#1
I?m not good at writing lyrics, but I had something in my head. Tell me if I should finish this. Crit 4 Crit I guess.

Color Blind.

Ignorance.
I want to know it now.
Unappreciated bliss
That I just can?t reach
All the others seem to know,
But they just don?t show,
That their hanging with the enemy.

Please. Give it to me again.
Bestow it now.
You can?t fathom it.
Why?d you take it away.
I could of stayed.
Stayed.
Stayed with my ignorance.

I was Color Blind.
But I could see.
Everything was beautiful,
Just to me.
Still I was Color Blind.
Give that back to me.
Everything was just the way things should of stayed,
Until you said.
?Why are you hanging with the enemy??
#2
I felt that was pretty powerful. Some interesting verbs and adjectives. Some of those seemed slightly forced, like you put them there in hopes of spicing up the piece.
I'm specifically referring to bestow. It feels like it was put there to replace another verb. The rest of the poem, to me, seems to be in a more... "blue-collar" vernacular. Bestow just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me.

Either way, I really like it. I think it's quite nice, a good commentary on society. You do have some writing skills, and I look forward to your next one.

Please check out mine: Life
#3
Quote by Kidzelda
I felt that was pretty powerful. Some interesting verbs and adjectives. Some of those seemed slightly forced, like you put them there in hopes of spicing up the piece.
I'm specifically referring to bestow. It feels like it was put there to replace another verb. The rest of the poem, to me, seems to be in a more... "blue-collar" vernacular. Bestow just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me.

Either way, I really like it. I think it's quite nice, a good commentary on society. You do have some writing skills, and I look forward to your next one.

Please check out mine: Life


Hmmm. Yeah I see what you mean about bestow. What might seem a bit more in place? I'm thinking of just changing the whole line to "Give it now"
#4
My chemistry teacher was colour blind. He saw brown as green and vice versa.

I always wondered what a green poo looked like.
#5
a good piece, part not doing it 4 me is "i could have stayed,stayed,stayed with my ignorance" cuz I dont see it as your ignorance. More like "you should have kept your ignorance" or sumthing like that to me would fit in better,but great job...makes you wonder.
#6
Quote by thepickups
My chemistry teacher was colour blind. He saw brown as green and vice versa.

I always wondered what a green poo looked like.



Close your eyes and bow your head
I need a little sympathy
Cause fear is strong and love's for everyone
Who isn't me


LAUFER
#7
sori if a dont quite get the point here, a was just wondering,
y does it say at the end of the first verse that "they" are hanging with the enemy, but at the end it is you hu is ahngin with the enemy?
#8
LaLa: Thanks! I get what you say about the whole stayed thing. I'll have to change that.

A7x: It's like an After and then before thing. Read the last part then the first and you might get it.