#1
This song's just something I wrote improv and then edited a bit. Enjoy. See if you can figure out what it's about. I want to know what it invokes in your mind.

Here's a hint; every artist nowadays writes about it, and no I don't mean politics. I hate politics.

I will crit for crit, but only if you actually offer some opinion and critique, not "Good song... crit mine now lol"

Fingers caress
Tease the ends of feeling
Eyes close dimly
Reach into the hole and pull it all out
Don't try to accept because you think you should
But you know me or you think you could
See through the yellow-stained glass
Your love is just too crass

I didn't think things would flow this way

Cry for the passion lost through the idle gained
They can't see though, their ability is feigned
Charge your energy when it needs to peak
Let your hands, let them guide and seek

Doesn't anyone else see what I already knew?

Fingertips grace the edge of apathy
But it's worse than that
Black tar already seeps into our minds
Making us slow with derision
Makes a fake measure of decision
Did you see it coming or did you just laugh, hoping it would go away?

I'm still laughing.
#2
It's about sex that wasn't that hard well anyways great song I don't know any ways you can improve it it's good enough as it is. you can crit mine if you want ''It's obvious''
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#3
I liked this song alot, and yes i think its about sex but i dont agree that every artist sings about it now.

I think its a good piece of writing it flows and it all comes off the tip of my tounge as i read/sing it. You used good detail which is good, it puts a picture in my head. You made me think as to what the song was about. And i loved the rhyming in here it was great.

Dont change anything in this song, its fine just the way it is. 9/10

could you crit mine, below.
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#4
Was a pretty good read,more than just sex,more like unwanted sex and its effects on someone. I like this song alot more than your other one that i crit'd, "Takes Me" Needs a new title though i think, something a little darker....."Derailed" comes to mind....nice work and thanks for the crit on "Sometimes" remember that one lol
Last edited by LaLaLaLoopy at Sep 21, 2006,
#5
is it about sex, you never said... well, yeah i thought it was too... anyways heres my crit: Honestly, i dont like songs that talk about sex (if it is that), specially if it is so disguised... you know what i mean? but anyways nice wording, i really liked it, loved the "cry for the passion..." line and the stanza following it too. The problem had was that the first and second verses seemed to be too different in the format... like they dont seem like part of the same song, not the words, the formatting itself. And also the one liners are kinda tough, cause if you do a one liner it has to be really good individual lines... and i think these were decent but not good enough to stand by themselves, but i guess you used them as a way to connect the stanzas... thats all my crit, ah nice rhymes internally too...

crit mine now plz? latest in sig...
#6
Haha, actually it's not about sex, it's about how people lose their passions and just give up and let life take them where it will. Although, after re-reading it I can definitely see where you got that impression. It was pretty much put together on the spot.