#1
I didn't know about this section of the forum...cool! Here's a new song song...old lyrics though.

the first

That was the last flower he ever got from me
Come to think of it it was the first too
Pulled out the ground for a heros last farewell
A fitting piece like the man playing drums on the corner
The sound is deafening so people bear to watch
Can't somebody just holler or SHOUT
I remember seeing something as frightening as this
When I was a boy of just ten years old
I grew up fast...At least in seeing the horrors of life
And I decided that I didn't like it much
I'd rather spend my days just thinking of ways for...
For me to keep things from getting underneath my skin
I lost the war but I won a couple of battles along the way
Even though I got this scar I can forget then laugh and laugh all day

2x empty

Being last isn't so bad if the line is what you're there for
Can't you see I'm driving spikes into this railroad
One at a time, I ain't no John Henry you see
I am sweating in the sun and it isn't very fun
Maybe if you joined me we could enjoy ourselves
Hard labor is the last thing I'd ever want to do
Come to think of it it was the first too
#2
I like it for one, seemed almost like your trying to say to things instead of one here. You probably are but I don't get it. I like the first two lines, it's a good way to start of something of this caliber. It appears to be more of a poem than a song but I'm assuming that's how it's supposed to be. God, I just love the way you can put words together, very imaginative, very simple (I think), and very intense. I have a new found sense of respect for you. 9/10. Crit mine? Links in me sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#3
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I like it for one, seemed almost like your trying to say to things instead of one here. You probably are but I don't get it. I like the first two lines, it's a good way to start of something of this caliber. It appears to be more of a poem than a song but I'm assuming that's how it's supposed to be. God, I just love the way you can put words together, very imaginative, very simple (I think), and very intense. I have a new found sense of respect for you. 9/10. Crit mine? Links in me sig.


Thanks a lot for that detailed review. It's not so much trying to say two things as it is a more broad and general idea. I don't really write poetry, I just didn't care to rhyme on this one, it kind of restricts what you want to say sometimes. Sometimes if you wanna rhyme you can look back and change phrases and words with the meaning you want in mind to rhyme. Stuff like that. It is definitely simple, I don't write complex stuff, I don't have complex ideas most of the time. I did give you some advice on the thread you linked to in your sig. So check it out. Thanks again.