#1
this was a freewrite. its about how im feeling, wrapped in a weather thing. i love weather metaphors. theyre lovely. this only took about two minutes or something, so if you dont like it, thats cool. i dont know if i do yet.

they say that we're headed
for a new england autumn,
that the weather thats dipped of late
into deluges and downpours
will rise to an crescendo
of raging suns and cloudless days,
that the leaves will turn to golds,
and fall glittering so we shall tread
a red carpet gifted from the heavens,
and beauty will beget beauty
and the good times will keep on coming.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#3
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
this was a freewrite. its about how im feeling, wrapped in a weather thing. i love weather metaphors. theyre lovely. this only took about two minutes or something, so if you dont like it, thats cool. i dont know if i do yet.

they say that we're headed
for a new england autumn,
that the weather thats dipped of late
into deluges and downpours
will rise to an crescendo
of raging suns and cloudless days,
that the leaves will turn to golds,
and fall glittering so we shall tread
a red carpet gifted from the heavens,
and beauty will beget beauty
and the good times will keep on coming.


eek I dont know if its me, but theres some basic mistakes in here. Shouldn't it be "heading" and "a crescendo" Then theres some other points, the repeats of "that" and "and" in the beginning and end, really stand out in such a short piece. Also I think the images are pretty standard, by that i mean we all view the sun as "raging" and falling leaves resemble "glitter" it all just seems too standard. I mean for an OTS yeah its gd, but perhaps with some time, you could improve this. As for the content yeah weather metaphors are great, and this does carry a kinda of post-summer carefree feel to it, so praise there. Overall not bad for a OTS.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
well tbh I really like it.
and i think he does mean "headed" not "heading". perfectly good english (as one would only expect from an oxford undergrad reading english )
however i wasn't so keen on the "glittering"... seems kind of glossy and childish for such a piece.

overall (and sorry for the crappy crit) i liked the tone of this piece. it makes me feel happy about stuff, and the imagery is beautiful.

matt, see you thursday?!
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
Quote by The Hurt Within
eek I dont know if its me, but theres some basic mistakes in here. Shouldn't it be "heading" and "a crescendo" Then theres some other points, the repeats of "that" and "and" in the beginning and end, really stand out in such a short piece. Also I think the images are pretty standard, by that i mean we all view the sun as "raging" and falling leaves resemble "glitter" it all just seems too standard. I mean for an OTS yeah its gd, but perhaps with some time, you could improve this. As for the content yeah weather metaphors are great, and this does carry a kinda of post-summer carefree feel to it, so praise there. Overall not bad for a OTS.

peACE


i think 'we're headed' is acceptable, it gives a sense of not being in control of where we're going since its passive rather than active... more than anything though, i just liked the sound. and yeah, it should be 'a crescendo'... it was late, my brain switched off a little...

and yeah, i agree that the images ive used are pretty standard... im gonna call in my 'ots' defence here... i just wanted to write something kinda in the moment.

oh, and the repetitions of 'that' and 'and' were intentional... i wanted to get a rolling feel, of thing moving on from cause to effect...

anyway, im very much obliged to you guys for the opinions...

oh, alice, yes, i will be there on thursday... have you decided to come after all? its gonna be really really good. i can tell. oh, and the oxford thing; not for another week and two days sadly .
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#6
i'm trying to sell my tickets tbh, having no luck with ebay so it might resort to sticking posters up at college. if i still can't sell 'em i'm coming to manchester and trying my hand to sell em outside the gig. so you might see me! (i'll be the crazy girl standing in the street shouting for someone to buy these godamn tickets)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
I don't like it. There's nothing I can latch onto, no emotion to the words and no theme I can feel.

That is all.