#1
That Bastard With The Trilby Hat

?Betrayal is something you should never come across unless you?re stupid enough to trust that bastard with the trilby hat.?

Honestly standing for the 109 from Glasgow, the palms of my hands sulked inside my trench coat pockets, staining one the ticket and the inner pocket lying there beside them. I had no idea it would be this warm around these parts, although the tramp in the corner seemed far from content in his scuffed up sleeping bag.

"Just a wee bit of regret may have entered my system at that point, just a bit of doubt, but it?s funny how far promises can go."

I find myself, randomly musing at my own stubbornness for I should know that he isn?t that stupid. But a genius + a genius = an idiot sometimes. The piss stench ridden platform is hardly the place to exercise my mind I conclude, so, reluctantly, I follow the orders of the conductor and stumble my way onto the carriage.

"I think too much, I sleep too little, I think too much, I drink too little."

From one shitty platform to another, I feel like throwing up on that man?s boots, even curling up in that tramp?s scuffed up sleeping bag; even though that man is wearing a blood stained trilby hat.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Sep 21, 2006,
#2
Well I really don't know how to crit this...it seems so complete, finished, like every words were it's meant to be. It feels like the first page of a novel, one I would continue reading. Mazeltov. lolll
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#4
I shall tentatively stick my neck out and say it was one of your better pieces. It would be better if this were to be a short story rather than a novel; I don't think you could stretch this idea too much and add much in the way of a storyline anyway to it. The second paragraph was very relatable, as were most of them come to think of it, but that one stuck in my mind more.

But a genius + a genius = an idiot sometimes

Spell all that out. If it were to be spoken, then fair enough, but as a piece of writing, you should spell everything out. May I ask as to why the first paragraph is quoted, or from where? It just seemed strange to have that there.

Anyways, yeah, one of your better pieces in my opinion. Hopefully I've updated my sig for my last song. If not it's called, umm, shit. Something to do with...Bucephalus. That's the one. I don't believe you commented on that one. If you have, then ignore this, but if you haven't, some advice would be welcomed.
#6
Very good ballad. I liked it alot, good use of imagery. It would make a good book, and even better song.
#7
- Well if you must know it's a quotation from the character, in the future, like the other paragraphs in between are. Thanks for ze input.

- Ok.

- Thank you.
#8
Apologies for not having crit this yet. I will do it, soon as I can.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
Not bad at all.

As a quotation from a character its great - but I figure it'd be suitable for a "parklife"-like song too. Its just one of those pieces

But a genius + a genius = an idiot sometimes.


That was great.
#11
That Bastard With The Trilby Hat

?Betrayal is something you should never come across unless you?re stupid enough to trust that bastard with the trilby hat.?

I like this idea of the future-voice sort of thing as the opening, it can provide a good basis for a piece. Good opening.

Honestly standing for the 109 from Glasgow, the palms of my hands sulked inside my trench coat pocket, staining the ticket lying there beside it. I had no idea it would be this warm around these parts, although the tramp in the corner seemed far from content in his scuffed up sleeping bag.

Good imagery, it's nice to see a newer sort of writing style from you, it feels much more relatable, for me, anyway. I really like this, you manage to get the situation over relatively well to the reader. Although "these parts" sounds slightly out of place, it sounds just a bit older fashioned then the rest, I think. But I'm just being picky :P

Just a wee bit of regret may have entered my system at that point, just a bit of doubt, but it?s funny how far promises can go.

I'd like to see more quotation marks to make it clear it's still this future voice. Good stuff.

I find myself, randomly musing at my own stubbornness for I should know that he isn?t that stupid. But a genius + a genius = an idiot sometimes. The piss stench ridden platform was hardly the place to exercise my mind I conclude, so, reluctantly, I follow the orders of the conductor and stumble my way onto the carriage.

Good, but not quite as good, for me. I mean, the genius line was good stuff, to me it just felt a bit, I dunno. Ha, not greatly helpful, but there was something about the second half of this stanza that just didn't bring anything to the piece, in my opinion.

I think too much, I sleep too little, I think too much, I drink too little.

Interesting. Adds another edge to this, and what I think is a bit of the usual you, probably some deeper meaning.

From one shitty platform to another, I feel like throwing up on that man?s boots, even curling up in that tramp?s scuffed up sleeping bag; even though that man is wearing a blood stained trilby hat.

For me the cursing here seems poorly put in, it just doesn't really add too much because you don't keep up that angrier tone for the whole stanza.


Yes, nice new direction, overall I enjoyed it.

I don't have anything up at the moment, if you could keep an eye out for anything new when I do, that'd be great.

Jamie
#12
I liked it. Couple things I noticed. The "Honestly" seems a bit misplaced. That whole sentence is kind of awkward. Also, you put both hands in one pocket? That's quite the achievement. And I liked the use of "****ty." Sometimes "cursing" bludgeons the reader with impression where another "safer" word may have just tapped them gently on the shoulder. If you do go short story with it, I'd explore a bit more why the idea of betrayal is relevant (you only seemed to allude to it one other time), and why the trilby hat is relevant. Sometime I'll have to post one of my random musings for you guys to tear into. I know, I know...it's so unfair
Hi, I'm Peter
#14
Beautifully redundant. You used colloquialism to great effect, and conjured up great images; I could virtually see your narrative played like a film short.

"Genius + genius = an idiot sometimes" - great wit. A very witty piece throughout. I love this style and you have it nailed here.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#16
(Hey, thanx 4 crit on mine earlier)
So you got a couple full crits from people that probably have more critting ability, and credibility, than me. But what ill say i i really enjoyed reading it and it would be an amazing beggining to a short story. And yeah everithing was very well written and told... I slightly disliked that one line stanza "i think too much..." I know u used repetition on purpose but it didnt work here for me. It just didnt sound right. Nothing else to say. its really good, though
#18
I can't shake the feeling that this should be like an intro to a book or something. It's very well written and I don't think making it a song would work, mainly because I don't see a rhyme scheme with this (Unless its free verse than by all means try it). Good imagery to it. Keep on writing!
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#20
?Betrayal is something you should never come across unless you?re stupid enough to trust that bastard with the trilby hat.?
This quotation is a bit clumsy to be honest. However, I do think it?s the lack of punctuation rather than anything else. It?s a nice opening, perhaps a tad pretentious.

Honestly standing for the 109 from Glasgow, the palms of my hands sulked inside my trench coat pockets, staining one the ticket and the inner pocket lying there beside them. I had no idea it would be this warm around these parts, although the tramp in the corner seemed far from content in his scuffed up sleeping bag.
I?m assuming by 109 you mean a train, but ?standing for? is a bit of a problematic sentence I believe. ?Staining one the ticket and the inner?? is also weird phrasing. I like the depicted scene which followed but the wording was so not as consistent as the language throughout the piece .

"Just a wee bit of regret may have entered my system at that point, just a bit of doubt, but it?s funny how far promises can go."
?May have entered? is odd in my opinion. Either you regret or you don?t, the use of ?may? is not appropriate in my opinion.

I find myself, randomly musing at my own stubbornness for I should know that he isn?t that stupid. But a genius + a genius = an idiot sometimes. The piss stench ridden platform is hardly the place to exercise my mind I conclude, so, reluctantly, I follow the orders of the conductor and stumble my way onto the carriage.
You are using strange phrasing here as well; ?The piss stench ridden platform? is not something anyone would say ever. It?s heavy on the tongue and sounds awkward. I think ?piss? is redundant anyway. The next sentence is also a puzzling one ? ?stumble my way?. It is possible to say it this way, I?m sure, but again, I doubt anyone would phrase it this way. ?My way? is again, redundant for me.

"I think too much, I sleep too little, I think too much, I drink too little."
This is a nice little sentence, but as a quote, it would have seemed more natural as: ?I think too much AND sleep too little; I think too much, I drink to little.? Just a little change and it actually sounds like someone might actually say it.

From one ****ty platform to another, I feel like throwing up on that man?s boots, even curling up in that tramp?s scuffed up sleeping bag; even though that man is wearing a blood stained trilby hat.
I actually thought this ending was quite well written. Apart from ?that tramp?s? which I think should be ?the tramp?s? since we are already familiar with the character.

This was a nice narrative; you had a very good idea behind it. Just work on the consistency of the language and the phrasing/punctuation and I think you do have something that can be developed into a full story.

I apologise for taking so long to get to this, you know ? life.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#21
It was nice. I have no idea what a tribly hat is though. It seems like you almot went into too much detail at times. but i did enjoy reading it, and the genius + a genius = and idiot sometiems line i thought was very nice a great touch. This is a very poor crit considering the one you gave me so i apologize, and i'll crit the next piece i read by you much beter.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#22
Very many thanks to you carmel, very insightful and helpful as usual, and to you as well further.

I'm actually half way into writing my short story so maybe i'll put that up soon, who knows