#1
Calm down, breathe -
there?s much to see beyond the veil;
impaled by images that grieve
the loss of grip on vague realities
and the fatalities of our lonely
love affair.

Breathe, breathe in ?
take the sadness deep inside;
control your mind?s desire to indulge in sin,
to reenact the history of what we were
and drink the blurred despair that was our lonely
love affair.
This is not a pipe
Last edited by carmel_l at Sep 19, 2006,
#2
good piece, albeit short, its sweet. Rhymes might make it better, more poetic like.

crit mine please? (its sigged)
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"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#3
fatalaties, a great word, but I think in this case, it's a little miscast as the title to this peice (at least for all the good reasons). I think I get what your trying to say, but it almost seems like your trying a bit too hard to be poetic, weaving in and out of thoughts, and jumping just a bit too much for my liking. It's a short peice, but it still should be rather strong, but then again some points (and the fatalities of our lonely
love affair .. for one) for lack of a better word ... breathe life into the peice. I think it's a fairly decent begining.
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#4
First stanza in terms of meter and rhyme I can find no fault with except for at the end...I think "lonely love affair" maybe runs on too long and screws up the meter and then the rhyme. Maybe just "affair" would suffice? I dunno. But that's my one and only gripe with the first stanza. It's good. The comma and hyphen are well-placed. Through your descriptions (impaled by images , loss of grip, etc) you do a good job of kind of making materialise those abstract things such as the grief and the disillusionment.

Second stanza, no problem with metering, rhyming. Around the fourth line it could maybe flow better, maybe including 'reenact' makes it an awkward mouthful. On the whole it's all great. The first and particularly the second line, they...kind of disturb me, to read. There's something pretty potent in them. The content's all quite incisive, maybe poignant's the word. You mentioned about 'liking' the theme, kind of...well I think the greatest thing you can achieve with a poem like this is to kind of convey or propagate the feelings which it deals with to the reader. And if I'm not sorely mistaken they are not supposed to be entirely 'likeable' feelings. So, yeah, this is well written. You've hit upon several...phrases, I guess, that, IDK, lie near the bone or something. The point is, this poem; it speaks, loudly and clearly. That much is something to be satisfied about. What it speaks of is a less pleasant matter entirely. And as an aside, I just want to say that in outlook I disagree. These 'fatalities' are rather casualties; they grow back

Great, stimulating stuff. I like.
Ro.
#5
First of all i'd like to apologise for my previous post - the "crit" I posted here earlier didn't give the piece the constructive criticism it deserved. In retrospect, it was quite offensive - very sorry about that.

I haven't had the occasion to read any of your other pieces so far, so i'll just comment about this one.

I thought it was effective as a poem especially in its brevity. You successfully manage to condense your emotions into two rather ethereal stanza's, which imo is a good thing - since it makes the poem much more incisive.

I also noticed that you didn't mention any specific events - which allows the readers to understand the situation better, and at least from my own experience, helps the author a great deal.

Quote by carmel_l
Calm down, breathe -
there?s much to see beyond the veil;
impaled by images that grieve
the loss of grip on vague realities
and the fatalities of our lonely
love affair.


The flow throughout the stanza is good. Perhaps the only thing that struck me as being slightly out of place was the "calm down". I thought it was a little agressive and lacked the tone present in the rest of the piece.

Good imagery throughout.


Breathe, breathe in ?
take the sadness deep inside;
control your mind?s desire to indulge in sin,
to reenact the history of what we were
and drink the blurred despair that was our lonely
love affair.


The double use of the word breathe worked wonders for this stanza. Again, good use of imagery, 3rd - 5th verses were great.

As Scouser mentioned, the word "reenact" was a little bit of a mouthful - but its nothing too serious.

All in all its an effective, strong and compact piece.
#6
I would have crit this, but since both Ro and Pen have done a damn fine job. I'd just be reiterating whats been said. I'll leave just by saying that I thought it was an honest and profound piece of work that not only stays coherant, but for its length, had great impact too.

Sorry thats all I got.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.