#1
If you decide to reply, I'll crit yours in return.

Purple rainbows heading my way
Casting shadows every sunny day
Cerise roses line this path
Waiting nervously for the aftermath
Twenty people in a line
Drinking cups of the forbidden wine

People preaching every faith
Hearing them all doesn?t make me feel safe
An army?s marching without cause
Hear the hooves of Bucephalus
Mighty Alexander?s puissant horse
Riding like there?s no tomorrow
Does he know something we don?t?
I don?t know although I used to

The thorn is stuck in the lion?s paw
There are no mice there any more
The time has come to pack our bags
And reel in our famous flags
Hit the road going to nowhere
A hundred people asking, ?Are we there??
#3
Quote by Dæmönika
If you decide to reply, I'll crit yours in return.

Purple rainbows heading my way
Casting shadows every sunny day
Cerise roses line this path
Waiting nervously for the aftermath
Twenty people in a line
Drinking cups of the forbidden wine

I like this. Sets the tone very well. Excellent wording, flows superbly. Good opening.


People preaching every faith
Hearing them all doesn?t make me feel safe
An army?s marching without cause
Hear the hooves of Bucephalus
Mighty Alexander?s puissant horse
Riding like there?s no tomorrow
Does he know something we don?t?
I don?t know although I used to

Don't love this. Some flow issues, and the rhymes seem maybe a little forced, even. It's just so-so.

The thorn is stuck in the lion?s paw
There are no mice there any more
The time has come to pack our bags
And reel in our famous flags
Hit the road going to nowhere
A hundred people asking, ?Are we there??



I like the opening of this stanza, but I really don't like the ending. I just feel like it doesn't wrap it up well. But that's just me.



Overall, not a bad piece at all. The only huge problem I have is the ending, but, to each his own.
<Han> I love Hitler
#4
The first and last verses are excellent, but the second I have a slight problem with. The rhymes are hella forced, and some come off as just bad phrasing-wise.

People preaching every faith
Hearing them all doesn?t make me feel safe

I wasn't aware you didn't leave middle school...? I thought you were 20? Seriously, second line is just awful.

That drags the entire piece down. The rest is good, and some is excellent and clever. But that above line makes the rest seem worse...

Link in sig if you wish to read it.
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 17, 2006,
#5
sounds ok, with the right music along with it it could be not half bad,,

however the ryhme scheme, seems forced at times, and altogether gone for some parts, its kind of a blend

here's my new one if you want to crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434922
#6
Cheers all. As for the rhyming aspect of this, I'm fed up of trying too hard to rhyme and therefore losing any meaning, so I made the rhyming very simple so as not to detract from meaning; simple rhyming also helps somewhat with keeping track of rhythm. Which brings me on to another point. The rhythm in the second stanza is off because it is to be played differently, only slightly but differently nonetheless. Again, thanks to all.
#7
Quote by Dæmönika
If you decide to reply, I'll crit yours in return.

Purple rainbows heading my way
Casting shadows every sunny day
Cerise roses line this path
Waiting nervously for the aftermath
Twenty people in a line
Drinking cups of the forbidden wine

I love this stanza! I love your adjectives, cerise roses, forbidden wine, purple rainbows..(?) it's good. Very, very what's the word, I don't remember but it creates good pictures in my mind I feel like I'm in someplace very pretty, until the nervous part and the forbidden wine. WAIT? where am I? is this good or bad?

People preaching every faith
Hearing them all doesn?t make me feel safe
An army?s marching without cause
Hear the hooves of Bucephalus
Mighty Alexander?s puissant horse
Riding like there?s no tomorrow
Does he know something we don?t?
I don?t know although I used to

Okay so I like this too, I like the words although the rhythm is off in a couple parts it still sounds good. And the last 4 lines don't rhyme at all, which is wierd, because the first four lines do..And I would leave out 'all' in the second line to help the rhythm, and won't instead of doesn't..and "does he know something THAT we don't?" maybe. But still good, the IMAGERY (remembered the word ) is kinda lost here but the adjectives are great..'puissant'. good word.

The thorn is stuck in the lion?s paw
There are no mice there any more
The time has come to pack our bags
And reel in our famous flags
Hit the road going to nowhere
A hundred people asking, ?Are we there??


I like this stanza too. But the second line could be rewritten better I think. The third and fourth lines are extremely good though. And the ending is wierd but I like it..in a wierd way..I think it could be better too, but it's not bad either, it just could be better.

Good song I liked it a lot, it was fun to read And if you crit one of mine, please do walk faster, and not silence... thanks and keep writing!
ferret.
#8
Aha, i was just about to comment on the difference of flow in the second stanza!

Yes indeed, a good'n, i can't really complain too much at all to be quite honest except maybe the rhyming but only really was a problem in the first two lines, so hey.

Hear the hooves of Bucephalus
Mighty Alexander?s puissant horse
Riding like there?s no tomorrow


This part was ruined i feel by that last line in italics, please change that, because those three lines are lovely otherwise.

Great work here.