#1
Is the title reminding you of panic! at the disco?

Anyways... This is my second song I've written. It's very short and the idea is kinda lame but it's actually really catchy to listen to.

We got a divorce, I gotta pay child support,
While I ain't no money for ****,
I've been evicted, beat up and mistreated,
And I'm missing my life just a bit.

Can't you see,
What you have stolen from me,
In three easy payments of 595,
My whole life is history.

<Middle section> (Screaming until end of section)

Can't you see,
What you have stolen from me,
In three easy payments of 595,
My whole life is history.

crit 4 crit?
#2
I had to crit this because i hate seeing something like 1000 views and not one crit...if you take the time to look at it crit the thing people! COME ON!!!! Anyways...yeh the idea is pretty lame BUT if you some how think of some hidden meaning to fit behind this it would instantly make it way better. You could maybe do this by adding in another verse which could allude some meaning and editing the others a bit to do the same...its the first time iv'e suggested something like this, and i realise its quite hard, but if you make it work, especially with that screaming bit, it could be rather awsome. If you do change it PM me or something to let me know, it has potential.
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#3
i was hoping for something cleverly done about welfare... but that's not at all what i got.

The lyrics were bland. and the title didn't remind me of panic at all.

I think you failed to actualyl caputre the emotions of having to pay child support, and i kind of got the impression it was kind of mocking /joking about it. and also it should read. I ain't got not money. you left out a word up there.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
ya i kinda got the impression this was a mocking bit as well, not sure but are we to feel sorry cuz this guy doesnt want to pay....not really workin for me. Add a little more to it...needs a hook