#1
Laura's nephew
had and has
the bluest
eyes i've ever seen.
He's nearly three a-
nd wouldn't take
his binky out
'f his mouth
long enough
to say "hell-
o" to me
i don't blame him.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Sep 21, 2006,
#2
Thought provoking, maybe it's the conversation I just had, or the time.

I like it though.

It hits less of the heart, more of the mind, this one, than your others.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Short and punchy. Good imagery but not suited for a song :P

Interestingly enough it seems very childish and charming (obviously), but it turned sour on the last line, which was just chock full of low self conscious-ey goodness.
#5
Quote by less than that
Laura's nephew
had and has
the bluest
eyes I've ever seen.
He's nearly three a-
nd wouldn't take
his binky out
'f his mouth
long enough
to say "hell-
o" to me
I don't blame him.


Interesting...

I took the liberty of reading some of your other pieces on your DA page - my style is somewhat similar to yours (except that mine are somewhat shorter ).

Correct me if i'm wrong, you're using everyday situations to explain your thoughts/feelings to the reader.

To tell you the truth, your comment about Laura's nephew made me laugh - the simplicity and in-your-face abruptness of the poem hides quite a concentration of meaning - good work.
Last edited by Pennyroyal Tea at Sep 21, 2006,
#6
thanks guys

thank you good sir. I remember you from a while ago. good to see you back.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
I like it. It's definitely not like anything I'v read before, but hey, it's still pretty good. don't change a thing
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
Great piece. Short and sweet, seemingly a simple life experience with some tone of feeling behind it. Great job and idea.