#1
Havent posted in a while... ill crit for crit, see if you get it.


Church bells chime stories of misery
as they witness another fight lost.
Powerful words lessen to loud pleas
to win no matter what it might cost.

Redundant speeches don?t motivate,
So why doesn?t this fight ever end?
?Cause they win themselves an ovation,
but they?re never remembered again.

As the inaudible cries go on,
ambitious soldiers grow to weak men.
They would blame themselves but they lack
a finger to point; although they have ten.

Think about it.
What are you fighting for?
Does it matter?
What are you living for?

I watched a beautiful little girl
throw her life away, and her love too.
I asked myself, ?What was it for??
To prove something that didn?t need proof?

Then I watched a boy try to save her.
Tragically, neither of them could see.
He, too, fought in wars that meant nothing.
I realized the little boy was me.

I tell myself to be strong enough
to lose these things that never mattered,
strong enough to wait for what does.
Let?s watch another hourglass shatter.

Think about it.
What are you fighting for?
Does it matter?
What are you living for?
#3
the "chorus" reminds me of that part in The Shashenk (however you spell it) Redemption when they are sitting next to the wall and morgan freeman blurts out get busy living, or get busy dying. In other words, I liked it. You got some great lines here, even some pretty good stanza, but it's just too much filler. It almost seems like there are two complete different peices here, although I suppose both could be about the same thing. I'd suggest digging into each one separatly, and really, the middle stanzas i though were the best.

and for the record: To prove something that didn?t need proof
that line was awesome.

mine if you so incline: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=436106
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#4
sure, i'll get to it after school, gottag go now, thanx
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Sep 21, 2006,
#5
"although they have ten."

felt liek you forced that a little bit. I wasn't big on that line at all.

some other rhymes felt forced too. I think that it changes a lot and coul even be a different piece after the first chorus.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
I enjoyed it, though it seems very much about war for my taste; I'm very sick of anti war songs though they may be true. Either way, your song did have a good setting of strong people losing their strength, especially in the first three verses. Good emotion used too. Very strong convicting words used, although I found the three verses following the first chorus (I presume) a little out of place in a way. You write a song about war, and then start suddenly talking about yourself. Though while that does seem a bit out of place the wording was, as ever, strong and provocative. Liked the "wars that meant nothing" line.
#8
All, I can say is wow. I really enjoyed reading this piece. For one, the flow was perfect and I liked the rhyme scheme as well. In my opinion, the first half was better than the second, but they were both great. I thought the wording was very nice and the message behind this piece was solid. Anyways, great job and keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?
A Devil So Holy
#9
Quote by AmplifySilence
Havent posted in a while... ill crit for crit, see if you get it.


Church bells chime stories of misery
as they witness another fight lost.
Powerful words lessen to loud pleas
to win no matter what it might cost.
This was pretty good, nothing really wrong here.
Redundant speeches don?t motivate,
So why doesn?t this fight ever end?
?Cause they win themselves an ovation,
but they?re never remembered again.
This also.
As the inaudible cries go on,
ambitious soldiers grow to weak men.
They would blame themselves but they lack
a finger to point; although they have ten.
This is probably the best stanza of the whole thing, it's just such a cut above the rest it makes me wonder why all of it isn't written like this.
Think about it.
What are you fighting for?
Does it matter?
What are you living for?
Nah... pretty bland really. What are you living for? You're asking the meaning of life there... not good, because no one can answer that; regardless whether your question was rhetorical or not.
I watched a beautiful little girl
throw her life away, and her love too.
I asked myself, ?What was it for??
To prove something that didn?t need proof?

Then I watched a boy try to save her.
Tragically, neither of them could see.
He, too, fought in wars that meant nothing.
I realized the little boy was me.
The two stanzas about really don't work, you know, the whole individual story thing. It really doesn't work out for you, it just sounds... wrong.
I tell myself to be strong enough
to lose these things that never mattered,
strong enough to wait for what does.
Let?s watch another hourglass shatter.
Very poor, the first three lines are, however the last line is ok, but that doesn't make up for the first three.
Think about it.
What are you fighting for?
Does it matter?
What are you living for?


This was mediocre in my opinion, however considerably better than a lot of people's work, so it was ok. Just practice, that's all that is needed.

A look at mine would be greatly appreciated, it's in my sig, thanks.
#10
This one rocks, it is definitely one of the better ones I've seen on here. I love the metaphorical language, makes you think. I like how the whole point and message in the song isn't super obvious, that would ruin it I think. I didn't like one line though, "although they have ten", I think if you revised that without the semi-colon it would sound better. Besides that, the rest totally rocks. I wouldn't change anything else. 9/10

If you feel like it, please crit mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
ok, thanks for all the opinions, one thing i wanna say is it's not about war, i use war to get my point across, but this is definately not an antiwar song, its like if war was a metaphor.
See, what i was trying to do was a view of the "war" and then a kind of zoom in. I wanted to use both war and a love story to get my point across. The point that we should fight, worry about, care about, have passion for, love.... and so on, only what is important and not waste our time with fighting for... things that arent important in our lifes...
But ill look into the suggestions about writing it all like the first 3 stanzas
Oh and its a poem right now but if i happen to think up a riff or something it might become a song
Thanks a lot everyone for the comments...
ill be getting back to yours.