#1
I owe crits, all comin' tongiht.

Slight deviation from the simple style I've just hit, cause this is an old piece, like a year or so, it was in my language experimental phase. But I realised I never posted it, so I wanted to. Just one thing to mention, in L8 the double "sequence" is intentional and one is pronounces as sea-qwence, the other seeq-wence. :/ lol nvm.


THE LINEAR ROUTE TO AND THROUGH BACH'S HEART

"Put it there my boy you carry that hand with unparalleled sustain."

"Dost thou wish to conduct a kiss upon my palette palm?


YES!

Lest we slumber to your dole set tones,
we'll tremble to you with horripilate apt;
quiver, quiver with tired trepidation,
captured in the rapture of captivation.
Sequence this sequence, penance for these keys
for they are part of the overhaul in sound,
befitting this beautiful ballroom of feet squandered space,
refitting concepts with conceptions,
masquerading this conduit as a means of reaching us;
with withered limbs and tired trepidation.
Should we bequeath this gestated thought,
or hold my hand as a gesture as im taught.
And plan my planar path if you somehow give a damn.
Thats right, take this upon your broken back,
a failure shared is a failure halved, whatever you may say.
Thats right, this opus is dedicated to your shattered spine,
a failure served is a failure for us all, so how do you plead?

Honour, obey, honour obey, honour obey.

Now give him a hand ladies and gentlemen, thats right,
its the end, theres nothing left, but a curtain falling.

There will be no encore tonight, we're all left for more than dead.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
I love the structure you've "inflicted" upon this piece. It is perfect for its purpose.
The language you use, while not very plain, is very consistent and beautifully devised to serve the meaning as well.

I thought that you gave the first half a very ethereal feeling and later on in the piece turned to the rugged raw emotion side of things.
I thought you went a tad too far with "if you somehow give a damn": it was quite well put in term of the feeling it contrives, but language-wise I thought it was a bit unfitting.
Other than that part I thought you did very well with the wording and flow. This was a joy to read.

The ending was very well built and although it makes the last line somewhat expected, I still felt as if it could not have been written any other way.

Though you say it lacks simplicity, I find this piece as simple as it can be when promoting certain emotions and I can actually say I felt each and every line.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#5
Quote by The Hurt Within


THE LINEAR ROUTE TO AND THROUGH BACH'S HEART

"Put it there my boy you carry that hand with unparalleled sustain."
Sustain is awkward. Rest is excellent, it reminds me vaguely of something I just based a piece around, except this is better

"Dost thou wish to conduct a kiss upon my palette palm?


YES!
teehee. very satifyingly original, somewhat breaking the cliche bonds of form, if you see what I mean

Lest we slumber to your dole set tones,
we'll tremble to you with horripilate apt;
quiver, quiver with tired trepidation,
captured in the rapture of captivation.
Sequence this sequence, penance for these keys
for they are part of the overhaul in sound,
befitting this beautiful ballroom of feet squandered space,
refitting concepts with conceptions,
masquerading this conduit as a means of reaching us;
with withered limbs and tired trepidation.
Should we bequeath this gestated thought,
or hold my hand as a gesture as im taught.
And plan my planar path if you somehow give a damn.
Thats right, take this upon your broken back,
a failure shared is a failure halved, whatever you may say.
Thats right, this opus is dedicated to your shattered spine,
a failure served is a failure for us all, so how do you plead?
nice use of meter to create an almost monotone sound and look. the rhyming I feel could have been greater but meh, its your call. Your use of continual sensation via touch is a nice reoccuring thing as well

Honour, obey, honour obey, honour obey.
this goes directly into the monotome, nice work

Now give him a hand ladies and gentlemen, thats right,
its the end, theres nothing left, but a curtain falling.

There will be no encore tonight, we're all left for more than dead.
Of course, this probably isnt about Bach as much as a metaphore for art or artists, possibly fame? honestly I dunno what the overall message is, which is weird for me, because I ussually have a hunch. I think it may be be3cause of the myriad of possibilities you present, which helps your atmosphere. Like always, excellent form mixed with excellent writing to prove a point (that I cant name), excellent job.


much <3 Steve
#6
Basically its about devotion, and how many shy away from any such impure thoughts, and basically live a life of a cloistered nutshell. How many will offer a hand to help, but its refused or ignored to the point that everyone gives up.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.