#1
Gritting brittle teeth and gripping the sides
Of some sodden, shitty bar, I grab her arm
And ask this girl who has a full glass whether
I could buy her a drink. You see, in this animalistic
Mating game, amidst the mass of grinding bodies
Gyrating to a deafening drone, you are dancing
With some beauty, some glamour-rag queen
Dancing as though you are furiously shagging,
Caressing, sliding; love?s spectrum complete.

And that is what it is, and how it works, a shit-
Faced microcosm for all to see. Egged on by beery,
Flat-headed crowds, you dance, dance, dance, like you
Mean it, like you love her, like you?re fucking her
Quivering, pimpled body, and she?s not at all repulsed
By the sagging, squat physique that you hide
So bloody well. And squat as you may indeed be,
She?ll never know or care or remember,
But she?ll awake in the morning whilst you sleep,

Emptied, now sober, leaving without a word. And
You, as well as I, know, that without this dancing
We?re ashamed, unnecessary. For without those
Five minute windows of passion on a heaving
Dance-floor, we?d be wanking at half-three in
The morning, straining to capture her caress, making
Believe, that she?s there, that it isn?t your finger that?s
Up your own arse. But it?s irrelevant, friend, we?ve
Both been there, and I am tonight, I?ll see you there.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#3
You know, you've got great imagery in this song; I enjoyed it more than most other songs on this website. It wasn't overused, it was very condescending in a way and narrative. You couldn't sing it that easily. I admired the third and fourth lines of the first verse; image of desperation, which was the theme of the whole thing. Pretty evocative writing, you've got talent. Good alliteration on the first verse too, and it seems unintentional which makes it natural.

Second verse took a turn for the worst, in a good way. It is very self conscious, it makes you think of some time you got lucky with a girl who seemed so very out of your league.

Third verse was final and really brought the dirty, self-hedonistic imagery to full bear. A little disgusting and wretched but that is what made this poem good.
#5
.....think I need a cigarette......lol.........that was awesome,pretty much every line leaves an image in your head...I may be scarred 4 life....very strong visually and also eazy to read
nice piece.
#6
I love how you describe everything in a perspective not found in most common songs. The condecending, pessismistic tone makes me think of someone who actually knows the world for what it is and has accepted it and all the flaws of our society. I loved especially "in this animalistic mating game", its' just a prime example of the kick ass metaphors you use. Don't change a thing, it is easily the best lyrics I've read on this site. Do you have any other work on here, I'd die to read more.

Feel free to review mine, compared to yours it totally sucks, but I'll let you tell me that. It's called Masquerade, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
Incredible, by far the best I've read in the short time I've been here, if thats saying anything.

Thanks for the post, and since its not a crit I don't expect one in return. Was a pleasure reading it.
#8
this one is going to be short, because really, this is pretty good. I'd leave out all the curse words, to me that just means that your lacking the imagination to come up with a better way to express what your wanting to say. some parts are a little too over the top for me, and really drag down how good this could really be. pretty much everything after wanking in the last verse kinda killed it for me. I mean, it was a "solution" to the peice, but it's kind of like you went from adult type situation to a really childish tone, (which could work actually since in the end, sex is pretty dumbed down with no real emotional attachements most of the tme) but I just think the ending could have been better. And anytime the use of arse appears in a peice, I don't see how it can be taken seriously, if I suppose, that was your intention.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#9
Quote by broken_bottles
Gritting brittle teeth and gripping the sides
Of some sodden, shitty bar, I grab her arm
And ask this girl who has a full glass whether
I could buy her a drink. You see, in this animalistic
Mating game, amidst the mass of grinding bodies
Gyrating to a deafening drone, you are dancing
With some beauty, some glamour-rag queen
Dancing as though you are furiously shagging,
Caressing, sliding; love?s spectrum complete.

Nice opening, shows you don't need to shock all the time with expletives, but with good consanance (is it? I dunno these terms... ). Awesome first stanza, great consistent tone.

And that is what it is, and how it works, a shit-
Faced microcosm for all to see. Egged on by beery,
Flat-headed crowds, you dance, dance, dance, like you
Mean it, like you love her, like you?re fucking her
Quivering, pimpled body, and she?s not at all repulsed
By the sagging, squat physique that you hide
So bloody well. And squat as you may indeed be,
She?ll never know or care or remember,
But she?ll awake in the morning whilst you sleep,

Wooooooooo.

Perfect.


Emptied, now sober, leaving without a word. And
You, as well as I, know, that without this dancing
We?re ashamed, unnecessary. For without those
Five minute windows of passion on a heaving
Dance-floor, we?d be wanking at half-three in
The morning, straining to capture her caress, making
Believe, that she?s there, that it isn?t your finger that?s
Up your own arse. But it?s irrelevant, friend, we?ve
Both been there, and I am tonight, I?ll see you there.

Best thing you've ever written. Or that you've posted. One of the best I've read on here. It has everything that I love about your writing in it, all to the best you can. I loved every moment of it.


Jolly good show, Alex.

Jame
#11
like I said, this is in the top ten of what I have read on this website (closer to 5 than 10) and its a pleasure to be running against it/you in a 1 on 1. In fact, i would go as far to say that you are one of the most respectable writers on UG, and its more of an privelidge to go against you than a right.
#13
This is incredible......I read it four times before i posted this.......Incredible