#1
You?ve got a problem
Yet you show no pain
Take a second, slow down,
And use some refrain
People have left us
From doing much smarter stuff
Take a look at yourself
Maybe that?ll be enough

It seems I want something different
Than everyone else
My fun is much more consistent
And good for my health
If you see those kids drinking
Please take their keys
While I?m here sitting
Making kick ass melodies

You?re too young
To have that fun anyway
It might not get you now
But it?ll get you someday
Look at old photographs
Of what you used to be
On your way back
The journey will set you free

And use some refrain
People have left us
From doing much smarter stuff
Take a look at yourself
Maybe that?ll be enough

And you?ll be free
You?ll be free
You?ll be free
Free
Free indeed


It seems I want something different
Than everyone else
My fun is much more consistent
And good for my health
If you see those kids drinking
Please take their keys
While I?m here sitting
Making kick ass melodies
"The lightbrites now black and white cuz you took apart a picture that wasnt right"

#1 Member of Incubus fan Club, PM Tron8936 to join
#2
i really liked that, especially this part:

People have left us
From doing much smarter stuff
Take a look at yourself
Maybe that?ll be enough

and the 'kick ass melodies' parts. what i didn't like was the use of the word 'refrain', i felt that it didn't fit, and could've done with something else. can't think of anything else right now.. make a rhyme list.. pain, refrain,rain,gain etc and try get something else.

other then that, very nice.


please crit mine,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6859718#post6859718
#3
yea i would definitly agree with you on the refrain part, it was just kind of a spur of the moment poem/song. thanks for the crit
"The lightbrites now black and white cuz you took apart a picture that wasnt right"

#1 Member of Incubus fan Club, PM Tron8936 to join