#1
so i wrote this as a 7 minute freewrite and I thought it would be fun to post it. It of course has meaning, its just confusing as **** because of the fact that it wasnt and will never be revised.


Slipping excrement waves.
Bloody Mary?s resting at scary motion pictures.
Classic breaths of flown off bandicoots and toothless
Incontrovertibly.
Sloshing and staring, waning and craning out of mouths
And mouth-less bowels.
The written word, the lion heart
The days of Istanbul sluts on teeth and
Marlboro breathe on bare tit.
The carnival is in town and th-
The symphony is in town
And as th-
The shit rebounds across the air,
The lady?s float above it
And stare within/out their little spectacles;
They glare within/out their little spectacles
A WW2 battle ground soundtrack
Spewing itself across the scene.

A rook sits in the corner, the rook is unmoved.

?Can I have the horsy mommy? the truths are too smooth
and they all slip,
slip and drip as excrement down a broken shield of dew breaking down the mold,
rebuild the natures of the world,
and skew the hold of reality anew across the pavement.

The pavement survives, buecaue,
The pavement is made of
Dead
Dying
Deadly
Dying
Things that are dead, non-
Things that are dying and trying to pry themselves off
A struggle of roadkill on roadfill being pushed to the brink of the marvelous street-lines

Black red.
Black read.
White spoken, said
Bright in their subtle gaze.

?Mommy can I have the horsy.?

The rook sits unmoved in the corned.
The world falls apart and the sewn
Makeshift seams sway precarious over fanatical beasts,
Trees and tits of the lore on the streets
On the warm Istanbul night
While shit clogs pores and whores are just,
Doors to the red
Black
Dying
Dead
Trying
Dead
Lying
Dead and dying lines
Of red
Black red
Black read
And burning red.


I wish i was a little gil i wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a tlittle girl I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girl i wish i was a little girl i wisha I was a little girl I wish I was a little girls I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girlI wish I was a little curl, a braid of slipping excrement.

I wish I was the darkest piece of shit whore that ever lived, then I know life couldn?t get any worse, and then I wouldn?t have a slit of hope to lean upon, and I would sleep. . . . . . Sleep is good. Excrement is good in sleep.

The rook takes the queen.

?Faggot.?
#2
*gawk*

Well, it is interesting to read, but I dread trying to decipher what's behind the excrement.

#3
Wow...been reading much contemporary poetry lately? A little Mari-Lou Rowley or something?

No seriously that was amazing, though I won't try to...think about it.

The last paragraph before the rook takes the queen really stood out and spoke to me so it was basically my favourite part.

I love you by the way.
#5
*Storms through the door like a horse in a stable*
*tackles to ground and tears the rest of the shirt off*
*leans in closely and whispers in ear "I only really liked the 4-7 stanzas the rest were like... i dunno... the kind of art pictures where some guy just throws paint on a canvas that is stretched across the wall. or the kind where it's all white with a few blakc dots, but it a;; still gets to be called art. anyways. it was decent."*
*quickly gets up and hurriedly runs out the door*
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
I'll crit this later (in return for a crit on mine which you owe me ), but for now, must dash chap!
#9
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
*gawk*

Well, it is interesting to read, but I dread trying to decipher what's behind the excrement.



Well it's probably a butthole. But that's just my guess.

Interesting but I don't see the point in posting if you don't want any crit on it and don't plan to revise it. At least explain it haha so that way we at least know what the thought progression was. Some cool Ideas though, some neat wordings. Sounds like something I would write on a spur-of-the-moment writing frenzy.
#12
Quote by Brokenkingdom
Interesting but I don't see the point in posting if you don't want any crit on it and don't plan to revise it.

Meh...I think sometimes one just wants to be heard.

Dylan I honestly dunno what to make of this, lol. If nothing else, I envy your wealth of imagination though.
Ro
#13
This was written in complete satire really, attempting to poke fun at a fellow writer in english class who seemingly always utilizes feigned poetic witicisms {like my dead, dying, dead, dying} as a staple in his poetry. Ya, so i was really just making fun of some guy, but if you wanna know what its about... well, its kinda about whim over chicks, basically promoting mastubation over the trials and tribulations of girlfriends and all their bitching... yep, sorry to offend anyone.
#15
Honestly, didnt care for it much...something you read than forget . I cant remember a single line.
#16
Quote by #1 synth
so i wrote this as a 7 minute freewrite and I thought it would be fun to post it. It of course has meaning, its just confusing as **** because of the fact that it wasnt and will never be revised.


Slipping excrement waves.
Bloody Mary?s resting at scary motion pictures.
Classic breaths of flown off bandicoots and toothless
Incontrovertibly.
Sloshing and staring, waning and craning out of mouths
And mouth-less bowels.
The written word, the lion heart
The days of Istanbul sluts on teeth and
Marlboro breathe on bare tit.
The carnival is in town and th-
The symphony is in town
And as th-
The shit rebounds across the air,
The lady?s float above it
And stare within/out their little spectacles;
They glare within/out their little spectacles
A WW2 battle ground soundtrack
Spewing itself across the scene.
Honest to god i love this style. There's just so many layers and so much interpretations to be had; the reader has to grasp their own meaning of it and work for the enjoyment, rather than have it all layed out on a plate. Wonderful stanza.
A rook sits in the corner, the rook is unmoved.
Is it really?
?Can I have the horsy mommy? the truths are too smooth
and they all slip,
slip and drip as excrement down a broken shield of dew breaking down the mold,
rebuild the natures of the world,
and skew the hold of reality anew across the pavement.
Much of the same and no complaints. However i would change the first "slip" to "sip" because then it links into the smooth and excrement; as if it's a drink, that would be cool
The pavement survives, buecaue,
The pavement is made of
Dead
Dying
Deadly
Dying
Things that are dead, non-
Things that are dying and trying to pry themselves off
A struggle of roadkill on roadfill being pushed to the brink of the marvelous street-lines
Wasn't so sure of this; too rash for me.
Black red.
Black read.
White spoken, said
Bright in their subtle gaze.
Witty, very good.
?Mommy can I have the horsy.?

The rook sits unmoved in the corned.
The world falls apart and the sewn
Makeshift seams sway precarious over fanatical beasts,
Trees and tits of the lore on the streets
On the warm Istanbul night
While shit clogs pores and whores are just,
Doors to the red
Black
Dying
Dead
Trying
Dead
Lying
Dead and dying lines
Of red
Black red
Black read
And burning red.
I really like this, it seems much more in place and meaningful than the dying bit last time, and i appreciate all the other parts that fitted in.

I wish i was a little gil i wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a tlittle girl I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girl i wish i was a little girl i wisha I was a little girl I wish I was a little girls I wish I was a little girl I wish I was a little girlI wish I was a little curl, a braid of slipping excrement.
See what you mean about confusing, but nevertheless... i sort of see waht you are doing with this whole thing.
I wish I was the darkest piece of shit whore that ever lived, then I know life couldn?t get any worse, and then I wouldn?t have a slit of hope to lean upon, and I would sleep. . . . . . Sleep is good. Excrement is good in sleep.
Things brings things together so much more, good.
The rook takes the queen.

?Faggot.?
Nice little ending


Like i say, i see what you mean about confusing but hey
#18
Ending reminds me of me and my friend's chess games.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
I'm laughing out loud because it was probably the most interesting read ever. My mind just disconnected from reality and by the time I was finished there was a puddle of drool on my keyboard and the joint = roach.

I loved the song. I would love to think about this tripping on some LSD, there's some unspoken truth. I love this song!
That's all I wanted to do as a kid. Play a guitar properly and jump around. But too many people got in the way. -Syd Barrett
#20
I've been relectuant to comment on this, purely because it's not really to my personal tastes, which I've kinda felt with your last few pieces. Not that it's bad writing, but it's drifting into even less accesible territory, and I'm all for simplicity, me.

Go write me a childrens nursery rhyme

Jamie
#25
I better leave a proper comment seen as you do on mine.

What I don't like about this piece is the lack of rhythm. By this, I don't mean a set rhyming scheme or anything. Just some flow to the words. A bit of loving for the syllables.

The thoughts seem scattered and ruthless. You aim at something but hit something else. And this doesn't help for the reader. There's little to hold to before the enxt image is brought up, which can work well with some people's styles, but not with yours on this piece.

I think one main problem you have is that you write in excess. You should shorten your pieces and focus on stacking and packing them with quality and not stretching them out into monotony. [the rhyming is tres cool]

Here is an example of a short [song] piece which holds a really, really simple narrative but folds it into a complex piece of neat writing.

The ideal girl
In London from France
Came over then left me
She left me entranced
Now I have to get by
Once again on my own
Nothing but memories

So I remember your eyes in that fine shade of brown
While these blue eyes of mine they stay closed
I kissed you goodbye on the M109
I choked as I watched the bus go

I'm choking and smoking to your angelic soul
I'm choking and smoking myself into a hole
Where the only way out is to sleep and to dream
And to cry out your name
#27
Libertines.

I saw dirty pretty things cover it too.

Never could figure if it was Carl's song or Pete's. Pete sings it on the self titled album as a hidden track, but Carl always covers it.
#28
this is an interesting read and it doesnt need revised.
i think u can add to a song but u can't take away what was first there, or change it, because then it is a different song.

wow im usually not this bad at typing.

well i liked reading the comoents from it as well.
everyone keep your shirt ON , keep your blushes down and lets turn up the radio before you decide to get very hot.


oh,

as well,
not to anyone here, but if u see anyone with one of those huge egos, say:

"you know, an ice cold ego goes well with a hangover"

which doesnt make any sense but it might make them shuttup.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

-Phyllis Diller
#30
it aint my fake account, I can tell you that. Search me and you'll see I'm clean. It is weird that someone would bump this though. O well, back to the shadows for me *shrugs*
#31
Quote by #1 synth
it aint my fake account, I can tell you that. Search me and you'll see I'm clean. It is weird that someone would bump this though. O well, back to the shadows for me *shrugs*


I wasn't accusing you of a fake account. I just mean that there's no way some n00b would come in here and bump this, of all pieces.

Whoever it is though:
#33
^

Shit it works.

Sherlocks Steve is prancing away to investigate.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Dec 26, 2006,