#1
Whatever tryingto get back in the groove and i thought'd i try something from a different perspective.

crit for crit.

617


The men, victorious, marched down the hill
and we all climbed out of our houses turned bunkers
These men are much shorter than the stories I've heard
How could men so small, fight so strong and enemy?

The reign of opperssion is over
the men all celebrate for a moment
but I know that they know it's all short lived
Tomorrow it's up another hill, to another fight.

Morning creeps in and the men move on
The short stocky men, that fight for our freedom
Fighting for my freedom as well as their own
I didn't know this then, but these men have no home
Betrayed by their country, they fight for their country.
And one by one, they vanish into the black woods surrounding this town.

any tips on how i could be less terrible would be much appreciated. also any stabs at what it's about would work too
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#2
its not terrible there man, um... about? have no idea. but i love a lot of the lines you had in here. loved the idea of short men fighting every day, though betrayed they still fight... i would like to know what its about. one thing is i kinda noticed a change in voice from the first stanza to the last. it seems narrated differently, i dint know if thats porposly or not, but thats what i noticed... a few but nothing big, problems with flo, but thats it enjoyed it

critting back? link in sig please.
#4
well it's been up for less than 10 hours and I am alreayd on the second page. Thanks for the crits you two, I already repaid them
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
you actually repaid the second crit? man, you've gotten soft on me, the old further would never repay that kind of ****te crit

anyway, your now on my list of people whose pieces I will crit when i dont have 5 hours of homework per night along with such celebrities as Steve and Pennyroyal. Consider this blackdotted.
#6
haha yeah well i went into the piece only going to give a one liner but then i thought for a moment he left more than a line... so i left a few lines, i check bck and he barely left a hand full of words... but oh well
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
I'm not really into stuff like this, but this one is pretty good. The flow of the whole thing is great and makes it easy to read. I do appreciate the fact that this one doesn't rhyme. Most do and sometimes it ruins the entire thing, but this one is perfectly fine like that. If you're going for the effect I think you want, I would add more details and descriptions of like the actual fighting and sacrifices the men have to put up with, it may help with getting the point across. Oh well, if you don't like my suggestions you don't have to use them, I personally wouldn't blame you. Anyways, nice work, I'd give it a 8/10. Thumbs up!

Oh yeah, if you want to you can crit mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
i know its not as good as your old stuff... i just think its too straightforward.. or something.. i dunno what you can do to make it better though.. im kind of blocked so yeah but i did like the idea of the poem... sorry if this is not helping.. ive tried haha
Boo!
#9
Make me care here, for as of ow I really dont. I wanna feel and hear the scene, be almost trapped within it. I wanna be able to taste the gunpowder on their breath, kiss their falling brows. As of now i only see words, slowly smoldering in their own shit. make me care man, i really wanna care.
#10
I liked it.I dont really care for the beginning..."The men, victorious,marched down the hill" makes me feel like i missed the battle.Starting it off where their in the thick of it would work better for me.So 4 lines about the fight they just won to start off on then "The men,victorious" I think will work well....just my opinion other than that im liking it...nice work.
"STRONGEST MAN ALIVE" or "SOMETIMES" are my tunes if you want to crit 1.
page 3 last time i chk'd.
#11
Yes, I'm with synth here, I think this lacked anything to really connect with. My first thoughts were "it's nice", which isn't what I want to be thinking after a piece like this, is it?

To me, it seems like some more imagery would help, and I think you can stop referring to them as "men" and try and make it a bit more personal so that we can connect with one or some of the characters. I mean, it was all a bit "these men" "this town" etc. I even think you could make it better by instead of just saying "morning" in the last stanza, maybe just describe the morning, or let us know it's morning in a more subtle way.

So, those are my thoughts on the piece.

If you could, my latest is in my sig, many thanks.

Jamie
#12
I care a lot for this subject, it's a favourite of mine, but i really didn't connect with it. I think you might need to be more rash, actually describe some of what they've been through, maybe even include individuals stories. But whatever you do, you certainly need to build a report with the reader; that's where you fell short with this.

So, nothing really wrong with the writing, just the emotion.

If you have time can you look at my latest (sig) for me please?