#1
Well here's something new, I hope I got it right here, I like it personally but then I'm being pretty positive about my own writing at the moment. I orignally had the first four stanzas as one big stanza, but I think it is better now I've seperated them up.

I know I owe some crits, sorry I've been busy/ill/lazy for the last couple of days. I'll do my best to return them, and any you wish if you comment on this.

Enjoy


The slurred speech of a stranded drunk,
Held up by a helping hand
Of a friend who's worse for wear.

Two fingers shown to the grown-ups,
Who moan about those damn teenage girls
Going topeless on the rides for free.

Mums and dads make sure their own kids,
Walk past with child's eyes on only one
Set of tea-cups.

High-five's slapped between packs,
Of laughing hyenas as they each take a hit
Upon the the fairground punchbag.

A single spectator fingers an empty wallet,
Studying the coupled group of friends
That he has acquired.

But still he smiles,
For he still has friends.
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
Well here's something new, I hope I got it right here, I like it personally but then I'm being pretty positive about my own writing at the moment. I orignally had the first four stanzas as one big stanza, but I think it is better now I've seperated them up.

I know I owe some crits, sorry I've been busy/ill/lazy for the last couple of days. I'll do my best to return them, and any you wish if you comment on this.

Enjoy


The slurred speech of a stranded drunk,
Held up by a helping hand
Of a friend who's worse for wear.
The best stanza of this; no dobt.
Two fingers shown to the grown-ups,
Who moan about those damn teenage girls
Going topeless on the rides for free.
Don't like that second line there, rephrase that and this isn't bad at all, although should be better.
Mums and dads make sure their own kids,
Walk past with child's eyes on only one
Set of tea-cups.
Pretty good, although the repetition of "child" is unecessary.
High-five's slapped between packs,
Of laughing hyenas as they each take a hit
Upon the the fairground punchbag.
Great.
A single spectator fingers an empty wallet,
Studying the coupled group of friends
That he has acquired.
Ok... nothing wow here, needs something to interest the reader.
But still he smiles,
For he still has friends.


Shitty crit! For some reason all my crits on yours have been like that
#3
worst. ending. ever. With every fiber of my being I despise that ending and the 'moral' behind said ending. Friendship is the most cliche idea i have ever run across. Ever. And even though the fact that its somewhat relatable (which I encourage) the fact that every single Rugrats episode was based on this completely destroys any optimism i hold towards this that I built up during the set up...

And thats whats truly dissapointing. The set up and context here is damn near flawless. The onl thing I would change in the body of the piece is the phrase 'Laughing Hyenas' as its a fairly common phrase, actually, keep hyenas and bring in another suitable, yet contrasting adjective to counteract laughing. I especially enjoyed the:

Two fingers shown to the grown-ups,
Who moan about those damn teenage girls
Going topeless on the rides for free.

that was cool. In fact, most of it was cool, until you got to the meat of what you were saying. And frankly it doesnt matter if friends are the most prevelant thing in your life, if you would sacrifice yourself for them... hell, friends are people too and people are ****ers. Friendship is a false and undefinitive term, its vague and isnt concrete enough to base a line, let alone an entire poem about. the word and theme of friendship should not be directly cited in poetry, as I've said, it ruins it for me, even if the rest of the poem is flawless.

o, and nice Britishness with the Mum thing, I really do like what you're trying out with incorporating heritage into your work

sorry to have been kinda harsh, but friendship pisses me off (and I'm not bitter, I have plenty of good friends) its just.... bah! couldnt you have thought of something better?!!?!?

if you please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434740
#4
Quote by #1 synth

o, and nice Britishness with the Mum thing, I really do like what you're trying out with incorporating heritage into your work


No Dylan, that's just how we spell it normally and how it's meant to be spelt!
#5
Quote by #1synth
sorry to have been kinda harsh, but friendship pisses me off (and I'm not bitter, I have plenty of good friends) its just.... bah! couldnt you have thought of something better?!!?!?


Yes. Yes I could have. I will. Look out for an edit soon. I had a few endings flying through my head, one of which simply didn't have an ending. I guess I put down the wrong one, though I'm not going to fall back and edit it instantly just because of your critique :P I guess a couple will tell me now that the ending sucks, but that was what I was mostly worried about in the peice.

Thanks for your comments though, and Caz, just you correcting synth for me made my day
#6
It wasn't the strongest ending, but the rest is brilliant. I love the understatement, it reminded me of Phillip Larkin slightly, also slightly (if I may arrogantly say so) of my piece, 'Paradise'. Really, stunning writing, well above your years. Your best yet, by miles.

Yeah, I'm a creepy-arse-bum-lick.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
I personally enjoyed the 2nd last stanza, I found it's apparent lack of exciting activity interesting. I don't think its such a damning theme friendship, you pulled it off right until the last stanza, where I also felt vomit rising, so you could work on it. It's an interesting format, so well done for that. I think everything has already been said...just read through it , fix it up a tad. Thanks for the crit btw
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#9
Well Jamie, this piece comes across as very young. Naive even. There's nothing wrong with that what so ever, but I find less in it to keep me interested.
The structure you chose hurts the piece as well. Too cut to pieces, no flow between the stanzas that can all be read as if unrelated to each other.
I don't like the discussion about the ending and the idea behind the piece, because you can just say you can't relate to this but any other comments have no merit concerning the content of the piece - because it was written well, consistently and had good imagery and depictive scenes.
If you work on the stanzas and the flow between them it can be a very good piece of writing, regardless of the fact I, personally, have no interest in the meaning behind it.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#10
"Held up by a helping hand
Of a friend who's worse for wear.
"
These two lines together are freakin' viscous. They just do. not. flow.

It also irks me the way you start stanzas with great flow and similar sounding syllables and stuff but just then have abandoned that by the end of the stanza. I mean, parts of it read well, then the next part will just be totally...meh...That's how it appeared to me, anyway.

Anyway I dunno what to make of the rest 'cause my minds pretty frazzled here. I guess they felt a bit 'meh', to me. Even though that's a worthless statement, especially considering I can't back it up...so, lame crit. FTW!

Whoa, Dylan, relax, lol. I didn't even get the impression this was really about 'friendship'.