#1
hey, plz crit this, and i will crit your stuff if you want

keep in mind this just came to me today and i haven't refined it yet, (eg: p.o.v., tenses, word choices)

verse 1

with wallace at the lead we can never truly fail
we can build the enemy a stairway to their kings
we'll avenge our broken hearts with the breaking of their own,
today well make their children bastards and send the fathers all to hell

chorus *still shaky

brave sir wallace we thank you very much,
for giving us the proof of god under these clouds
and for lending us to understand that
we don't need no foriegn rule in our frickin land

verse 2

with sword large and mighty he did hold it in the air
he looked off in the distance and returned their bloody stare
he was the first to run and the last to walk,
when the blood it did then rain

chorus

verse 3 softer, epilogue-feel

tis really shamed that money was partly to blame for this
that brave sir wallace indeed did die, but his spirity still lives on
for there is still injustice done to some, and some still do fight back
for good ole wallace is still leading their attack

i know there isn't much ryhme scheme there, but its still not finished, i just wanted to get it (idea) down before it was lost
#2
Quote by agmoney429

with wallace at the lead we can never truly fail
we can build the enemy a stairway to their kings Good opening couple of lines, although a major snag already is syllable count. Too many in the second line for flow.
we'll avenge our broken hearts with the breaking of their own, Word choice could improve.
today well make their children bastards and send the fathers all to hell Too long compared to the rest of the stanza.

chorus *still shaky

brave sir wallace we thank you very much, Second half of that line; No. It just didn't sound right.
for giving us the proof of god under these clouds
and for lending us to understand that Surprisingly, too short.
we don't need no foreign rule in our frickin land Change frickin. As this is obviously a song about Scotland, I doubt Americanisms will put a point across.

verse 2

with sword large and mighty he did hold it in the air Actually, quite a good line, the best so far.
he looked off in the distance and returned their bloody stare The first half needs complete rewording. It looks like a ten year old wrote it.
he was the first to run and the last to walk,
when the blood it did then rain Makes no sense. Rewording needs done here.

tis really shamed that money was partly to blame for this
that brave sir wallace indeed did die, but his spirit still lives on Your diction wasn't the best, in fact it was terrible. Sorry, but I'm just saying what I see. You really need to scrap those lines and write them again, using different words in a different order.
for there is still injustice done to some, and some still do fight back
for good ole wallace is still leading their attack Not bad.


For an idea, it's not overdone, so that's a plus, but you really need to work hard on this if you want to make it decent. So far, it his average.
#3
Quote by agmoney429
hey, plz crit this, and i will crit your stuff if you want

keep in mind this just came to me today and i haven't refined it yet, (eg: p.o.v., tenses, word choices)

verse 1

with wallace at the lead we can never truly fail
we can build the enemy a stairway to their kings
we'll avenge our broken hearts with the breaking of their own,
today well make their children bastards and send the fathers all to hell
hmmm... wallace? sorry i don't understand that but that could just be me being stupid..i like the second and third lines though, although I felt the fourth line seems a bit harsh. And yeah it doesn't rhyme, and the rhythm is off with a little tweaking this could be a really good opener.
chorus *still shaky

brave sir wallace we thank you very much,
for giving us the proof of god under these clouds
and for lending us to understand that
we don't need no foriegn rule in our frickin land
ooh so wallace is a knight. the third line is a little confusing, and it's a bit too short for the rhythm and maybe skip the 'the' before proof of god it throws the rhythm off. but the last line is very good i like it. hehe the grammar sucks there but the line itself is really good.
verse 2

with sword large and mighty he did hold it in the air
he looked off in the distance and returned their bloody stare
he was the first to run and the last to walk,
when the blood it did then rain
well the first two lines are amazing. very good imagery. and the third line is good and the fourth line is good but they don't really fit together. like, the lines themselves are much better than anything i could think up myself, but they don't belong together. the rhythm and the rhyming just doesn't match them up. (i think that's the problem there anyway not quite sure, it just doesn't sound good.)
chorus

verse 3 softer, epilogue-feel

tis really shamed that money was partly to blame for this
that brave sir wallace indeed did die, but his spirity still lives on
for there is still injustice done to some, and some still do fight back
for good ole wallace is still leading their attack
his spririty? i'm sure that's just a typo. but that verse is extremely good! I love it! Good job! but wallace died? aww that's a sad song. *disappointment*. but good good job there.
i know there isn't much ryhme scheme there, but its still not finished, i just wanted to get it (idea) down before it was lost


Yeah good job on the idea part. If that's just the idea, I'm excited to hear it when it's all good and done. Good job. And if you want to crit one of mine (hehe) do walk faster! thank ya very much! and good job!
ferret.