So back to the first part, I think the music is what would have to set this peice apart, which could be tricky. My suggestion, put some meat into the lines of the song and don't be so sing-songy if that makes sense. really get into it, and don't focus on the rhyming so much. Tell me something ironic, or a story, something interesting .... anything.

don't have anything new for review, as I'm in the middle of alot of peices, but if you're interested in returning the crit, here you go:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374082
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#9
no ones guessed what it was, and seein as you (Amped) asked , i thought it was about a prostitute. lol im probably COMPLETELY wrong , but thought id have a go since no one else has so far
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Quote by somewhat_here

i wish i was fat so i can buy xxl clothes during liquidation
#10
thank you for your guess not enough and you were basically right, it was about a stripper, i wrote about it on the drive back home after i went to a strip club (teasers). thank you all for your crits and i'll crit you back aksuperstar but if you read this comment i don't know if i know exactly whaty you mean by sing-songy so if you could reply back that'd be great thanks again.
#11
make kinda kind of i think that would be better.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#14
i was guessing prostitute as well, its a good song,I would of liked to no more of her and your emotions during this encounter...if that makes any sence
#15
well KNOW more of her would have but NO more of her kind of confused me a bit
#16
thanks for your help and reviews and any more are appreciated, just please say something different than what has been said already...or don't whatever
#17
I think you would be getting alot more crits if you ceased the bumping and started critting other's pieces instead (nvm this if you're already doing that)

Anyway, I find this particular piece hard to crit. You use a simple rhyming pattern, no hard vocab, grand imagery.etc IMO it looks like one of them pop/punk songs you would hear on the radio. Not that there's anything wrong with that but if you want to improve as a songwriter I would advise that you try to break some new ground. Maybe try some more complex rhyming patterns (or don't rhyme at all), elaborate your themes and try some more complex vocab maybe (that is of course up to you, nothing wrong with simplicity either)
Altough the song isn't bad I'm convinced that you could write 5 equally good songs on a fairly short notice.
the show must go on.