So... I wrote a poem. It's not a great poem, I don't even think it's a good poem but it's a poem none then less.
The person I wrote it for loves it, and that it was really matters to me, but I do value the opinion of my fellow UG'ers so tell me what you think. I'll edit and punctuate when i get a chance.
Crit for crit and all that..

Tell me what is so bad about the night
After the sun is cremated
In her own scorching inferno
And abandons the
Unworthy stars
That then take her place
And hide the ash
And the remaining
Disguising themselves
As jewels,
As creditable beings

Tell me what is so bad about the night
When there
Is time to think
And reflect
On past burials
Of suns
And moons
And love
When you can take just a second
To breath
And look at the gloom
Surrounding you
The almost suffocating sheet of black
That takes hold when
Your eyes are closed
So keep them open
Keep looking, it?s easier

Tell me what is so bad about the night
When you are stranded,
Cut off and alone
Far away
From where you began
And where it is
That you wish
To lay
The very place where
Your heart once was
Until fate
Took hold
And threw it
Across the kingdom

Don?t tell me what is so bad about the night
For I think
That now,
I almost
Could understand
Don't make your lines so short, like only two words. It sets for a really choppy rhythm that makes me stop after the first stanza. It's annoying to keep going. Fix up the rhythm then I'll point out anything else. Some imagery is nice, but most of what I read sounds like you're trying to sound cool or pretty, which isn't a good thing.