#1
how could i ever forget a face
that took my hand and led me away
to a city of diamonds i would call my own
and i never thought i'd have to walk alone...
the streets are covered in an icy mist
and i turn and quickly give the city a slip;
veer into the alley where you found me alseep
amidst the broken wishes and the autumn leaves.

i stand depleted and i call your name
but my words are carried away.
i return to the day-to-day,
the only other person with a heart and a face.
i think about you as i carve my name
into the only rock that they could never break.
they're barely living and i know they're lost
but i can't justify the storms they've caused.

vultures gather on the hardened streets,
it's no secret that they've come for me.
the others gather and pretend to watch
with the eyes they don't have and the hearts they've lost.
if there ever was a day to pray
to a God that's already forsaken me,
i would make that day today,
but i know what the greater one would say.
#2
the first verse is amazing . overall the whole song is awesome . nothin i really think u need to change . 9/10 really good bro . if u could crit my song "climb the stairs and then watch yourself fall" thanks bro
#3
Quote by stjoejake
how could i ever forget a face

Could do wiht a more interesting opening.

that took my hand and led me away
to a city of diamonds i would call my own

Diamonds, bah, cliche to the max.

and i never thought i'd have to walk alone...
the streets are covered in an icy mist

Icy mist could be improved, though nice imagery nonetheless.

and i turn and quickly give the city a slip;
veer into the alley where you found me alseep
amidst the broken wishes and the autumn leaves.

Alright, but not awesome, first stanza.

i stand depleted and i call your name
but my words are carried away.
i return to the day-to-day,
the only other person with a heart and a face.
i think about you as i carve my name
into the only rock that they could never break.
they're barely living and i know they're lost
but i can't justify the storms they've caused.

Problem with this stanza, especially early on, is flow, it doesn't really carry the piece forward atall. Solid writing, even if you have a few "nothing" lines.

vultures gather on the hardened streets,
it's no secret that they've come for me.
the others gather and pretend to watch
with the eyes they don't have and the hearts they've lost.
if there ever was a day to pray
to a God that's already forsaken me,
i would make that day today,
but i know what the greater one would say.

The last four lines go in circles too much, try to make the point clearer.

Overall, not awe-inspiring, but with revision it could be a decent piece.


My latest is in my sig, if you could critique back. Many thanks.

Jamie