#1
this is my first song in awhile . crit 4 crit . hope u like it

Here we are, its such a familiar place
Here we go, let's give this thing a try
and i know, that you just might be
the medication that i need

take a step towards me and stay a little longer
i need this more than you would ever know
please dont let me down
because it happens everytime
it never fails, this breakdown

and here it goes, how didnt i know
everything begins to breakdown again

Here i am, left in this familiar place
here i go, i swear that i tried
and i know, that i shouldve seen it coming
this breakdown ends, another relationship

I know theres more to this than what you said
I hope these words linger in your head
I know theres more to this than what you said
I hope these words linger in your head
Last edited by pollins1989 at Sep 23, 2006,
#3
I like it, It sets a somber mood to which I can relate.

take a step towards me and stay a little longer
i need this more than you can even ponder


Songs don't have to rhyme and this line is trying to hard.

Other than that I think it's very good.
#4
yeah i wasnt sure about that line either . so i just changed it . i think its better now tho
#5
Quote by pollins1989
this is my first song in awhile . crit 4 crit . hope u like it

Here we are, its such a familiar place
Here we go, let's give this thing a try
and i know, that you just might be
the medication that i need

Alright, but not brillaint or wholey original opener. I'd like to see you go more into what this "thing" is that you're going to give a try here, and then you can go deeper into it later into the song.

take a step towards me and stay a little longer
i need this more than you would ever know
please dont let me down
because it happens everytime
it never fails, this breakdown

See, two stanzas in and the "thing" is still unknown, it really needs to be communicate to the reader in someway by now, so they can relate to this piece and now what it is about.

and here it goes, how didnt i know
everything begins to breakdown again

Here i am, left in this familiar place
here i go, i swear that i tried
and i know, that i shouldve seen it coming
this breakdown ends, another relationship

Unspectacular, to be honest. It could probably be put across in a far more inventive way. Try and tie the "should've seen it coming" with some sort of psychic metaphor maybe. Just to add some spice to the proceedings.

I know theres more to this than what you said
I hopes these words linger in your head
I know theres more to this than what you said
I hopes these words linger in your head

"I hopes" doesn't even make grammatical sense. A decent outro though once that's fixed.


So, unspectacular and mostly mediocre, but it can be improved by using more writing techniques to ramp up the excitement a bit more.

Jamie
#6
I don't know why, but the word "relationship" really annoys me. I don't think it's a decent word for use in a song, I can't think of another one though..

I can see what your trying to achieve. I like the last part;

I know theres more to this than what you said
I hopes these words linger in your head
I know theres more to this than what you said
I hopes these words linger in your head


But maybe you could spruce it up a bit. Maybe;
I know theres more to this than what you said
I think these words linger in your head
I know theres more to this than what you said
I hope these words linger in your head

I just changed one word, but it adds a little variation to it.
#7
Quote by pollins1989

Here i am, left in this familiar place
here i go, i swear that i tried
and i know, that i shouldve seen it coming
this breakdown ends, another relationship


The comma in that last line sort of makes it feel out of place and split. It might just be because I'm reading off of a page and not hearing it, but it seems like a really awkward place for a pause. Other than that, great job, I like it.