#1
my life has it's up and downs
but its been going south
nothing is coming around
so I'm hurting my health
I have no good luck
and I hate my ****ing life
it's starting to totally suck
so I cut myself with knifes

I make myself bleed
I do't know why
I can't find what I need
and I always cry
My whole body hurts
I'm not gonna lie
It is getting worse
I want to die

I hurt myself every night and day
sometimes physically
I don't have anything to say
Cause I'm hurt mentally
I just want to be dead
instead of hurting myself
I'm starting to hurt in the head
so I'll just ruin my health

I make myself bleed
I do't know why
I can't find what I need
and I always cry
My whole body hurts
I'm not gonna lie
It is getting worse
I want to die

I don't want to live
I just want to die
whatever stops the pain
cause I constantly cry

I make myself bleed
I do't know why
I can't find what I need
and I always cry
My whole body hurts
I'm not gonna lie
It is getting worse
I want to die
#2
Dude, It's too emo.

I mean yeah, its k to sing emo lyrics, but when you literally say ' I cut myself with knifes ' or' I make myself bleed ' It's too emo, emo enough to the point i want to vomit.

But its k.
#4
thats pure emotion, it would be better if you expressed pain through music or whatever than self mutilation....
#6
I know you have already heard this, but it's too emo. I mean, it's not bad, it just needs some work. For example, use more lyrical and metaphorical language to describe what's going on. I would not have it so straightforward, it kinda throws off the effect you'd wanna have. If you're going for a shock value, only drop bombs like " I hurt myself night and day" a few times in the song, the whole song shouldn't be made up of them. Another thing that would help, a bigger and complex vocab. Try not to use the same words over and over unless there is a certain point of repetition you are trying to get across.
Don't get me wrong, I like it. It has great promise, just work on it a little more. It should be awesome.

If you feel like it, please come bash mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
It sucks on multiple levels. As a poem it is utter crap. Meter is off. Rhyming scheme sucks and doesn't make sense at all. Word choice is pathetic and your sylabic count lends to an understanding that you do not know how to count.

As a song its worse. Cliche to be very, very modest. Flow is godaweful. Uninteresting word choice and all-in-all beyond bland. Way to blend in with the "I pity myself and am to incompetent to suck it up and get over it" crowd. As I've told many, many people in my life time "Life doesn't suck you just suck at living" and "You're past and surrounding do not make you who you are, you're resolve does".

I'm not going to tell you how to fix your life because honestly I don't care and you aren't worth my time, but if you feel so inclined get a dictionary and look up "resolve" then suck it up get over your self loathing and write a decent song or poem to express how you feel and stop wasting valuable existance.

Smile.