#1
I wrote this poem a few years ago but never really showed it to anyone. Now i have also learned that Stone Sour have a song called Through The Glass but yeh...i made this first. Please let me know what you all think since it is my first poem. If you like this then maybe youll like my lyrics which i'll post up sometime. The structure is pretty crummy but ah well....


Through the Glass

There are only a few things
A few things certain of this world
The heart-ache of soul and body
Are just a few
Death is another, although it lingers
In the shadows of your past,
It is present in your future
And everyone else?s


You have no reason to be afraid!
You worry too much and the past
Becomes your future
If you worry about the future,
You will have no future
The past is uncertain,
Forcing the mind to think behind
What you already know


People who do not give a care are free
But can also accept the fact that they will
Soon leave this world, accepting that
To live in this world is a cruel fate
But to leave it is even crueller
They can be described as loafers,
Buskers, beggars, or hippies
The best word to describe them, is free


The other type of people are suits
Sitting in their seats of inscrutable
Power, they watch the rest of the damned world
Through their tight squinting eyes
They gaze down at the other people
Accepting the fact they will live forever
In one way or another
They are the keepers of evil


So, when you think about it,
Everyone in this world is better off
On their own!
Cares and beliefs fade into myths
And there you find yourself
At the end of the bottle
Believing what you want to believe
Seeing through the glass
Clear
#2
I gave it a read - you're got some potential as a lyric writer, but this specific piece seemed a little average - if you want your lyrics to stand out, finding your own style is important.
Don't worry too much about structure, poetry/lyrics are about compacting emotions rather than tailoring what you meant to say, and stretching it to fit the structure.

Learn how to bend the rules to your favour, and you'll express yourself better.

Having said that, there's quite a few cliche's and abstractions in the piece - so you'll have to try to get rid of them to sound less like everyone else, and more like yourself. Other than that there's also quite a few occasions of lack of flow.

Sorry I had to be so critical of your piece

Don't take my suggestions as "the thing to do" - they're just suggestions.

To take an example of what you could do, i'll comment on the title and first stanza.

Through the Glass


Not a bad title. Again, a bit cliche'd for the type of song it is, but its a title - easiest part to be changed, and gives the listener an idea of what to expect. So, for the type of song I think this one is gonna be, its fitting enough - but a tad too standard.

[personal opinion] I generally tend to go for very long, almost surreal titles, and often the titles end up being longer than the poem, or the poem itself - just a little something I took from Salvador Dali [/personal opinion]


There are only a few things
A few things certain of this world
The heart-ache of soul and body
Are just a few
Death is another, although it lingers
In the shadows of your past,
It is present in your future
And everyone else?s


The first 4 verses are ok, yet you suddenly lose any semblance of flow with the "death" verse.

I'd suggest:

There are few things certain of this world
Heart ache of body and soul
Are a few, and yet -
Death's another,
Though it lingers in shadows of your past.

Again, my suggestion makes the piece more abstract - choice of words are important to prevent it from becoming too abstract. Remember you want compaction.

Practically the rest of the stanza's can be given the same treatment.

Read through the stanza - and check the flow, and what you can understand from the lyrics by taking the point of view of a first time reader.

You can use punctuation to alter effects of some sentences.

My apologies for my long comment


If you'd like to crit my latest piece (don't worry, its short :p - Gender vs Sex

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=435813
#3
haha no problem mate thankyou for the critisism. i take all crit and learn from it and your comment (although took me 10 minutes to read) was very informational and worth reading so thankyou and i will take a look at yours shortly ^^