#1
Hey, this is my first composition. It really is just a rough draft of what came out of my mind, please dont be too harsh =] Also, I have made basic chords for the piece and if possible disregard the lack of rhyming. Thanks

Clear skies and black eyes
Seem to be the standard for us
Lets try to grasp for the facts
So that this blanket of revelation
will spread out over us
But until then
the voices will never cease

We sing this
world-wide anthem
as loud as we can
seemingly to
block out this feeling of dread and remorse
We may dream of the same cloud
but not of the same storm coming after

We all feel this dream
coming to an end.
And we see the light
but not what's behind
We keep singing louder
and louder as we go.

Disorder is found as
As nobody's happy unless the world
follows their prescribed blueprints
Comfort or equality?
Comfort or happiness?
Such questions act to quiet
Because such answers defy nature

Singing this world-wide anthem
finally softer than ever before
We embrace the feeling
and open ourselves up
to the rain and the thunder
simply so we
can feel the sunlight
that will surely come
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Oct 26, 2006,
#2
If someone wouldn't mind critting, I'd crit back... and if not at least a "horrible" or something vague like that would be great.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Sep 20, 2006,
#3
Clear skies, and black eyes
Seem to be, te standard for us
We try to grasp, grasp for the facts
And this blanket of revelation
spreads out upon us
We realize that we all
see through a different
lens


I don't like the last sentence. I would try to look for another word then lens.
The rest is pretty good.

We sing this
world-wide anthem
as loud as we can
seemingly to
block out this feeling
of dread and remorse
We may dream of the same cloud
but we dont see
the same storm coming


I love this, it kicks ass.

after.
We all feel this dream
coming to an end.
And we see the light
but not what's behind
We keep singing louder
and louder as we go.


Good it builds up the song.

Now we all know
Our cloud will never produce the same storm
unless our ideas finally become
one with our dreams and
concede to each other
Take the right and avoid the left
and release ourselves from this
sound and its color


Good , i like the whole cloud, storm thing. Sounds good

Singing this world-wide anthem
finally softer than ever before
We embrace the feeling
and open ourselves up
to the rain and the thunder
simply so we
can feel the sunlight
that comes after


Great ending. Love it. I would give this song 8.5/10
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
#4
Thanks for the crit. I'll try to crit one of your songs some time in the next day =]

If anyone else could give a crit as well, it'd be appreciated. Crit for Crit.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Sep 23, 2006,
#5
i thought that it ws ok... the overall idea of the song was good and i thin kit was well written. i really liked the third stanza. overall i feel this deserves a 8/10. Well done for your first peice
#6
Holy Crap. That was about a month ago. Haha I wonder how I've progressed since then, thats when I first started writing.

Thanks for your comments man.

I quickly added a pretty horrible second verse. Overall this piece isn't that great anyway.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Oct 26, 2006,