#1
I just have a random thought to voice to you
Let me hear back if you can speak:
"Your slender neck is looking so, so pretty
Pretty easy to strangle, that is
This air we breath is so overrated
I've got a sea of possiblities to explore with you
Quite literally. Let's take a drive.
Not to the wild side, but to the quiet side
Options to speak? Not really up to you, my dear.
But ten bucks says you'll forget in an hour
Traffic permitting, roughly averaged.
(From previous experiences, of course)


I'll be those last hopeful beeps on your EKG, baby. I'll be the last sounds of your life, and the first sounds of your death. That last, quick heartbeat, and the everlasting pitch, resounding on the mossy walls of a black-clad hospital."


Wanna make love?
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#2
I love it. I like all your pieces. Definately digging the part in the red. Keep it up.
Quote by aluminum.maiden
you are a BEAST Crovox
Quote by UndeadPaperclip
I think I've gained so many gay points reading the past 3 pages of this thread that if I gave another man a blowjob I'd actually lose some.
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#3
"Your slender neck is looking so, so pretty
Pretty easy to strangle, that is"

haha...wow

Options to speak? Not really up to you, my dear.
But ten bucks says you'll forget in an hour

clever g
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#4
Thanks for the comments. I've been away, I'll repay.
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#5


I just have a random thought to voice to you
This line seems to wordy to begin the piece, take out "just" and maybe change the second "to" to "at" then it'll sound better.
Let me hear back if you can speak:
"Your slender neck is looking so, so pretty
Pretty easy to strangle, that is
Very alk3, almost too much for me, I love them, and so nothing comes close to them.
This air we breath is so overrated
I've got a sea of possiblities to explore with you
Quite literally. Let's take a drive.
I think the "quite literally" should be on a single line, for more impact.
Not to the wild side, but to the quiet side
Theres no need for the second "side" here, put "over" after the "but" and then it'll be fine. It sounds amaturish with the double "side". sorry to be harsh :/
Options to speak? Not really up to you, my dear.
But ten bucks says you'll forget in an hour
Traffic permitting, roughly averaged.
(From previous experiences, of course)


This became very quirky towards the end, I like. It might be worth spliting the "side" line into two seperate lines. Again for effect.

I'll be those last hopeful beeps on your EKG, baby. I'll be the last sounds of your life, and the first sounds of your death. That last, quick heartbeat, and the everlasting pitch, resounding on the mossy walls of a black-clad hospital."

Cut the "baby" Also I feel you've used "last" too many times. I'm not too sure about the "last/first" part either, sounds very contrived, a lessens the impact you could make with such a powerful subject, such as death. Only at the end do we get some sort of concrete imagery too.


Wanna make love?

Yeah nice ending, actually, I might have began it with "so.. wanna..." to counteract the assertiveness of the previous stanza. Just a thought.

Overall this was different, and I feel with some tweaks it could be far better. This piece anchors on structure, and you have to an extent played with that, but try and work it on a line-by-line basis aswell as stanza-by-stanza. Isolate lines to single them out, that sort of thing.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Getting to your piece asap hurtwithin...
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for