#1
'I have always noticed how
a beautiful woman hangs tight
to the arm of her companion
when an unattractive man
is checking her out.
While when a handsome specimen
walks by,
she will perk up to her full stature
and smile.
I find that the ways of the world are in debt
when beauty cannot understand ugliness.'
This is not a pipe
#2
i enjoyed reading that a few times. i dunno but the line checking her out doens't really fit in with the rest of the piece. to me at least.
#3
This is awesome. I love the way you phrased it, it's perfect. It really makes you wonder about society and mankind. Totally awesome, don't change it. 10/10.

If you feel like it, please crit mine. It's called Masquerade, thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
I can get ugliness to an extent. But the extent always ruins me. I always find a fault in beauty, which is usually found with the attching personality, or the lack of. Whereas, with ugliness; I usually find the the qualities of the person I like first, and then the face improves. I'm yet to decide what I'd prefare.

Saying that, I do find some ugly people with the most horrible attitudes and personalities. It's almost a grudge to a shammy god. Expected, surely.
#5
I have one word to describe this piece: Women!
No but seriously, quite true with women like that, i think you've captured the moment of it very well and it's something i think every member of S&L can relate to. But to be honest with you, as human beings we cant understand anything different anyway, so although this is very true it is very true with almost everything different.

Nevertheless, well written and most importantly for me at least; enjoyable.

I'd be greatful for a return (from the sig) if you would
#7
Bumplebees!

Okay, I know you were going for a colloquial feel with this; like a guy giving his two cents kind of thing. I think you did a good job with that. Initially I thought "checking her out" was kind of off-kilter but it does suit and it adds to that vibe.
In terms of content and theme this is of course close to home and easy to relate to. I think it's very universal in that way, too. It should speak to nearly everyone. Highly accessible and the way it's so simply stated can only add to that. (<--- So guy below me, take note and maybe think again).
And don't worry, it didn't come off too empirical at the end. It's a good closer; in terms of content it tops it off perfectly and it also reads very well.
I told you already there were one or two alternate words that I personally thought could tweak the flow slightly, but the ones you picked and stuck with really served the theme, the meaning, superbly. The personal/first person perspective was kept nicely in place throughout, too. It's strong, for that.
Just enough touches of rhyme to keep it trotting along pleasantly, too. Good writing, yet again from you. I really like it.
Ro.
Last edited by scousertommy at Sep 26, 2006,
#9
Short and sweet, easily relatable and pretty much as good as a piece like that is going to get. No complaints here.

I bet you can't leave a worse comment than this in the thread in my sig

Jamie
#10
'I have always noticed how
a beautiful woman hangs tight
to the arm of her companion
when an unattractive man
is checking her out.
While when a handsome specimen
walks by,
she will perk up to her full stature
and smile.
I find that the ways of the world are in debt
when beauty cannot understand ugliness.'

nice little poem only comment i had was the last word ugliness, to me it feels out of place.

Steph
Boo!
#11
Very nice little poem. Nothing to crit cept for the use of ugliness.....

crit mine plz. Top link in sig.
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