#1
Break down the door knife in my hands
Killing force that took me to the edge
The border between right and wrong
Killing fury what the hell is wrong

Chorus

Get out my way you cant stop me
you asked for death
i guess you will get what you wanted
kill the truth
**** this world
it means nothing to me

Call me dangerous
you are so wrong
whats dangerous about the truth
Well why the **** do you belive they dont know who we are
if you will let let me die for you
ill tell you its not your fault

Chours

Get out my way you cant stop me
you asked for death
kill the truth
sliting the throat of society
**** this world
it means nothing to me


Bridge

unpredicted
self inflicted
force to kill
and hearts to break
one funeral is not enough and will you join me in death
Zach
Last edited by forgettoremembe at Sep 24, 2006,
#2
It's too morbid for me to like it, sorry. Theres enough "death" songs in the world for me, and enough troubles. When I listen to music I generally don't do it to sink me further into sadness. With that said ..


Break down the door knife in my hands
Killing force that took me to the edge
The border between right and wrong
Killing fury what the hell is wrong
It flows, it rhymes, and it's disturbing. I think it accomplishes what you wanted.

Chorus

Get out my way you cant stop me
you asked for death
i guess you will get what you wanted
sliting the throat of society
**** this world
it means nothing to me
I don't like the chorus much. The last two lines work well together, but the four don't do so well. Also, the transition from 4th line to 5th doesn't go well. A little rough. I think you can make it more dark, more hateful, and more effective if you work on it more.

Call me dangerous
you are so wrong
whats dangerous about the truth
i will ask you one more time
why wont you cut your wrist as i
hold me tight dont let go
The why won't you cut your wrists line (ugh) doesn't sound very good. Also, the line "I will ask~" is hard to understand. Is it going with the line before, or the one after? And the way I'm "interpreting" the song the last line is sort of odd, but I may be reading it wrong. I don't do the whole death, cutting, murder thing very well.

Chours

Get out my way you cant stop me
you asked for death
i guess you will get what you wanted
sliting the throat of society
**** this world
it means nothing to me


Bridge

unpredicted
self inflicted
force to kill
and hearts to break
one funeral is not enough and will you join me in death
Disturbing, but I guess it's what you're going for .. so it works.


I hope I didn't come off as rude or whatever. It's hard to critique a genre that you don't care for (or understand why its around, even). However, I think everyone's input is useful when writing a song, which is why I gave you my critique. Take it for what you will.
#4
I looked at your icon before i read it, so It had kind of a manson vibe to me. (Espcially the Chorus). Not my taste really... and im not sure, but are you telling us to kill you?
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#5
No no no my friend, you have it all wrong. its an easy mistake many beginers make but i can hopefully help you to overcome this, or at least improve.


I mean the first verse is utterly adverce. I can tell your playing with your emotions but struggle to publicize your utterance. Try taking this initial doggeral and altering the words so their not so straight forward and boring, which will aslo result in a great deal more people relating to the song, or in this case inauspicious noise.

Once you have mastered the art of this primary verse, return for your second tutorial where i will persist on an indepth analytical critique of this hazed attempt.

Its been a pleasure

regards
spanky xxx