#1
Please read and crit this, I'll be happy to crit anything in return... even if you slag mine off!

A Failure Such As I

I?ve failed again ?cause that?s what I do,
don?t pretend that you didn?t know.
I screw things up with a wink of my eye,
any damned place I go.

I met her in a rush one night,
it should never have led to this.
But sometimes I don?t know what to do,
it?s harder to bail out than kiss.

And I knew a girl, or did she know me,
it doesn?t matter anyhow.
Since she?s moving on to a different place,
I guess I should throw in the towel.

But it?s hard at times for me to care,
my life is hardly perpetual bliss.
But as I said once before,
it can be so much easier just to kiss.

I?m not trying to sound so down and out,
no, I really don?t have to try.
It?s easy to sound so down and out,
when you?re a failure such as I.

I break, and I shake, and I move things around,
for no reason other than this now.
Every time I screw things up,
someone else has to screw them back down.

Failure is pumping like blood through my brain,
and it chokes my mind and soul.
But I?m the only one that I?ve got to blame,
it?s no-one else?s fault at all.
#2
ummmm a we bit emo are we? but i must admit i do kinda like that title..... i guess i built it up kinda just by the title i was hoping for a bit more than just angst about some girl you didn't kiss......
#3
I thought it was o k, not sure if its a poem or song. Pretty well done for a poem but as a song the lines and rhyming are pretty much the same all the way through,needs to be broken up abit. The very first line "Ive failed again cuz thats what I do" is excellent,really grabs you. in all a pretty good job.....A crit on "Strongest Man Alive" or "Sometimes" would be cool,thanks.
#4
Pretty awesome. I love your use of metaphors. The last stanza totally kicks ass! "Failure pumping through my brain like blood, and it chokes my mind and soul." and " Every time I screw things up, someone else has to screw them back down." are my favorite lines, pure genius. I like your rhyming in it, flows easily. The repetition is awesome, and I love how you used it to keep the whole thing together. In short, it totally rocks.

If you feel like it, please review mine, it's called Masquerade. Thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
I?ve failed again ?cause that?s what I do,
don?t pretend that you didn?t know.
I screw things up with a wink of my eye,
any damned place I go.

--I DO IT TOO, BUT THE FIRST LINE, ALTHOUGH PRETTY GOOD, IT REALLY OVERDONE. DID GRAB MY ATTENTION THOUGH, SO AS FAR AS OPENERS GO, I SUPPOSE IT WORKED. L3 IS VERY SO-SO, AND SINCE THERE IS NO FORCE ON RHYME, ID REALLY USE IT TO BUILT ON THAT FIRST LINE, AS OPOSED TO KEEP IT SO LITERAL. CALL ME CRAZY, BUT SHOULD IT NOT BE "EVERY" AS OPOSED TO ANY?

I met her in a rush one night,
it should never have led to this.
But sometimes I don?t know what to do,
it?s harder to bail out than kiss.

--PRETTY GOOD. AS SOON AS I READ THIS, I KNEW KISS WAS COMING THOUGH. SO WATCHED THE FORCED RHYME, AND DON'T MAKE THE RHYMING HOT SPOTS SO BLAND.

And I knew a girl, or did she know me,
it doesn?t matter anyhow.
Since she?s moving on to a different place,
I guess I should throw in the towel.

--L1 IS PRETTY COOL, L2 DOESN'T REALLY HELP IT MUCH, AND IS REALLY A BUNCH OF FILLER, WHICH TELLS ME THAT IT'S WEAK, SO THAT WOULD BE ONE PART I'D WORK ON. L4 IS TERRIBLY FORCED, AND IT STICKS OUT BIG TIME.

But it?s hard at times for me to care,
my life is hardly perpetual bliss.
But as I said once before,
it can be so much easier just to kiss.

--BLISS/KISS, NO WAY. LOL. MY SUGGESTION, CHANGE THOSE, ONE KISS REFERENCE IS ENOUGH IN A PEICE, TRUST ME. BUT I LIKE L3/L4, NOT REALLY WHAT THEY SAY, BUT JUST THAT IT GIVES THE CHARACTER SOME CONFIDENCE, LIKE THIS IS WHAT I SAID, AND I'M SAYING IT AGAIN, WRITE IT DOWN! I LIKE IT, VERY INTRIGUING.

I?m not trying to sound so down and out,
no, I really don?t have to try.
It?s easy to sound so down and out,
when you?re a failure such as I.

--A LITTLE DOCTOR SUES, BUT GOOD MAN.

I break, and I shake, and I move things around,
for no reason other than this now.
Every time I screw things up,
someone else has to screw them back down.

--MUCH TOO LATE TO BREAK THE RHYME SCHEME AT THIS POINT. SO YOU EITHER HAVE TO MOVE THIS UP FARTHER AND FIT IT IN, OR CORRECT IT.

Failure is pumping like blood through my brain,
and it chokes my mind and soul.
But I?m the only one that I?ve got to blame,
it?s no-one else?s fault at all.

--NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS STANZA. FIRST REAL METAPHOR AND YOU'VE HIDDEN AT THE VERY END OF THE PEICE. NOT A GREAT ENDING, AS I DON'T GET MUCH RESOLUTION FROM IT. AGAIN, THE RHYME SCHEME IS BROKEN. YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE SOUNDS TO RHYME IF YOUR SINGING THIS, BUT IT'S FAR TOO WORDY FOR THAT. BASED ON EYE READING, THEY DON'T RHYME, WHICH MAKES IT STICK OUT.

Hope some of that helps, I could use some crits on mine, as well as a bump to the front page if you don't mind: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=436106
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#6
I?ve failed again ?cause that?s what I do,
don?t pretend that you didn?t know.
I screw things up with a wink of my eye,
any damned place I go.
great except for the last 2 lines .i just dont like those 2 at all

I met her in a rush one night,
it should never have led to this.
But sometimes I don?t know what to do,
it?s harder to bail out than kiss.
i like this verse . works well so nice job

And I knew a girl, or did she know me,
it doesn?t matter anyhow.
Since she?s moving on to a different place,
I guess I should throw in the towel.
i think u should go back and redo this whole verse . too forced, not that strong


But it?s hard at times for me to care,
my life is hardly perpetual bliss.
But as I said once before,
it can be so much easier just to kiss.
i like this verse . and i think the second reference to kiss works well here

I?m not trying to sound so down and out,
no, I really don?t have to try.
It?s easy to sound so down and out,
when you?re a failure such as I
not bad

I break, and I shake, and I move things around,
for no reason other than this now.
Every time I screw things up,
someone else has to screw them back down
change this verse up a bit and then itll be alright

Failure is pumping like blood through my brain,
and it chokes my mind and soul.
But I?m the only one that I?ve got to blame,
it?s no-one else?s fault at all.
nice i like it . overall im gonna have to say 8/10 . needs some work but pretty good . keep it up . and if u could crit my song "Climb these stairs then watch yourself fall" thanks bro
#7
Every time I screw things up,
someone else has to screw them back down.

Loved those two lines.

This piece was pretty clever and I must say a bit juvenile, but hey, who isn't?

And I knew a girl, or did she know me,
it doesn?t matter anyhow.
Since she?s moving on to a different place,
I guess I should throw in the towel.

That was a reallly weak rhyme and I suggest either changing the second line or the last line to fix it or don't rhyme at all. That one weak rhyme throws off the entire stanza though.

The ending line was weak as well, I suggest re-thinking/writing it to rhyme/flow/end better, it does none of those things well enough.

I?m not trying to sound so down and out,
no, I really don?t have to try.
It?s easy to sound so down and out,
when you?re a failure such as I

I like this stanza, it's got an almost lighthearted feel and it makes me laugh.

Overall I thought that it did sort of have a bouncy rythm with a "God I'm a douche-bag" tone.

Good job.

Please crit one of the ones in my sig, preferrably "It's a shame that lamps are so well ignored"
Thanks.
#8
Thanks for all the crits, I am overwhelmed by the responses, and I'm certainly going to look at improving particular lines. Again, thanks to everyone. I will get round to critting all yours, but it's gonna take some time!
#9
And I knew a girl, or did she know me,
it doesn?t matter anyhow.
Since she?s moving on to a different place,
I guess I should throw in the towel.


r the words anyhow and towel meant to rhyme because a think amybe you could find something a bit stronger than this?

Failure is pumping like blood through my brain,
and it chokes my mind and soul.
But I?m the only one that I?ve got to blame,
it?s no-one else?s fault at all.


these 4 lines are really good, maybe just take out the words at all at the end?
#10
I honesly didn't like that at all. Not my thing really. But good on you for writing lyrics and not being afraid to be crit-ed
Member#8 of the John Frusciante and Red Hot Chilli Peppers UG fanclub. PM IpodInaBottle to join