#1
This is my first posty on here, just wanna know what you think of this little song i wrote. It's about trying to get over a relationship where the other won't let go.
It's quite progressive, the first verses are just a sort of easy pattern, then the song gets louder and louder until i'm just screaming my heart out in the chorus, and at the end it slows down again,

intro - starts with a really dreamy riff

won't you take me home i'm tired now
just want to sleep but you won't let me
what's your problem go away
take me home just forget me

hello, I see you're awake again
shut up, coz I'm not
I don't know what this is
who are you to tell me what i'm doin out here

bridge - the song starts to pick up pace so there are full chords

whipping sand across
my face
burning arms from the
scorching sun
i know where i am
do you?
do you

chorus - here it really picks up

Lost in the middle
of this... this desert
and I'm drowning x2

2nd part of chorus - more intense then above

Coz I'm lost in the middle
of this desert
and you know
I'm in too deep
Yeah, I'm lost in the middle
of this burning desert
and I'm drowning.. for you

and here the dreamy pattern starts again

take me back to where i came from
I don't want to know your reasons
you think you're leading me
but I know the path and you don't

sometimes its oh so funny
coz you're think you're so smart
you think your smooth you've got the groove
but tell me one thing you're not

chorus

and as i rest my body
on an imaginary hillside
I turn my head to find you
and you're so sad because we're dying

for the next verse I'm undecided whether i should have it, I'll leave it for now - tell me what you think

but now you listen to me
I knew it from the start
it's really true what they say
how good things never last

chorus

and now the icy cold
so brittle and silent
creeps over you and me
and then, we're history

you should figure out how it goes.
#2
please tell me what you think coz i know you're reading this

i don't care if you think it's sh.it

just tell me why
#3
I guess that the song might get pretty nice with that shouting/crying and that dreamy melodies, although I really detest such emo-lyrics, because there are way too many of them around -> they get/are really cliché (I'm pretty sure that I've heared stuff like "I'm drowning for you" or "it's really true what they say" a billion of times).

I'll like it if you abstract the lyrics a bit more, or just replace the 1st person with a 3rd person. We just need something that we haven't heared a dozen of times before.
^ seconded.

Äh, Sie wollen also mit Schlitz.
#4
The song may be a bit cliche, but the whole " drowning in the desert" thing is really cool and sets the song apart from others. The descriptions are awesome and totally set a vivid image in your head, making the song oh so better. The last verse is the best, a perfect ending for the song, leave it just the way it is. I'd definitely give it an A.

Oh yeah, thanks for reviewing my lyrics. Your comments were much appreciated.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
hey guys thanks for comments,

i know it's far from perfect and cliched but i just haven't figured out what to do with some of the lines. another thing - this song was never went to be emo. i really don't like emo. anyways if thats how you read it so be it,.

thanks for comments all the same