#1
Hey guys, a very rare post from me in here.

Not usually a writer but me and a couple friends might be starting something soon so I've started working on music and lyrics. British punk band, so excuse the transatlantic confusion of the word fags.

Steal It Cash It Spend It Drink It

Out of bread but rich in fags
Our days rummage through shopping bags
A content polar opposite of you

Embalmed by my hypocrisy the
Windows of opportunity
I passed without my even glancing through

But it's all right for them
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in

Steal it cash it spend it drink it
Cars, guitars to any old shit
Supplement your struggle with excess

Carve yourself a niche in which
The self destructive rule cause hell the
Only ones who lose are those with sense

A mugs game, nine to five or wake at ten
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
<Dobzilla> because "when you were born, they thought yo' momma shit herself."
<Frehnchy> ...
<esther_mouse> ...
<Rankles> ...
<RaNdOm-FeLiX> ...
<Dobzilla>
#2
you spelled hipocracy wrong
Quote by Rankles
...

Banned.

Beauty Supreme

Yeah you were right about me
Last edited by Guitarist132 at Sep 19, 2006,
#3
...

Banned.
<Dobzilla> because "when you were born, they thought yo' momma shit herself."
<Frehnchy> ...
<esther_mouse> ...
<Rankles> ...
<RaNdOm-FeLiX> ...
<Dobzilla>
#4
Hey guys, a very rare post from me in here.

Not usually a writer but me and a couple friends might be starting something soon so I've started working on music and lyrics. British punk band, so excuse the transatlantic confusion of the word fags.

Steal It Cash It Spend It Drink It

Out of bread but rich in fags
Our days rummage through shopping bags
A content polar opposite of you

I dont really get that line


Embalmed by my hypocrisy the
Windows of opportunity
I passed without my even glancing through

Personally id take out the my so it flows better but thats just my opinion

so "I passed without even glancing through" or maybe even take out the "even" too


But it's all right for them
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in

Steal it cash it spend it drink it
Cars, guitars to any old shit
Supplement your struggle with excess

Carve yourself a niche in which
The self destructive rule cause hell the
Only ones who lose are those with sense

I liked this stanza ^

A mugs game, nine to five or wake at ten
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in

I liked it, i really couldnt come up with much to change/fix at all
Beauty Supreme

Yeah you were right about me
#5
Awesome, the line you didn't understand I'm working on slightly and I could try 'I passed without so much as glancing through' - right syllables and same meaning.
<Dobzilla> because "when you were born, they thought yo' momma shit herself."
<Frehnchy> ...
<esther_mouse> ...
<Rankles> ...
<RaNdOm-FeLiX> ...
<Dobzilla>
#6
this bit

But it's all right for them
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in

and also

A mugs game, nine to five or wake at ten
The month ends and it starts over again
Go ahead complain
Cause nothings gonna change
You try to take me out I'll dive back in
You try to take me out I'll dive back in

were the only parts i was really drawn too, the rest was alright, but needed reworking in my opinion. the ideas were good, i really like the steal it cash it spend it drink it title, imaginative and drew me in....

the repitition in the above bits was nice, i like repitition in songs, but only in amounts..

please, crit for crit if you have the time... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6859718#post6859718
#7
I liked it, flowed well, rhymed well and all that.

Not zomg amazing (but I don't think you were expecting anyone to say it is), bu still a very enjoyable read.

Is this gonna be a punk song, or are you just practicing writing, cos this seems to me to be more suited to somee of your slower, acoustic music.

Only thing I think you should definitely change is this line:

"Cars, guitars to any old ****"

It just grinds me, you know?

Personally, I think you'd be better completely rewriting the whole line.

It seems very ambiguous, are you trying to say that's what you're stealing, or buying?

The way I interpreted it, the word "just" would make more sense than "to"
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
It's can be a contraction and genitive case.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
If you cut down on these costs students won't learn so well, effecting the "quality"...