#1
crit4crit

A DEVIL SO HOLY

You were made in Hell,
But surely you are Heaven sent.
And I'll let you feast on my fruit
Until all the nectar is spent.

Kisses scar my flesh.
Sheets become blood-soaked.
Your angelic body lacks a pulse,
But my heart beats for us both.

This rapturous spirit
Is all I have to give.
Although you drain my life,
You are the reason I live.

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love

Tears flow from soulless eyes
As they utter blasphemies,
While your self mirror
Reflects a monstrosity

Don't you let that saltwater
Contaminate your pores.
Goddess of the deathless dream
I swear my life is yours.

Forever, I bow down
To a devil so holy.
I promise the flames of love
Will burn me eternally.

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 5, 2006,
#2
Holy crap. Very Impressive.

I cant really crit anything... Maybe a rhyme here and there would help it flow even better...

And, I didnt really like the repitition of "Now and forever" but it didnt take away from the song.


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#3
Just the title of the song and the whole idea of the lyrics made me only read like a verse and think.

This kid has problems.
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#4
You definitely listen to too much Mars Volta

Glad I got that off my chest...

I'm not sure whether you're aiming for a mars-volta type of lyrics, but if thats the case, then you'd need to lose most semblance of structure, and give your piece a much bigger dose of cryptic lyrics
#5
You were made in Hell
But surely you are Heaven sent
And I?ll let you feast on my fruit
Until all the nectar is spent

ok... i'll say "cool" just becouse i love contradictions like this. 3rd line and 4th seemed a little wierd. 4th seemed forced, but decent stanza,

Kisses scar my flesh
Sheets become blood-soaked
Your angelic body lacks a pulse
But my heart beats for us both

again... kisses that scar, love that. also the rest of this stanza is amazing.

This tainted plasma
Is all I have to give
Though you drain my life
You are the reason I live
by tainted plasma you mean blood? ooh, dont know if i like that first line, the rest is really good. Is this about a girl, as in were u thinking of one when you wrote it, if so, really cool, kinda creepy, but its pretty tight so far

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever
first 3 were lower than the rest of this piece, not out of place, just not as good. last 3 were good.

Tears flow from soulless eyes
Saying you should not be
And your self mirror
Reflects you as monstrosity
this is not as good as previous stanzas, feels forced in the rhyme

Don?t you let that saltwater
Contaminate your pale pores
Goddess of the deathless dream
I swear my life is yours
loved the internal rhyme in line 3. and... pale pores?????

Forever I bow down
To a devil so holy
I promise the flames of love
Will burn me eternally
woah, ok... cool. Ill come back to this at the end of the crit

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever
ok, chorus, already critted. hey thanx for crit on mine, i bring it up right in the middle cause i noticed the structure and the rhyme scheme in verse is the same (ABCB and V V V C V V V C) not saying you copied or anything, its not original anyways, just noticed the coincidence. oh i noticed dome flo issues, thats what i said id get back to. cause it was really bad in that one. I went back to other ones and it is off, unless im reading it really wrong or something. so go back and make sure its on beat. thats it.
#6
great! i loved it! very well worded, flow worked for me, emotional enough and great imagery! id say 8.5/10 thx 4 the crit on mine.
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#7
You were made in Hell
But surely you are Heaven sent
And I?ll let you feast on my fruit
Until all the nectar is spent

I love the entire first two llines because just reading them they are perfect.
The raw sexuality in lins 3 and 4 is absolutely fantastic.

Kisses scar my flesh
Sheets become blood-soaked
Your angelic body lacks a pulse
But my heart beats for us both

I really like the death and pain images here. It is very dark and serenading at the same time.

This desecrated blood
Is all I have to give
Though you drain my life
You are the reason I live

I dont like the Line "This desecrated blood" because I dont feel it works too well I have a suggestion for that line "this pitiful(sp?) life.
The last 3 lines work well together

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever

Just take away the Now and forever at the end here

Tears flow from soulless eyes
As they utter blasphemies
And your self mirror
Reflects a monstrosity

I like this for no particular reason I just think it is good

Don?t you let that saltwater
Contaminate your pores
Goddess of the deathless dream
I swear my life is yours

I love how you pledge your life here as if it may actually be needed to save her life

Forever I bow down
To a devil so holy
I promise the flames of love
Will burn me eternally

Love it just Love it

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever

keep the now and forever at the end here but get rid of it in the first chorus.

I liked it alot I am not sure how it is to be sung but it was good

Crit 4 crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=453615
#8
I was going to do a full crit on it, but some have done it already. So, just some advice...

Perfect except for this:

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever

But pretty good at all.

Dudde
#9
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

A DEVIL SO HOLY

You were made in Hell
But surely you are Heaven sent
And I?ll let you feast on my fruit
Until all the nectar is spent

Punctuate. Helps to maintain and control flow. I won't mention that again :P

Good allusion to the Garden of Eden- seems like you are trying to say the Devil was created and raised by God in the garden- very nicely done. Good stuff- maybe a stronger word other than "feast" seems more suitable to the devil.


Kisses scar my flesh
Sheets become blood-soaked
Your angelic body lacks a pulse
But my heart beats for us both

Again, I liked your meaning here. You're a writer than I like to red into just to find the meaning- you don't overcomplicate it, but you are slightly subtle about it. Bit of an off-flow to the first two lines here. I'd like something other than "angelic body", show don't tell :P

This desecrated blood
Is all I have to give
Though you drain my life
You are the reason I live

"Reason THAT I live" would flow nicer, but te flow needs rectifying in line 3, I feel. Would like to see some contrast, some sort of differenc (speech marks, colours) to signify the change of perspective which I belive has happened here.

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever

"now and forever" is a bit cliche and I felt you brought nothing new to it here. 2endless love" I dislike aswell. Nice ideas still though. Good, haunting imagery.

Tears flow from soulless eyes
As they utter blasphemies
And your self mirror
Reflects a monstrosity

This stanza reads slightly off, alot doesn't sound nice when read together, specially L2 + 3.

Don?t you let that saltwater
Contaminate your pores
Goddess of the deathless dream
I swear my life is yours

I like.

Forever I bow down
To a devil so holy
I promise the flames of love
Will burn me eternally

Here I just don't like the flow, it's not that its ba dI just dislike it, it's where I thin kpunctuation could come in handy.

Now and forever
We serenade each other
In a perfect tongue
Beautifully chanting
Of an endless love
Now and forever

See above.

Once more I'm impressed by you. Keep it going, and do you have a name? I can't be bothered to type out your screename each time


Jamie
#11
Wow... O.O

Very nice TMV. I'm impressed... Although, I do agree with the "This desecrated blood" line being changed... You might lose a bit of the fans than are not totally hard-core into your style... The reason I am saying this is even though I am not a big fan of the "dark-cryptic" music/lyrics, they blew me away when I read them.

Keep up the good work.