#1
so I wanted to try out a new style that I made up {dunno if its been done before}, this is probably crap as its the most experimental thing I have ever done, its also extremely confusing, so I kinda wanna hear what you think the meaning is. Also, if you cant see the style behind it then... I fear for you, as its fairly evident. I'll give you a hint that the meaning has something to do with early American history and Literature, lots of allusions.


Abraham Lincoln is a convict
Brought on by Cotton Mather printing presses
Cloaked in coats of, English tea-stains and
Draining lakes of feigned Purist wit. He is but a shackle, a chain
Erased and incased in unsullied
Fractured ink-legend written askew, scribed through the,
Gapping through the,
Hashes of railroad tracks He built, burning well-oiled over
In situ inflammable plants and products.
Judgeless. Flawless. Smudgeless. Lawless. Wordless. Lifeless in literature. He is but Indian
Kachina, a spirit raped in the annals of repetitive verse being sealed into unnatural echoes; a
Lucky piece of Architecture, a homely phantasma whose conviction lies spat over His barred bib;
Manifest destiny self-etched over His 'no-smoking' face by fact over fantasy; by Cotton over Gin.
Nodes and cresting distance only refracted hands as they drew
Out the Asian
Plot lines that no one knew existed, except by Him:
Qing of the Queenship to Abraham?s covenant.
Resounding, only resounding valley's, He?s not a name, He?s only
Sleeping on pre-doubled quilt. Abraham was manifest, Lincoln was American. Mother was God.
Tuesday we were asked to plead for independence, no one stood.
Unless you count the spirits pacing outside the double doors, engraving
Voluptuous chests onto their journalist notebooks,
When questioned, Lincoln responeded. When remembering, they thought of bare breasts.
X-rays couldn?t even begin to pierce the truth, that Lincoln's hat was
Yellow, and now nobody will know except for Him, changed by Lincoln, chained by the
Zephyrs passing through historical Purist whim.
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 17, 2006,
#2
X and Z kind of give it away...and it is rather hard to find words to use with them. A really, really cool idea, but not a style i think, because if anybody else did it again it would be a used idea. I know nothing of American histroy (i live in south africa) if that could possibly help me understand it, but i was clueless, i just knew it was written well, and i enjoyed reading it. Heres mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434531
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#3
this ides is used in poems more than song writing, but it could be used in a song, the thing is you'd have to make it noticeable that that was how it was wrote, people would realise.
#4
Quote by #1 synth
so I wanted to try out a new style that I made up {dunno if its been done before}, this is probably crap as its the most experimental thing I have ever done, its also extremely confusing, so I kinda wanna hear what you think the meaning is. Also, if you cant see the style behind it then... I fear for you, as its fairly evident. I'll give you a hint that the meaning has something to do with early American history and Literature, lots of allusions.

Pfft, it's an alphabet acrostic, get with the times...

I'm not great on American history, or literature, so I'm gonna forget allusions etc.



Abraham Lincoln is a convict Attention-drawing opening.
Brought on by Cotton Mather printing presses
Cloaked in coats of, English tea-stains and

Nice alliteration. Anything English is always good

Draining lakes of feigned Purist wit. He is but a shackle, a chain
Erased and incased in unsullied

Flo wis always going to be a difficult conecpt when writing like this, I'm not too sure about the flow of this piece.

Fractured ink-legend written askew, scribed through the, Good rhyme.
Gapping through the,
Hashes of railroad tracks He built, burning well-oiled over
In situ inflammable plants and products.
Judgeless. Flawless. Smudgeless. Lawless. Wordless. Lifeless in literature. He is but Indian

So that was great flow control. right there. Good stuff.

Kachina, a spirit raped in the annals of repetitive verse being sealed into unnatural echoes; a
Lucky piece of Architecture, a homely phantasma whose conviction lies spat over His barred bib;
Manifest destiny self-etched over His 'no-smoking' face by fact over fantasy; by Cotton over Gin.
Nodes and cresting distance only refracted hands as they drew
Out the Asian
Plot lines that no one knew existed, except by Him:
Qing of the Queenship to Abraham?s covenant.
Resounding, only resounding valley's, He?s not a name, He?s only
Sleeping on pre-doubled quilt. Abraham was manifest, Lincoln was American. Mother was God.
Tuesday we were asked to plead for independence, no one stood.
Unless you count the spirits pacing outside the double doors, engraving
Voluptuous chests onto their journalist notebooks,
When questioned, Lincoln responeded. When remembering, they thought of bare breasts.
X-rays couldn?t even begin to pierce the truth, that Lincolns hat was
Yellow, and now nobody will know except for Him.
Z. Language is history and History is nothing without Pure Whim.

sorry, I got tired critting line for line, Lol. I need some sleep What I can say is that I did enjoy this overall, although not to my personal tastes I can appreciate your writing again and your skills as a writer.

Nice stuff synthy



Jamie
#6
see the thing is i dont make things easy for people to see what I'm attempting to do. Ever.

Anyway, whenever i mention He its the old throwback to talking about God, in case anyone cared...
#9
i don't really like the language you use. i think that's cuz i'm more of a simplistic kinda guy. obviously it was well written and the nature of how you used the alphabet was clever, but i can't help but think that it was too strenuous to read [if you get what i mean]
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#10
Quote by #1 synth
see the thing is i dont make things easy for people to see what I'm attempting to do. Ever.

I'm with you 100%, me too.

Anyway, like the first bloke, i wouldn't know anything about American history (what there is of it ) but i'm guessing that's not the point anyway.
It's somehting more to do with.... something else and that something else, i'm not in a position to comment about.

Anyway, to the structure. It was certainly odd on first reading but that's only because it's new in truth, there are no fundamental flaws with it at all. In fact i grew fairly fond of the style, as i am with modern poetry because of the freedom. But you know what? If i keep rambling on about this structure i'm just gonna repeat what i said to Glenn in his thread

In terms of the vocab, it was all up to the usual scratch and, indeed, impressive however i felt that it wasn't needed in some places.

To conclude, i'm fond of these kind of pieces because i like to write them too, and it's always great to see one similar pulled off in such a way.

Fancy a read of my newest? It's only a click away, in my sig Many thanks

-Calum
#11
Thanks Caz, and if anyone wants to know the actual meaning (to me), PM me and I'll tell you.

and Frodo, ya, I'm trying to get into more of a simplistic style but this is the one that I'm used to and its really hard to change. cheers for the crit though, your opinion is valued more than alotta people on these boards
#12
Quite interesting,I saw a poem done this way a long time ago.Cant see it in a song...maybe a folk song. Not my cup of tea however I do respect the work you put into it...nice job....want to crit mine titled "Strongest Man Alive" would be apreciated.
#13
Something tells me you're a Grateful Dead fan, #1 synth

I'll have a good look at it and post my comments later - this is one hell of a piece though

see the thing is i dont make things easy for people to see what I'm attempting to do. Ever.


I tend to do the same, but I generally condense the poem to 5 or 6 lines - max, sometimes even a single verse.
#14
I thought the writing was excellent and i liked the idea to go though every letter of the alphabet, very clever,

the only problem i had with it is that it, in my opinion and the way i read/sung it, it didnt have that much flow; very hard to put this to music.

If you could find a way to get a better rythym to this, it would be a diamond song

All in all pretty good 7.5/10

could you crit mine, the links below
___________________________________________________________________
My Songs:
It's Time
A Decade Later
#15
Ok, here's my crit.

I'll let you know that this is one of the best pieces i've ever read here. Very well thought out, and liberal amounts of cryptic lyrics. I'm not very familiar with US history, so good ol' wikipedia was a great help at my attempt to understand this.

Your idea to start each verse with a different letter of the alphabet from A-Z was interesting - and probably made the piece harder to write, so all my kudos for that.

As Jammydude told you, the phrase: "Abraham Lincoln is a convict" captures immediate imagination.

However:

Abraham Lincoln is a convict
Brought on by Cotton Mather printing presses
Cloaked in coats of, English tea-stains and
Draining lakes of feigned Purist wit.


This is just brilliant. As is the rest of the bit about Lincoln. Pure genius m8.

Qing of the Queenship to Abraham?s covenant.


Brilliant pun, had me in fits

Z. Language is history and History is nothing without Pure Whim.


Ditto

You've certainly got an eye for detail

Captain Beefheart, Zappa and Jerry Garcia'd be proud
#16
dude, this is neat, loved the first line, and the rest is really good, confusing too, but that's your goal, although not my personal preferance... nonetheless it is what you were aiming for... I dont know too much about poems so i dont know if the alphabet thing is original or not, but i still liked the idea... Someone mentioned about making it into song (that theres a hard to find rythim) and he's right but i dont think you write songs, do you? so that might be an irrelevant critique... but thats all i have to say about this, a lot of really cool sounding lines...

hey, i hope you have time to check out my new one... i really want to improve it, so here a link if you can: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=435875
#18
Quote by wolfat the door
theres quite a few hip hop songs that use the alphabet gimmick


really? for example...
#19
synth, assuming you are the one who wrote the song about the barbies, and like, all the colors and stuff (i think you were) you gotta lay off a little. its a lot to handle, all these profound pretentious songs...

good idea tho.
Get baked, study theory.

Quote by :-D
Why are you bringing Cm into this?
#20
Just for the record: I hate Grateful Dead, I like pretty colors.

and instrumental, uh, the barbie piece (if it was me) was over 4 months ago... I think my writing has changed a little since then, and by a little I mean alot, and just because its confusing doesnt make it pretentious.

And another just for the record: I write songs but I never post songs, nothing I will ever post here will be a song