#1
Here is a song i just wrote last night. My band members say that some stuff i write is pretty good. I just wanna know what u guys think. Any suggestions on how to make it better would be great. Thx.

Oh, by the way, i haven't figured out what the chorus should be so i know it just looks like a jumbled mess of words. I haven't split it up yet.

Resurrection

My world crumbles to pieces
As I see the final sparks of light, of life
Fading into dark forever
I don?t understand my mistake
Did I do something to make you feel afraid?
I can?t explain the cause of your hatred toward my ways
But I will remain standing on my feet until the end of days
In this world and its behavior so absurd
One cannot simply feel at all secure
With thought of ?this is who I am?
Well, press on and give yourself just one last fighting chance
For those who?ve been put down
By those who think they?re right
For those who fear the world
And don?t put up the fight
This is for you, so let us all stand up
And we'll show the whole damn world
That we don?t really give a f***
Our native tongue is failure
Our native tongue is pain
If we unite, we will have something larger
Than the greatest of reigns
We will tell the world ?I am who I am?
We will bring peace between us
And fill the fissures in this cracked dry land, and
No one shall feel afraid


Oh, and it would help if u could suggest where to split it up. As in what the chorus should be etc...
Last edited by AtReyUfAn_247 at Sep 27, 2006,
#3
I would change this:

And tell the whole damn world
That we don?t really give a f***


Into this:

And we'll show the whole damn world
That we don't really give a F*ck!


I'd use this as chorus 'cause it's just a big f*ck you to this corporate world

This is for you, so let us all stand up
And we'll show the whole damn world
That we don't really give a F*ck!
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
#5
Not bad. Lyrics in general flow pretty well. I think you should change the lines "In this world and its behavior so absurd, One cannot simply feel at all secure" to something else. It doesn't seem to fit into the song quite as well as the other lines, imo. Otherwise, its pretty good. I don't see any lines that would work for a chorus, so you may have to make up one. Keep on writing!
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#6
thx 4 the crits. i just changed the title of the song (shown in original post). I think its better. Tell me what u think.
#7
I thought it flowed pretty well.. I like the suggestion that the Atreyu guy made, that would make a pretty good chorus... the new title fits in a little better with the message of the song I think... nothing really to pick apart, except for maybe that line the clapton guy pointed out... pretty good job on this one...