#1
These are my first and only lyrics. I'm a lead guitarist, not a vocalist. Anyways.. Here it is, all critisism is appreciated.


Terror Beach

Intro

Guitar Solo

Verse
Earlier on that cold dark night
As the clock struck four
The boats prepared for launch
While you prepared for war
A sweeping fear passed you by
You were pinned by a thousand knives
Because it's Juno beach
Where your fate lies

Chorus
As you lay open wounded
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife

Verse
The boats approched the shore
Time was of the essence
You were ready unlike before
With your soul in evanescence
The boat door slowly unfolded
Bullets scattered killing the few
Unlucky enough to be barricaded
Never have you seen such a vieu

Chorus
As you lay open wounded
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife

Interlude
Holding your head up high
You take your first steps
Fighting for peace and freedom
Because it's Juno beach
Where your fate lies

Guitar Solo

Chorus
Open wounded, as you lay
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife
#3
The idea of this song is really good and it is well written so I'll give it a 7.5/10
crit mine if you like it's called ''it's obvious''
#4
Very good for first lyrics. D-day, that's what it reminded me of, maybe it's because i watch Saving Private Ryan and other war films too much but anyway.

So yes, a good use of the standard skills even if it was a tiny bit cliched in parts. All that kinda stuff sorts itself out in time.

I wouldn't say it is an outstanding piece, but it certainly is a big step towards the light, so congratulations.

A look on my latest, in my sig would be appreciated, thank you.
#5
Haha.. That's because it is D-Day. Juno beach was the beach attacked by the Canadiens. Im Canadien, so I thought I'd pick a patriotic topic to start things off. Thanks for the crits, I'll defitnitly crit all of yours.
#6
I like this.

Quote by MetalUpUrAss
These are my first and only lyrics. I'm a lead guitarist, not a vocalist. Anyways.. Here it is, all critisism is appreciated.


Terror Beach

Intro

Guitar Solo

Verse
Earlier on that cold dark night
As the clock struck four
The boats prepared for launch
While you prepared for war
A sweeping fear passed you by
You were pinned by a thousand knives
Because it's Juno beach
Where your fate lies
I love the first four lines and the last two. The two between that I'm not crazy about (A sweeping~thousand knives), they just stick out as being odd to me. I think from the get go the piece is dark, even though there isn't anything that really gives it a dark mood. Maybe just the mention of war and a cold dark night. Cliche, maybe? But it works for me.

Chorus
As you lay open wounded
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife
I really like this chorus. I can't suggest any changes .. it's just great.

Verse
The boats approched the shore
Time was of the essence
You were ready unlike before
With your soul in evanescence
The boat door slowly unfolded
Bullets scattered killing the few
Unlucky enough to be barricaded
Never have you seen such a vieu
I dunno about this verse, it's not as good as the first. I think there are too many cliches - "Time is of the essence," the view thing. I'm not sure what to suggest. More dramatic, keep it as dark as the first verse. Even though this verse has more "bad" things happening in it it's just not as dark.

Chorus
As you lay open wounded
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife

Interlude
Holding your head up high
You take your first steps
Fighting for peace and freedom
Because it's Juno beach
Where your fate lies
This is decent.

Guitar Solo

Chorus
Open wounded, as you lay
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife


I can really imagine playing this as a folk song on a 12 string. A tune similar to Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" is knocking around in my head right now, a little slower though. Overall I like this piece. There are definitely parts that can be fixed, but for your first foray into the songwriting world I think its pretty nice.

If you have time give my lyrics a critique. Link is in my signature. Thanks
#7
Badass! I really like this one...

BTW, I think a concept album based on WWII would kick ass.
#8
Quote by MetalUpUrAss
Haha.. That's because it is D-Day.

I know it is, that was the point; to show you pulled it off right
#9
I like it I agree with Faux,very Maiden like. Im hearing a high pitch tempo while reading this (kinda like in the movie Psycho when the knife is stabbing)great work specially for your first song.....And by the way, you dont need to be a vocalist to be able to write a song,Jimmy Page pretty much wrote everything and Plant more less just sang it. Im a canuckle head too...if you like to crit mine titled "Strongest Man Alive" I would apreciate it.
Last edited by LaLaLaLoopy at Sep 19, 2006,
#10
its alot like iron maiden, like the above posts are saying. i like how you used Juno beachm, real places are always good in songs especially when they have some significane (like the river aras in some s.o.a.d.)

As you lay open wounded
In the battle for your life
The few last moments you pray
In thought of your wife

^^^this bit was good, i like how you write about it in the third person. i'm also a lead guitarist, not a vocalist btw.. great so see a ong about war, there need to be more political-type songs. good on you, and very well done. i liked it alot.

now, if you have the time.. please crit this: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6859718#post6859718
#11
Same comment as everybody else: Sounds like an Iron Maiden song. Would make a good metal song.

Whats original is the fact that you chose Juno beach instead of Omaha