#1
hey, looking for crits on a new NBFH song , not quite finished its sorta a fast political punk tune :

At the station, prices are marked sky high
Our president barely knows how to spell
All he wants is to make the pie higher
Well, it's clear to me this country's shot to hell

There's fires burning in the middle-east
Back home, no one cares to tame the beast
Oh well, the oil guys get rich at least
You can watch it all live on your big TV

The NSA's tapping phones across the nation
Email too, to make sure that all is well
Giving us a mild sense of trepidation
Now's a good time to bid the US farewell

There's fires burning in the middle-east
Back home, no one cares to tame the beast
Oh well, the oil guys get rich at least
You can watch it all live on your big TV
Quote by scheck006
If UG had rep I'd give it to you.


Quote by zetaspartan2552
sounds like your mom suffers from mental retardation.


Gear:

Fender Precision Bass
Epiphone LP Special
Peavey Special 212 Guitar Amp
Cube-100 Bass Amp
Line 6 Floor Pod
Bongos
#2
First off, I like the message your trying to get across, which by the way, you got across perfectly. I also loved how you used "You can watch it all on your big TV" to show how we all know about these problems, but don't do a thing about , without flat out saying it. Pretty genius.
Now, the hard part. The one thing your song could use, more metaphors. It kinda comes out straightforward, which is an advantage in this song, but it's too straightforward, if you know what I mean. You should still have that 'in your face, saying it like it is' tone, but add some metaphorical language to keep it interesting and lyrical.
Don't worry though, it still kicks ass. I love it. You know it actually reminds of 'American Idiot', which, trust me, is a huge compliment.

If you feel like it, please review mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
thanks, i see you a green day fan i am to a huge one
also i know where you are coming from, i agree that a more metaphorical way might help. were going for a sorta political feel, and this gets the job done ill look it over though thanks
Quote by scheck006
If UG had rep I'd give it to you.


Quote by zetaspartan2552
sounds like your mom suffers from mental retardation.


Gear:

Fender Precision Bass
Epiphone LP Special
Peavey Special 212 Guitar Amp
Cube-100 Bass Amp
Line 6 Floor Pod
Bongos
#4
A good political statement,good thing your not a Dixie Chick,they'd nail you to the cross for this one...lol ya its pretty straight forward but punk songs are pretty short like this one so they kinda have to be...would like to see another 4/6 lines (a hook) right in the middle to break it up abit than maybe repeated at the end then followed by the" Theres fires burning in the middle east " part....a really good piece. if you can crit "Strongest Man Alive" thanks.
#5
At the station, prices are marked sky high
Our president barely knows how to spell
All he wants is to make the pie higher
Well, it's clear to me this country's shot to hell

--I'M NOT SURE THAT I LIKE THE ALITERATION IN L1 AND L3, NIT SURE IF IT WAS ON PURPOSE CAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY OTHER USE OF IT IN THE PEICE, BUT SKY HIGH AND PIE HIGHER JUST SOUND REALLY TERRIBLE TO ME. NOT REAL INTO PUNK MUSIC, BUT THE RHYMES ARE TERRIBLE FORCED HERE I'D SAY

There's fires burning in the middle-east
Back home, no one cares to tame the beast
Oh well, the oil guys get rich at least
You can watch it all live on your big TV

--MIGHT BE GRAMTICALLY CORRECT, BUT THERE'S FIRES SOUNDS TOO CLUMSY TO ME. AND BEING IN A FAST SONG COULD CAUSE THE WORDS TO BLUR. L2 IS PRETTY MUCH ALL CHEESE, AND IF I HAD TO CHOOSE, THE SINGLE WORST LINE IN THE PEICE. L4 IS THE BREAD AND BUTTER OF THE PEICE, AND A GREAT HOMAGE FOR THE TITLE.

The NSA's tapping phones across the nation
Email too, to make sure that all is well
Giving us a mild sense of trepidation
Now's a good time to bid the US farewell

--ALL IS GOOD TILL THE LAST LINE, IT'S NUMBER TWO ON THE WORST LINE OF THE PEICE RANKINGS. BUT THEN AGAIN, IT FITS, I JUST WISH THERE WAS A MORE POLISHED WAY TO SAY IT.

could really use some feed back on mine if you so incline: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=436106
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#6
bah, it was supposed to be "make them fly higher" not "make the pie higher" oops :P
Quote by scheck006
If UG had rep I'd give it to you.


Quote by zetaspartan2552
sounds like your mom suffers from mental retardation.


Gear:

Fender Precision Bass
Epiphone LP Special
Peavey Special 212 Guitar Amp
Cube-100 Bass Amp
Line 6 Floor Pod
Bongos