#1
Ok this is my first song. I want completely honest opinions. Do not hold back. Suggestions are encouraged.

Standing alone
But I can hear whispers
From a voice in the wind
And the smoke starts to clear
The smoke of my sins

The windtalkers whisper
It was now or never
Fallen in battle
Now they shall fight no more forever

Consumed by the flames
The flames of your past
Try to ignore it
Ignorance won't last
Give in or go mad

The windtalkers whisper
It was now or never
Fallen in battle
Now they shall fight no more forever

Can you hear the windtalkers?
They aren't in your mind
The voices of the dead
Of the ones you left behind
Can you hear the windtalkers?
They're calling your name
The name of a hero
A hero of shame

No chance of redemption
You've eternally sinned
Get rid of the guilt
Lend your voice to the wind


Comments please.
With a name like Yakult, it has to be good. Vote Yakult.

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#2
It has a very Native feel to it. Like an American Idian poem. I'm not really sure what it's getting at, though. You have some really good images in there. "Lend your voice to the wind," chilling. It was a good piece, but I really didn't understand exactly what you were getting at. I liked the way it sounded, though, dude.
#3
Well since Windtalkers were the Native Americans used in WW2 I assumed the 'native' feel was intentional. As bushidoka said, I thought some of the lines were chilling. Especailly that one he mentioned.
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#4
You really don't need a rhyme scheme as I'm sure you know. This is actually quite good...

And the smoke starts to clear
The smoke of my sins

There you said that smoke cleared away smoke? Doesn't work, I suggest just saying:

And it starts to clear
the smoke of my sins.

Also watch your punctuation, just use punctuation the way you would, sentences and such, but still with broken lines accordingly. This doesn't really matter as much with songs, but if you start writing poetry (which you almost undoubtedly will) it will matter, especially to me.

song-wise as long as you have proper music that allows the lines to flow nicely I can't really see anything wrong with this.

Something to look for if you have a song that has a strict tune to sing is try to make sure the lines have a close-ish number of syllables...

Please comment on my poem, one of the ones in my sig.

Thanks.