#1
I've decided I want to write a story, and then later perhaps create a concept album out of it. At the moment, I'm not really sure what I want it to be about. I've decided, however, that my best bet on something to write on would be the thing that I'm most connected to - my life.

Thus, I started writing this as a either a Chatper I or an Introduction to a possible novel. I'd like feedback on its style (it's probably really dull and boring) and whether it would entice you to read on or not.

Oddly enough, this is probably the simplest thing I've written since sixth grade (five years ago, meh), so if it's too basic - let me know.


Here it is:


This story begins in a midsize house in the boring city of Irvine, California. I?d tell you a date but it really doesn?t matter, considering every day, month, and year are all nearly enough the same. Four people live in this house ? a mom, a dad, and two brothers. The mom is, by all practical definitions, insane, though no one has actually considered taking this to the authority of a mental institution. The dad is more or less a failure; he had a great, exciting life that pretty much ended once he got married. His friends are but a memory, and his happiness is but a bitter whisper.

Then there are the two brothers. The little one ? by four years ? is a little bit awkward, a little bit clumsy. He gets mediocre grades in school, and is pretty much a weak loser who plays video games and watches cartoons all day. He knows he has no life, but then again, neither does anyone else in the family, so it doesn?t seem all that bad.

Then there?s the older brother. He is, for lack of a better description, a very bored person. The time frame of his life seems more like a watercolor still life than a moving roll of film, and he?s spent over half a decade of his life spending most of the usual day sitting alone in his room, wasting time.

This family is, therefore, a complete domestic failure. Familial love is all but absent, and bitter resentment is all but omnipresent. Thus far, this could seem like a typical family. After all, every family has their arguments. No family?s perfect.

However, the story of this family is worth telling. It is a story of lost love, crushing tragedy, and deep-rooted hatred. It would make the perfect movie, were it not plagued by such an uninviting atmosphere of boredom.

But the best books seem to be the ones that are most boring. And thus, I present to you this tale, which is by all practical definitions, a true story.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Crit for crit.


Edit: I've taken out that phrase that the first couple of posts are talking about, so, yeah...
Last edited by yawn at Sep 17, 2006,
#2
You use the phrase "by all practical definitions", by all practical definitions, a lot. But the concept is very cool.
#3
Thats a lot of f**kin' practical definitions! Can we rely on you to write a book that doesn't use the same words over and over again like you just did then?

If we can, cool.

EDIT: Damn you! Beaten to it.
#5
Quote by johnmalkin
Thats a lot of f**kin' practical definitions! Can we rely on you to write a book that doesn't use the same words over and over again like you just did then?

If we can, cool.

EDIT: Damn you! Beaten to it.
Yeah, the recurring motif of that would most likely just stay within the first chapter, and maybe possibly be repeated one last time and the very end of the book.

Should I just completely omit that phrase? I was hoping for something in the vein of Vonnegut's "So it goes", or something like that.

How is it in terms of being interesting and making you want to read on?
Last edited by yawn at Sep 17, 2006,
#6
Well, I think you should have it cut out completely. It irritates the reader and makes it feel longer than it really is. It's an intelligent and true piece of work so far, but that phrase on repeat makes it feel tedious to read.
#7
you can use the phrase only when needed. Certainly not here "He is, by all practical definitions, a very bored person." I recommend only using it once or not at all in this prologue, which is what it should be by the way, and then perhaps once again at the end but you needn't worry about that right now. well written for a junior except for a few things such as your repeated phrase and it seems almost like you are trying too hard to make it sound professional and intelligent, you actually almost pull it off but I think that it is the 'by all practical definitions' that gives that impression. also in the 2nd paragraph about the little brother maybe give less of an opinion about him 'not having a life' or at least don't phrase it that way...you insult the other kids who enjoy playing video games all day and the like (my brother is the same way). overall a well written piece and I probably would like to read more but just remember you can't make it too boring...meaning you're going to have to fib a little and make it more exciting than your life really is. good luck with it and keep up the writing, god knows we need more GOOD novelists and please crit my song. It's called Different Life posted tonight, thanks.
#8
^ Thanks for the crit. I've decided I'll just take out all but one of the "by all practical definitions" phrases.

Oh, and believe me - I won't need to fictualize it to make it interesting.

Hell, even if I tell nothing but the truth - it'll still sound too crazy to be completely believable.


Hm, so overall is this working, or should I just try something else?
Last edited by yawn at Sep 18, 2006,