#1
So... I posted this once before.. It got some good replies... But I've revised it, and now I like the flow just a bit better. I dont like Eternal Eclipse so much, probly cause I wrote it and havent edited it, but, its the prequel to Regret, so i'll post it. Its supposed to be doom-ish (My Dying Bride anyone?) but with a different lyrical style. Maybe I dont like it cause its more repetitive than regret.. idk.

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Eternal Eclipse

The sun dies now
In an eternal eclipse

Forced into darkness,
the sky goes black.
I've never been fearless,
And now is a time when I turn my back.

An orb of shadow fills the sky,
a pale white outline,
the remnants of light,
as mist fills my sight.

The sun dies now,
in an eternal eclipse,
casting the world in darkness,
and drowning my soul.

Interlude... (Clean/Classical)

Help me leave this...
I need an escape,
but I look at you,
and just know,
you'll do nothing.

The mist thickens,
and I see ruby eyes in the shadows.
As snow begins to fall,
the wolves appear.

The sun dies now,
in an eternal eclipse,
casting the world in darkness,
and drowning my soul.
An orb of shadow fills the sky,
a pale white outline,
the remnants of light,
as mist fills my sight.

Solo

I fall to my knees,
bloodied and freezing.
Burning in my regret,
I cry out to you,
even though I despise you.

Out-solo (Think of The Funeral Portrait)


Regret/Cry My Name

Fading?
You?re fading further to the darkness of night.
From the moor you cry my name,
regretfully turning to me.

I should pay you back for what you've done
but it pains me to stand idly by,
and watch you die.
My heart fills with regret,
I'm growing cold,
but I bet you?re colder.

My emotions veiled by a mask of flesh,
I cry.
Our hate means nothing as I watch you die.
Snow continues to fall, building up on your brow
As your face grows pale blue

A trickle of blood runs from your mouth
Your heart slows further, to a crawl
And you cry my name,
Frantically praying for an escape.

Solo

Your fingers grow numb
Your becoming pale

Bass solo

I watch you fall
Fall to your knees
As you lose your hope

You've no idea
The pain I'm in

Fading
You?re fading further to the darkness of night.
From the moor you cry my name,
regretfully turning to me.

Night falls again
taking what?s left of you.
The glare of the waning moon beats down on your shivering corpse
as I turn my back and walk away.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Sep 18, 2006,
#2
First of all, thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. In my opinion, this was a very good piece. You had a solid theme here and executed it well. Nice job. It was all very well written, but the ending stanza was just beautiful. Keep up the good work.
#3
Thank you. I had the same opinion of yours.

I like the last stanza too.

Anyone else?
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#4
Edited. I added the prequel. Eternal Eclipse.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#5
Forced into darkness,
the sky goes black.
I've never been fearless,
And now is a time when I turn my back.

if i were you i wouldnt use darkness in this part... find another word.. darkness is so overrated

An orb of shadow fills the sky,
a pale white outline,
the remnants of light,
as mist fills my sight.

love this part

Help me leave this...
I need an escape,
but I look at you,
and just know,
you'll do nothing.
really didnt like this part... its way too cliche...

I fall to my knees,
bloodied and freezing.
Burning in my regret,
I cry out to you,
even though I despise you.

this part is also a bit cliche....

i think overal it was good but you need to really work on using words that arent so cliche... if you do so it makes your piece special and different.... but like i said overal it was oke.. keep up the good work..
Boo!
#6
I know........Its my downfall pretty much. That and rhymes.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#7
Cliches aren't always bad, just unoriginal. But nice piece. This song sounds epic. I love how you've written it. You seem to have a poetic spirit. Cool stuff. The only thing I can suggest to you is if you perceive yourself as a lousy one at rhyming, try and try again.
#8
Yeah, thanks all, I jsut want my other piece to get crits now.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#9
Quote by Burning_Angel


Night falls again
taking what?s left of you.


Isn't this lifted straight out of an Opeth song?! Bleak if I remember rightly?

You're clearly a talented lyricist but the second song is just far too Opethy, like that part about the moor seems oddly familiar, and "fading further into the darkness of night" is eerily similar to Bleak again.

Other than that, the first song is pretty good, would make a good doom choon
#10
Pretty nice, I can get a lot of feeling from this. I just would change "The sun dies now" for "The sun is dying", it sounds better.

Dudde