#1
let us talk of my bones,
my bones that support me
unmade of calcium or marrow
but really man-made compliments.

my bones are not.
and my flesh is truly
suspended by the lack
of nothing in the abundance
of something that is not
what I need;
my love left me.

my mind is not.
and I char my flesh
with it?s separatist?s control:
to be without;
I am not ?

and now that my love is dead
and her restless corpse festers
within my Mind, I am.
#2
Dude...that's some trippy ****...
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
#3
haha thats pretty good
its crazy but it flows magically and stays in the mind

good stuff
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#4
Thanks guys but I really would appreciate any actual suggestions or something. And it would also be nice if the people I critted would return the favour.
#5
Interesting...

We don't often see poems about bones over here

First of all - I think its very risky to make a poem using anatomical terms - but in this case you seem to have pulled it off.

let us talk of my bones,
my bones that support me
unmade of calcium or marrow
but really man-made compliments.


Good opening verse. Chop off the "really" or tweak that 4th verse, it chokes the flow.

btw, you forgot to mention the phosphates, chondroblasts and chondrocytes

- a pedant


my bones are not.
and my flesh is truly
suspended by the lack
of nothing in the abundance
of something that is not
what I need;
my love left me.


This is great. The way you made the stanza flow, especially the use of the suspended verse was pretty good.

my mind is not.
and I char my flesh
with it?s separatist?s control:
to be without;
I am not ?


Again, well written stanza. The "separatist's control" bit stands out particularly well.


and now that my love is dead
and her restless corpse festers
within my Mind, I am.


Change the first two verses here. They don't fit, at all. The rest of the song had an upbeat dodginess to it and now you suddenly switch to cannibal corpse?

Did you use no caps throughout on purpose?

Please, crit my piece: Gender vs Sex.
#6
So yes I did mean to have no capitals. The last bit is what the entire thing is about and sums it up, the entire thing is metaphorical, and no it's not about bone, really. The bones represent confidence...maybe that helps? But the corpse represents memory.

I think I will get rid of the 'really'. Thanks.

Finally somebody helpful.
#7
first if all, excellent title.

let us talk of my bones,
my bones that support me
unmade of calcium or marrow
but really man-made compliments.

--DIDN'T MUCH CARE FOR THIS AS AN OPENING. THE REPEATING OF BONES IS A BIT MUCH FOR ME, AND FOR SOME REASON SOUND FAR TOO WIERD. SAME WITH UNMADE, I KNOW IT FITS, AND ALONE IS A PRETTY NEAT WORD, BUT I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT HERE. OVERALL THE IDEA IS GOOD, AND FOR THE MOST PART, IT DOES SET UP THE REST OF THE PEICE. SO I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT THAT BAD AFTER ALL ONCE I DIG INTO IT. BUT THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT IT ....

my bones are not.
and my flesh is truly
suspended by the lack
of nothing in the abundance
of something that is not
what I need;
my love left me.

--THIS IS GREAT MAN. I LIKE THIS KIND OF WRITING. AND EVEN WITH MY BIAS ASIDE, THIS IS SOME GOOD STUFF. LAST LINE IS KINDA CHEESY, AND I'D BE A FOOL IF I DIN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS COMING. IT'S NOT BAD, BUT MORE OF OBVIOUS. WHICH I SUPPOSE COULD GO EITHER WAY.

my mind is not.
and I char my flesh
with it?s separatist?s control:
to be without;
I am not ?

--ACTUALLY HAD TO LOOK UP THE WORD SPEPARATISTS, WHICH WAS A GOOD THING FOR ME, BUT THE LESS LOYAL MAY SKIP OVER IT. JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND. YOU WANT IT TO BE POETIC, BUT NOT TOO OVER THE TOP EITHER. BUT THIS AGAIN, I REALLY LIKE.

and now that my love is dead
and her restless corpse festers
within my Mind, I am.

--SO SO ENDING, AND GOES WITH THE LAST LINE OF STANZA TOO. A BIT PREDICTABLE. NOT MY MOST FAVORTIE WAY TO END THE PEICE, BUT YEAH, I'D SAY IT WORKS.

To sum it up, this is one of the better things I've read today, and the title still makes me smile. Nice work.

Mine if your so inclined: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=436106
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