#1
I felt the vines of wintry lurking into veins,
so i stared at the sun aspiring to
stop the barrage of frost.
I felt I had to tell her that, that,
the sky doesnt stop just because
you cant see it anymore. But all she did
was worked and worked and worked
So i can only hope that
by the time it reaches her,
I'll understand it myself .

I tried to jump from tramp to tramp,
softly sweetening the feelings of summer wondering,
If just because something's turned black
means it doesnt love you anymore. But all she did
was sacrificed and gave and gave
pawns and knights until she was only
left with herself and by then anyone will find
that all thats left is a draw. And without that shot
of whiskey or of gin, you'll find
that no one ever helps, without
showing a little intiative.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Sep 20, 2006,
#3
Amazing, no-one's posted here yet?

I quite liked the piece. Especially the second stanza, which was a little superior to the first one I reckon.

You managed to portray the melancholic mood well thanks to the use of very effective imagery.

I felt the vines of wintry lurking into veins,
so i stared at the sun aspiring to
stop the barrage of frost.
I felt I had to tell her that, that,
the sky doesnt stop just because
you cant see it anymore. But all she did
was worked and worked and worked
So i can only hope that
by the time it reaches her,
I'll understand it myself .


The stanza kicks off to a brilliant, almost flawless start. It gives a slow sense of unease which I liked.

The stanza itself is well written and compact, except for some specific moments where the flow is somewhat lost - "so" at the start of the first verse and the "worked" verse.


I tried to jump from tramp to tramp,
softly sweetening the feelings of summer wondering,
If just because something's turned black
means it doesnt love you anymore. But all she did
was sacrificed and gave and gave
pawns and knights until she was only
left with herself and by then anyone will find
that all thats left is a draw. And without that shot
of whiskey or of gin, you'll find
that no one ever helps, without
showing a little intiative.


Quite an improvement from the first stanza - you managed to keep up a very effective imagery without losing any of the flow or the melancholic atmosphere.

I especially liked your comparison of her sacrifice with a game of chess, and your use of the shot of alcohol.

Good work.
#4
i actually dislike the chess comparison... but... thats all i disliked the rest was very well written, great wording, as well as imagrey, and yah... bad crit i know, but thats all i can say...

i would really appreciate a crit on mine, its in my sig please.
#5
wow i liked this. I haven't read any of your stuff in a while. I really like this. the biggest fault i can find, i think it would sound better if you said of whiskey or gin not or of gin. just my thought though. also i wasn't to oclear on the that,that thing. I felt it was kind of unecessary. but it did kind of set the tone up for the doubling up of words later on in the piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
As always, I'll be as harsh as possible with you

Quote by TrigFunction
I felt the vines of wintry lurking into veins,
very nice poise in the first line, very poetic... However, i would almost argue that its a little too poetic, in a bad way, but I dunno, overall, very good intro line.
so i stared at the sun aspiring to
The 'so' messes up the flow and just seems very average and rather bland. IMHO it would be much more impactful if you just scrapped the 'so', used a contrasting synonym for 'aspiring' and made the audience think a little bit more instead of feeding them what you did. To quote Will (hendrixedge) "Subtlety my friend, subtlety"
stop the barrage of frost.
Good line. nothing to change, seriously, this is a great line, doesnt feel cliche at all.
I felt I had to tell her that, that,
The repetition of 'that' didnt work in harmony with the comma usage, it comes off as awkward and weak. Also, your language in this line almost makes me yawn. Like, you know how many great metaphores or sensations you could use instead of the bland wording of 'I felt'? probably thousands.
the sky doesnt stop just because
you cant see it anymore. But all she did
I liked that, it was nice and simple, yetstrangely impactful and real, you had a nice little thing of euphony here as well with the intertwining of good writing with relative emotion
was worked and worked and worked
I dont like this one bit, I would replace 'worked' with something more interesting, again, to make people think
So i can only hope that
by the time it reaches her,
I'll understand it myself .
meh. It was nice but thats all. Not witty really and it didnt really catch my attention... it was just nice

I tried to jump from tramp to tramp,
softly sweetening the feelings of summer wondering,
these two lines were better than anything in the first stanza
If just because something's turned black
means it doesnt love you anymore. But all she did
didnt really make sense here and even if it did I wouldnt care because of the feigned poetic wit here
was sacrificed and gave and gave
again, word choice is marking it out to be your biggest weakness here.
pawns and knights until she was only
left with herself and by then anyone will find
that all thats left is a draw. And without that shot
of whiskey or of gin, you'll find
get rid of 'of' between or and gin
that no one ever helps, without
showing a little intiative.


Overall, it was nice, nothing great, nothing terrible, some careless things, this could definitely be improved. Just nice
#8
Haven't got to you in a long while, so this is an overdue crit. Even though synth's was gd, I hope i can add my bit.

Quote by TrigFunction


I felt the vines of wintry lurking into veins,
Contrary to Dylan, I dont like this opening line, "lurking in veins" is a terrible phrase imo, the lack of the modifier "my" means it sounds awkward already. I realise the pun you're going for, but as an opening line, doesn't enchant me.
so i stared at the sun aspiring to
I also agree aspiring isn't the best word.
stop the barrage of frost.
I felt I had to tell her that, that,
I see you're going for the repeat of "I felt" tbh, if it was more powerful i'd say yes, but since its not, then change "felt" to another word, it would be obvious that its a continuation.
the sky doesnt stop just because
you cant see it anymore. But all she did
was worked and worked and worked
Errm "all she did was worked" that doesn't make sense to me, ok it does, but it doesn't. meh.
So i can only hope that
by the time it reaches her,
I'll understand it myself .

I tried to jump from tramp to tramp,
softly sweetening the feelings of summer wondering,
If just because something's turned black
means it doesnt love you anymore. But all she did
This part feels grammatically awkward to me, theres two things I picked out, but cant really say, merely because you kind of get round them, one was not using "then" to follow the "if" but it would be long-winded to do so, and the second is the phrasing of "means it doesn't" but then to reword that would also be long-winded. so I dont know.
was sacrificed and gave and gave
pawns and knights until she was only
left with herself and by then anyone will find
that all thats left is a draw. And without that shot
of whiskey or of gin, you'll find
that no one ever helps, without
showing a little intiative.

Perhaps you've too many "ands" in this part, just they seem to be everwhere, although on the plus side the content perks up here, and it actually becomes less vague ramblings, and coherant phrases, but then everything else fails, the diction, the wordplay, everything. didn't like the "gave and gave" right tense but sounds awkward imo.



Overall this was ok, its clear you have the ideas, but i sense you've slightly lost your way recently, and you are writing to just produce pieces, rather than producing them to reflect your skills, and portrayals of ideas in original ways. Try taking a step back, look at your style then do the opposite. I'm not bragging or anything, but look at my last 5 pieces, i had a sonnet with strict meter/rhyme then a freeform piece, one prose, then a narrative piece, last one was a poem littered with techniques...what i mean is, you're in a rut, do something different and challenge yourself again.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
Write a sistena, then scrap the sistena, then write a vilanelle, then scrap that, then write a freeform poem on the ideas you found prevelent between the two. Trust me, it works
#10
Wtf is a sistena? I know the Vilanelle, but sistena...anyway i think the vilanelle is a bit too restricting for a trial in such ways.

And theres something you can do, write up a few differing forms of structure for the lyrics tips thread. I'm finishing my article about alternating your style. But it would be cool to have the examples too.

Sorry to spam the thread. :/
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.