#1
This isn't my best work and I haven't been writing songs for very long so give a crit

Verse:
It's been so obvious
That you and I just don't connect
Like we did in the past

Remembering the times
When I just wanted to make you smile
Things just aren't the way they were before

Chorus:
And now I'm running out of things to say
And now I'm running out of things to do
And I'm sorry if this breaks your heart
But it's obvious were better of apart

Verse:
It's been so obvious
The way you look at me
like I'm someone else

Remembering the times
When all I wanted to do
Was spend time with you
I guess things aren't what they appear to be

Chorus:
And now I'm running out of thngs to say
And now I'm running out of things to do
And I'm sorry if this breaks your heart
But it's obvious were better of apart

crit4crit
Last edited by Descendent-182 at Sep 19, 2006,
#3
I like it. It's nice seeing a song about a relationship that isn't talking about how much you love the person. I mean, love songs are good if written well, just way too cliched sometimes.

I give it a 7/10.
#4
1.Ur a blink fan right, well u now they got a song called obvious.

2.Anyway for the crit, its ok, but I would like to see the finished product first before I say anything.
#5
A good song with some good lyrics. Maybe a bridge or a repeat of the chorus would be nice, but it's still really good. 8.5/10
#6
ok man.. let's see how it's improved...

Verse:
It's been so obvious
That you and I just don't connect
Like we did in the past

Better than last time, I can detect a flow to it, and it doesn't seem to sound bad to me in my head.

Remembering the times
When I just wanted to make you smile
Things just aren't the way they were before

Much better than the last versions verse... I like how you kept the idea and edited it to make it sound better..

Chorus:
And now I'm running out of things to say
And now I'm running out of things to do
And I'm sorry if this breaks your heart
But it's obvious were better of apart

You kept the first three lines, they seem fine, and you fixed the main problem by changing the last two into one line... it does sound much better to me now, and it fits in well.

Verse:
It's been so obvious
The way you look at me
like I'm someone else

Nothing wrong with it, express your idea clearly.

Remembering the times
When all I wanted to do
Was spend time with you
I guess things aren't what they appear to be

I like this style of taking the lines of a previous stanza and changing it... it's nice, I like how the 2nd and 3rd part sound in my head..

Overall, I thought this piece has pretty much reached the potential I was talking about earlier. You kept the original thoughts, and changed some of the lines around to make it flow better and a better read on paper. I liked it... keep up the good work.
#7
i liked these i thought they were pretty well written, they had a singable rythym to them good job
8/10

btw, could you crit mine
___________________________________________________________________
My songs:
It's Time
A Decade Later

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture. ~ Jack Handey
Last edited by metallica4727 at Sep 19, 2006,
#10
well the 1st thing that i notice when i read this was that i loved the chorus. i can totally see/hear the flow of it.

i dont get the flow of the verse completely, but there is nothing wrong with it at all

the song is a bit short, but i would love to hear the full version

looks good and complete 8/10
#13
yeah the only thing i think this song needs is maybe a bridge ? other than that its really good . love the chorus . 8/10
#15
"we're better OFF (not of) apart"

the song is kind of cheesey and the subject material is pretty boring to me.

the do/you rhyme was awful.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#16
I really quite like this piece, it flows really well in my head. Nothing too fancy, but then again, that's not always a bad thing. In this case it isn't. Would like to hear how you perceive the melody. 8.5/10
#18
I like it. It's your typical break-up song, but still effective. I like the rhyme and the flow of it the best. It's fine just the way it is.

Oh and if you want to, please review mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep