#1
Ok, so this is a really band song in my opinio, but just to make sure I haven't hit gold. What does everyone else think? C4C

VERSE 1:
Do I dare to love
When only I could lose
I hate to always have to choose

VERSE 2:
My heart aches, it shatters like a mirror
Before I'm gone
The last thing I want to hear...

CHORUS:
Is your voice on the speaker
Your words on the paper
Your eyes looking down on me

If only you knew
What I would go through
For you! ...

VERSE 3:
I want you, I need you
I just want to please you
I need you to be with me

SOLO

VERSE 4:
I'll never forget you
Someday soon I'll see you
Again...

CHORUS:
Because I hear your voice on the speaker
Your words on the paper
And your eyes looking down on me

If only you knew
What I would go through
For you!
#2
This seems like it would go well as a kind of.. punk rockish song? It sounds like you've got the music figured out in your head.. the ONLY thing I would definately change is in the 2nd verse.. "My heart aches, it shatters like a mirror" I just saw the shatters like a mirror WAY out of rhythm and its VERY unoriginal.. just seemed like it didnt fit.. try to change it up a lil.. other than that I enjoyed it.. crit mine? Its in my sig.. "Regret"
#3
you haven't hit gold.
come and join the youth and beauty brigade

#5 member of the club that isn't terribly prejudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
#4
and system of a down sucks the ****, well at least their new **** does, or most of it anyway. Thanks for the crit too.
#5
My main crit would be the 3rd verse, it's rather cliche as well as doesn't flow right. Other than that, it seems like it would make a decent song.
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#6
awlfully short versus, Im thinking combine verse 1 & 2 together to make up the 1st verse and 3 & 4 for the 2nd verse...write yourself a bridge to throw in front of the chorus, I like the lyrics....nice job....Can you guys n gals check out "Strongest Man Alive" and let me know what you think.
#7
Quote by MilichichiBass
and system of a down sucks the ****, well at least their new **** does, or most of it anyway. Thanks for the crit too.

Oh dear, I'm very sorry I didn't critique your piece, but you said you wanted to make sure you didn't hit gold, and I was affirming that. So, really, I satisfied a part of your thread's purpose. And I don't like System of a Down either. If you look just below my name you'll find I joined, and created my screen-name, 3 years ago. During that time my musical taste has changed, but my name cannot. Also, regardless of how much you think my musical taste sucks, it doesn't make your lyrics suck less. So let's all be mature and write better lyrics next time to avoid this whole mess.
come and join the youth and beauty brigade

#5 member of the club that isn't terribly prejudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
#8
kinda punk rock blink 182 type umm try rewording a little for rythm thats it
#10
its allright. i don't really like the style but thats just my po. if anything make it longer and talk about her not u.
#11
its a little short... my main crit, is what are you talking about? you never explain it.. a song either has to leave you thinking, or you get it completely. Your song is in the middle. More so a love song like this, it you want it to be a love epic you need to desribe your love, and bring out the passion of what you are saying. It would work well with a pop punk song, with lots of insturmental breaks...maybe even a little monloge..

good though.
#12
thank you all for the crits, but I myself think this sucks, but I'm glad others think it is halfway decent, but IDK why. Thanks again.