#1
i was listening to a perfect circle when i decided to get out my guitar and play. then i started writing down. and here it is. its just some stuff, nothing finished by far. constructive criticism please.

oh and by the way, i really like the line "A broken promise is just another lie"

"untitled"

Maybe now we'll learn to walk away,
Maybe now we'll regret the words we say,
I cant promise you that the worst is through,
A broken promise is just another lie

(Not sure about if this would be a chorus or not)

There's an angel on my shoulder,
begging me to stay,
In front of me the devil stands
Laughing in my face,
Maybe when we've all grown up,
We'll forget this love's embrace.

Take away the torment that you've left me,
and a leave me here to stay,
put a sign upon the door warning those away,
cause inside lies a broken soul,
confused and led astray,
take back the darkness that surrounds me,
because i'm due for a better day.

i still have to write somemore, but i think its a start, lemme know what you think. thanks
Officer Nole07 of the U.G.P.D


Quote by rockybo
Honestly, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. So some moron put evidence of me exposing her stupidity in her signature, why should I care?
Last edited by Nole07 at Sep 23, 2006,
#2
That's awesome! I like how the end is kinda left one a bittersweet note like that, "I'm due for a better day". If I were you I would make the first verse the chorus and repeat it throughout the rest of the song. I agree, " a broken promise is just another lie" is a great line, I love it. Nice work!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
anyone else?
Officer Nole07 of the U.G.P.D


Quote by rockybo
Honestly, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. So some moron put evidence of me exposing her stupidity in her signature, why should I care?
#4
Wow this is really good. I really like the words you used and all the emotion put into it. I really think it couldn't get much better then how you have already written it. I love it. 10/10. Check out mine, It's not as good but Id still appreciate some critisism.
Great job.
#5
cool, thanks, anyone else, i critted yours too dude.
Officer Nole07 of the U.G.P.D


Quote by rockybo
Honestly, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. So some moron put evidence of me exposing her stupidity in her signature, why should I care?