#1
And I'm back after a 10month hiatus.

There's probably a lot of people around here that don't remember me or any of my pieces - so i'll introduce myself to them now.

Anyway, to those of you not very familiar with my style, I tend to use no structure or meter whatsoever, plenty of surrealism - basically a lot like Frank Zappa's more experimental lyrics.

Here goes:


And besides -
They demand to know
Whether you're of the masculine or feminine sort:

"Tell them i'm neither, Paul! Tell them i'm neither!"


And while they dragged you away for further enquiry,
I stood there thinking: bag of leaves was so down to earth.
Last edited by Pennyroyal Tea at Sep 19, 2006,
#4
Greetings once more, Nick. I'm sure it is Nick, oui?


Yes, I remember your style very well, as it was indeed unusual. You're a fan of a poet called Brautigan (pardon spelling), correct?

This piece was very...strange, I suppose. But I think it can be regarded as an interesting social commentary, kind o' thing, but maybe lacking in any real substance.

Still, an intriguing return, and I'll be keen to see your next one.

Cheers for now, mate.
#6
Thanks you all for your comments.

@ CJW yes, its Nick, the Brautigan fan - but i've also spent my time off being influenced by surrealist painters and belgian beer

Indeed its a social commentary. Its about the grammatical mistake made when asking a person for their gender, instead of their sex. I set the scene in a "spanish inquisition" setting to bring out todays fixation with political correctness and "gender equality".

I know its somewhat short, but at the moment i'm experimenting with highly condensed poems about the little things in life people don't usually write poems about. I enjoy allowing the reader his/her own space to think.
#7
First of all, thanks for the crit. I liked this piece. It was short and sweet. The wording was good and the flow was great. Keep up the good work.
#8
This is very interesting .. in a good unique way, though. The first four lines flow wonderfully together. They just work well. Not to mention, in my opinion, they really "say" something. I can definitely see the topic of "What it means to be male or female," in this piece. I can't intrepret the very last line of the poem; perhaps I'm just slow today or it's possible I just don't understand it. Because of this I don't think I can truly understand the whole work. However, what I see and what I understand from the piece I really like. It's definitely a thought provoker.

Well done.

(And thanks for your critique of mine.)
#9
Thanks for the crit.

I liked yours for the most part. It's quite vague and I can't say I really know what it's about if it is indeed about anything. I honestly can't say anything about it, at all. Weird. It sort of appeals to my little mind, but it pisses me off that I don't know what it's getting at, I really hope it's something.

Therefore this post serves as more of a bump than a comment/crit.

Sorry.
#12
Quote by jamminbass
Thanks for the crit.

I liked yours for the most part. It's quite vague and I can't say I really know what it's about if it is indeed about anything.
I honestly can't say anything about it, at all. Weird. It sort of appeals to my little mind, but it pisses me off that I don't know what it's getting at, I really hope it's something.

Therefore this post serves as more of a bump than a comment/crit.

Sorry.


I don't think he'd write something that didn't mean anything, for the record. Are you the one who told me yesterday that you wanted the writer to comment rather than me? Oh well, tough, cause I did it again. But seriously... He even gave away some of the meaning in his post.
#13
Thanks a lot for the comments ppl.

@ Herr Jones: I agree, the last line is the weakest link in the piece, and i'm thinking of changing it or removing it. The line " Bag of leaves was so down to earth" was a hookline of an advert promoting political awareness i found on the internet.

Its good enough for the role i intended for it in the poem, but doesn't seem to fit - flies off at too much of a tangent.

@ Jamminbass: as Retribution told you, I explained the piece in one of my posts

@ Retribution: many thanks for the flattering comments On a more serious note, condensed social commentary and other related topics are what I seem to have hit upon at the moment. I know it isn't considered good manners to advertise my other works, but i'm also trying to write a novel at the moment, which deals with the ways people in modern society think - so I guess thats all my mind can think about right now
#14
And besides -
They demand to know
Whether you're of the masculine or feminine sort:
This beginning makes no sense. There is no way the words "and besides" will ever fit here. I did like the second and third lines; they had a strong meaning which was very well presented. However, "and besides" what? To me this opening line is very good in certain occasions, but here unfortunately I see no reason for it. How can such a demand be 'beside' anything? I understand that maybe you wanted to give it a casual feeling, as if it is a regular occurrence in our society, but I thought the wording was unfitting this time.

"Tell them I'm neither, Paul! Tell them I'm neither!"

And while they dragged you away for further enquiry,
I stood there thinking: bag of leaves was so down to earth.
Loved the Paul line and the one which followed but did not like the last one. Like someone said before, it is the weak point and unfortunately in such a short narrative - it makes the entire piece weak. However, I'm sure if you made little changes, the reader will better understand the full meaning of the poem/song and this will feel completely different.

I liked this piece, don't get me wrong, but I had to read your comments about what you wrote to warm up towards it.
Perhaps this could have been a bit longer without damaging the simplicity and then you would have a wider canvas to paint your thoughts on thus making it more approachable.


By the way, I appreciate your second post on my piece, I thought you were quite rash with the first one (and that's putting it nicely? )
Thank you.

Carmel
This is not a pipe