#1
He spoke ?
?Acquisition?
His humanity sounds like
Dry gravel.

Holy knows who goes
Home after the last match
Of I?m spoken.

Faster; faster than a plume of blue-gray smoke.

He choked ?
?extraordinary?;
his chivalry sounds like
failure.
#2
I really enhjoyed reading this piece. Well for one, it was short, so I didn't have to read a lot. Anyways, despite it's length, it was very imnpactful. I thought it was beautifully written. The flow seemed kind of off, buit that might just be me. BTW, are you gonna use this for a song? 'Cause that could be pretty cool. Anywas, great job and keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?

A Devil So Holy
#3
"his chivalry sounds like
failure"

I lvoed those lines. the rest of hte piece was alright i wasnt' a big fan of the style yo uwent with.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
i think its excellent, and the flow and structure reflect exactly what it means or is expressing through the words. perfect
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Quote by somewhat_here

i wish i was fat so i can buy xxl clothes during liquidation
#5
He spoke ?
?Acquisition?
His humanity sounds like
Dry gravel.
I must say, this is a pretty hard-hitting set. I suppose it's the blatent slap in the face I imagine from comparing this guy's "humanity" to "dry gravel." Great set of lines. Makes me think of annexing a territory that doesn't want to te be annexed.

Holy knows who goes
Home after the last match
Of I?m spoken.
I get the idea that we're talking about holy wars, if I tie in stanza one. I like the way you said "last match," to expound upon the fight idea. I don't know what you mean by "last match of I'm spoken," maybe it's something I just don't know; but it seem to be too far out to bring any correlation to my mind. Maybe try changing it to something else along the same lines that might have more of a relation that the reader can pick up on.

Faster; faster than a plume of blue-gray smoke.
If you happen to be referring to the smoke given off when you burn oil in your car, that, coupled with stanza 1's idea, makes me think of the war in Iraq. Very nice clue; this shows a sign of a talented writer.

He choked ?
?extraordinary?;
his chivalry sounds like
failure.
This one isn't as good as the first. I see the same structure and intention, but the words don't tie in the same way thematically. "Chivalry sounds like failure" is a good line, but it doesn't have anything to do with the first two lines. The first stanza was completely uniform; that really added the punch to the last line. This one is split, however, and seems to kill the emphatic effect.

Overall, if this was a comment on the war in Iraq, good job, the clues were very well placed in. I didn't understand the "I'm spoken" bit, and if clean up the last stanza to really stab that last line in to the reader, you'll have a real strong write :-).

If you wouldn't mind, please look over my song and let me know what you think.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=449786

- Peace
Last edited by KamikazeGuy at Oct 16, 2006,
#7
honestly, I love the style. Short and sweet. I write a lot of songs like that. However, you have to have music that either matches it or makes up for it. That took some practice. Good work keep it up.
#8
Thats one of those writing styles thats hard to pull off without sounding like an uneducated idiot. You did a good job, a good ol' kick to the brain in a few words. Good stuff.
Hey look, I fit in.